


The Show - Season Three - THE FINAL SEASON

by GutterBall



Series: The Show [3]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Original work - Freeform, all the sarcasm, occasional cussing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-13
Updated: 2015-05-10
Packaged: 2018-03-17 17:41:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 38
Words: 42,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3538331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GutterBall/pseuds/GutterBall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Good God, they still aren't tired of this hokum. So, here's some more meta for anyone crazy enough to read it. This season boasts a quest and a zombie infestation, and that's just in the first quarter.</p><p>Still not changing all the "fiddly"s.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Episode 1

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show! Guys, we're Season Three!

You: Why are you so excited about that?

Me: Right? I mean, at this point, we could show up and just stare at each other for a few minutes and stay in business.

VO Kamren: ...Oh. Right.

You: Sorry, wombat.

Me: I guess saving the world from a probably-fiddly-made-up threat is a little less glamourous than you thought, huh?

VO Kamren: ...Shaddup. Talk about something.

You: Is it just me, or is the audience being awfully quiet?

Audience: *is awfully quiet*

Me: Now that you mention it....

You: *eyes them*

Me: *eyes them*

VO Kamren: *eyes them*

Audience: *is still awfully quiet*

VO Kamren: They... they ARE quiet.

Me: TOO quiet.

You: *thwaps Me* Really? You had to go there?

Me: Uh, it's me. So yeah.

You: *eyeroll* Anyway, audience... what gives? You still sad at me for not accepting the flowers?

Audience: *raises eyebrows*

Me: ...Call me crazy, but--

You: CRAZY.

Me: ...

VO Kamren: You asked for it. Like, literally.

Me: ...ANYWAY. Is it just me, or... do they kinda look... confused?

VO Kamren: Like they don't know what you're talking about?

Audience: Uh...?

You: *frowns* What's with you guys? You're kinda starting to freak me out.

Audience: You're... you're talking to us? We... they just told us to sit here and, like, applaud every now and then.

Me: *sits up straight* Who told you?

Audience: *shrug* The guys in business suits. They put us in a little room and flashed a light in our eyes a few times and told us to come back in here every day and sit and listen to you guys.

Me: *wide-eyed*

You: *pale*

VO Kamren: *looks sick*

Audience: ...Did we do it wrong?

Me: *elbows You* Does that sound like brainwashing and an erased memory to anyone else?

You: But why would the execs erase the audience's memory?

VO Kamren: And can they do it to us? WHAT IF THEY ALREADY HAVE?? Would we even know??

Me: Okay, okay, everybody just calm down. What did everyone have for supper last night?

You: *stands up, knocking over stool* HOW IS THAT RELEVANT??

Me: Calm down! Geez! I'm just seeing if everyone remembers yesterday.

VO Kamren: What if what I remember wasn't yesterday??

You: He has a point.

Me: True. He eats PB&J every day, so he could be remembering any ol' time. Hmmm. What about you?

You: I'm kinda having food issues at the moment. I had... ahem... refried beans.

Me: ...That's it?

You: MY STOMACH IS BEING PICKY.

Me: Okay, okay! Whatever. I had an awesomely amazing grilled cheese on sourdough with ham and mushrooms--

You: *stomach growls* Reeeeal nice, Mols.

Me: --and kale chips.

You: *stomach stops growling* Gross. Never mind.

Me: What? What's wrong with kale chips?

You: Besides the fact that they're kale?

Me: *eyeroll*

You: Baking them makes your whole house smell like a corpse.

Audience: *polite applause*

VO Kamren: That's just freaky.

Me: They do not! My house doesn't smell like a corpse!

You: You're right. It smells like a corpse in an opium den.

Me: It does not!

VO Kamren: Guys, aren't we kinda getting away from the point--

You: I bet it fiddly does. In fact, I bet your neighbor is calling the cops right now to report the dead-guy-in-an-opium-den smell.

Me: What??

VO Kamren: That's gonna be awkward.

You: Right??

Me: Why would it be awkward? All I have is movies and books and comics.

You: And a life-size cardboard cut-out of Rob.

Me: I do not!

VO Kamren: And it's apparently eating kale chips.

You: *cracks up* Oh, I can just see it now! The cops kick the door open, and there's Cardboard Rob standing there with kale chips in his hands and sticking out of his little cardboard mouth, and the cops go "Freeze, mister! Put your hands up!"

VO Kamren: *snickers*

Me: *fumes*

Audience: *claps politely*

Me: STOP THAT!

Audience: *stops politely*

You: And when Cardboard Rob doesn't move because he's cardboard--

VO Kamren: Ha!

You: --they fiddly open fire and shoot him down.

Me: The heck is wrong with you two today?? Good God, WERE we brainwashed??

VO Kamren: And then later, when Mols gets home?

You: *laughs harder* ROB! NOOOOO!! WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU, MY LOVE??

Me: *scowls and crosses arms*

You: And Cardboard Rob just lays there--

VO Kamren: *crying from laughing* BECAUSE HE'S CARDBOARD!

You: --so she sits up and angrily swipes away her tears and swears vengeance and goes looking for the masking tape to patch him up!

Me: *grumbles* Since when did you start writing cheesy romance novels?

You: *falls over laughing*

VO Kamren: *blows nose, still laughing*

Audience: *polite applause*

Me: UGH! Hate you! Hate you all!

You: *still laughing*

VO Kamren: *hyperventilating*

Me: I HATE to be the voice of reason, here. I mean... like... REALLY hate it. But... weren't we in the middle of something rather important here??

You: *tries to get ahold of self*

VO Kamren: *gasps, tries to stop cry-laughing*

Audience: *waits politely*

Me: *grits teeth*

You: Oh, man. Whew. Okay, I think that's pretty clear evidence that WE, at least, haven't been wiped or brainwashed.

VO Kamren: Cardboard Rob. Oh, man, Mols. You've got to bring him in as a special guest star.

You: YES!!

Me: I DON'T HAVE A CARDBOARD CUT-OUT OF ROB! Geez!! Now can we please fix the audience and get back to business as usual??

You: *finally gets control* Okay, okay. I dunno, Mols. I kinda like the idea of them not remembering to skeeve on me. Or that I kinda had to break their hearts last season.

VO Kamren: *sniffles and catches breath* And maybe they won't be so inappropriate all the time.

Me: But... that was their charm!

Audience: *watches politely*

Me: LOOK AT THAT! That is not normal!!

You: So... you MISS the skeevy audience?

Me: ...Kinda?

You: *sigh*

VO Kamren: *sigh*

Audience: *waits with eternal politeness*

You: Fine.

VO Kamren: We can try to fix them.

Me: ...Really? *brightens*

You: Whatever. But you'll probably have to break back into the execs' offices again to figure out how they did it.

Me: I have a secret agent playlist already picked out on my mp3 player!

VO Kamren: *facepalm* Of course you do.

Me: So, until next time?

VO Kamren: If you make it back alive.

Me: I've always wanted someone to say that to me just before I head out on a mission!! *heads out on a mission*

You: *headshake* She's gonna get captured and tortured, isn't she?

VO Kamren: Probably.

You: *sigh* At least she'll get a chance to actually use the whole name-rank-serial thing she's been rehearsing. Since she was ten.

VO Kamren: That's good, right?

Audience: *polite applause*

You: Ugh. So creepy. Let's just go.

VO Kamren: Catch ya next time, homes!

You: ...Really?

VO Kamren: ...*shrug*

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to be clear, I DO NOT have a cardboard cutout of Rob. I did, however, laugh my ass off when an email conversation at work led to the whole "cutout getting shot up by rampaging cops" hilarity. Lori literally said the "When Cardboard Rob doesn't move because he's cardboard" part, but it was me dying laughing, not Kamren.


	2. Episode 2

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The-- where's Mols?

You: *looks around* ...Huh.

Audience: *polite applause*

You: That wasn't a joke. She's actually not here.

Audience: *looks politely interested*

VO Kamren: ...She's not back from her secret agent mission, is she?

You: *facepalm*

Audience: *tentative polite applause*

VO Kamren: Stop that!

You: Ugh, I KNEW she'd get captured and tortured! What are we supposed to do?

VO Kamren: ...Well....

You: If you have an idea, spit it out. I got nuthin.

VO Kamren: ...I just... I don't think the execs will do TOO much to her.

You: They brainwashed the audience. They straight-up MURDERED the lights guy and the camera guy and the podium guy.

Lights: *dim*

Camera: *stutters*

You: What makes you think they'd hesitate to do something awful to Mols?

VO Kamren: She wasn't trying to leave. She was trying to get in. I don't think they'll do anything to her because they need her. They need all of us.

You: ...That... actually makes sense.

VO Kamren: *shrug*

Audience: *tentative polite applause*

VO Kamren: ...We'll let that one slide.

You: Only because it's for you.

VO Kamren: ...And?

You: Ugh.

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

You: ...So... how long should we wait?

VO Kamren: I dunno. I was hoping you had a suggestion.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

You: ...Okay, this is gonna sound crazy.

VO Kamren: *raises eyebrows*

You: In fact, this is gonna sound so Mols that it hurts me to even think about it.

VO Kamren: ...Okay?

You: *grits teeth through the pain* Maybe we should plan a rescue mission.

Audience: *polite applause*

You: STOP THAT!

VO Kamren: No, no, that's a good one! That's good applause, because that's a great idea!

You: *facepalm* No, it's really not.

VO Kamren: No, this is great. I mean, the building's just down the block, right? We just need a few things... *rummages in pockets for a pen*

You: *massages temples* I can't believe we're actually contemplating this.

VO Kamren: I can't believe you actually suggested it.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

You: ...Okay, we gotta get Mols back. She would've said something nerdy or snarky there, and it's just getting weird now. What do we need?

VO Kamren: Not sure. The first thing on any list of hers I've ever seen has always been smokebombs.

You: ...What kind of lists are we talking here?

VO Kamren: Grocery lists, mostly.

You: ...

Audience: ...*tentative polite applause*

VO Kamren: Usually, that's followed up by flashbang grenades. I'm not really sure what those are, though.

You: I'm gonna guess they're grenades that flash and bang.

VO Kamren: Wouldn't all grenades kinda do that?

You: ...This is never gonna work.

VO Kamren: We have to try! We should probably have some rope.

You: The heck would we need rope for??

VO Kamren: I dunno, but they always have rope in movies. And they ALWAYS end up using it.

You: Oh. My. God. We're all gonna die.

VO Kamren: Not helping!

You: Sorry, sorry. Uuuuuuuhhhhmmmm... maybe building plans? And we should probably find out where they're keeping her so we can plan a route directly there.

VO Kamren: ...Whoa.

You: What?

VO Kamren: ...That was... really smart.

Audience: *polite applause*

You: ...Thanks?

VO Kamren: *jots notes* What else ya got?

You: ...Hmmm... are there security cameras? Because we're gonna need to avoid those.

VO Kamren: Nice! There are, but most of them don't work. If I can get some blueprints, I can cross off the ones that don't work so we can plan accordingly.

You: ...I have a confession to make.

VO Kamren: *busily jots notes* What's that?

You: ...This is kinda fun. I can see why Mols gets so excited over this stuff.

VO Kamren: *stops jotting and blinks, wide-eyed* ...Huh.

You: Right??

VO Kamren: Ya know? It kinda IS fun.

Audience: *polite applause*

You: *eyeroll* ANYWAY. What else?

     -COMMOTION FROM OUTSIDE-

     -MUFFLED SHOUTS-

You: Oh, God help us. The hell is THIS now??

Men in Suits: *kick in the door, dragging Me between them*

VO Kamren: Holy crap!

MiS #1: *shoves Me toward the open stool* For the love of God, just sit down!

Me: Kowalski! Sergeant! 501 dash 84739!

MiS #2: *twitches*

MiS #1: *points at You* If you wanted information, you should have asked!

You: *blinks, wide-eyed*

MiS #2: And you. *points at Kamren* You're supposed to keep a better eye on these two clownshoes.

VO Kamren: *blinks, wide-eyed* ...Um....

MiS #1: And YOU. *points at Me* Stop sneaking into the building! It's annoying!

Me: KOWALSKI! SERGEANT! 501 dash 84739!

You: *whispers at Kamren* Toldja she'd do the thing.

VO Kamren: *whispers back* But that's not her name. Or her rank. Or her serial number.

You: Since when has that mattered?

Audience: *polite applause*

MiS #1: *throws up hands* Just do your thing, alright? I don't get paid enough to deal with this crap!

Men in Suits: *leave, slamming the door*

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: ...Kowalski. Sergeant. 501 dash 84739.

You: Mols?

Me: *is silent*

You: What'd they do to you?

Me: *twitches*

VO Kamren: *winces* Must have been bad. Can she even talk besides the fake name-rank-serial thing?

You: Mols? *snaps fingers* C'mon. You're freaking us out. What'd they do to you??

Me: ...*smirrrrrrks* Nothing.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...*tentative applause*

You: Stop that! *smacks Me on the arm* What do you mean they did nothing?

Me: Those two? Pssh. Pussycats.

VO Kamren: But... they dragged you in here and, like, threw you across the room!

Me: Meh. I was faking it. They just let go.

You: *facepalm*

VO Kamren: ...Huh. Looked convincing to me.

Me: Right??

You: Then why were you doing the name-rank-serial thing? Did they try to interrogate you?

Me: *shrug* They asked me a couple of questions when they caught me poking around in the filing cabinets, but they were more confused than, like, torturous.

VO Kamren: Then...?

Me: Then what?

You: *pinches bridge of nose* So they didn't torture you for information?

Me: Nope.

You: Then what took you so long??

Me: I told you there's like a million filing cabinets, right?

You: *twitches*

VO Kamren: *closes eyes and shakes head*

Me: And the whole name-rank-serial thing kinda threw them, so they kept trying to get me to say ANYTHING else, but I wouldn't.

You: Because you didn't want to give away the mission?

Me: *shrug* Because it was fun to mess with them. The guy on the left gets this awesome twitch in his eye when he's irritated.

You: *twitches*

Me: Yes! Just like that!

You: *grits teeth*

VO Kamren: Whatever! So you're, like, banned from the building now?

Me: ...No? What made you think that?

VO Kamren: The guy ordered you to stop sneaking in!

Me: Oh! Yeah, no. They gave me a security badge so I can just go in the front door whenever. They're worried I'll hurt myself sneaking around on the fire escape and sue them. It's a liability thing.

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...*polite applause*

You: *through gritted teeth* Did you at least get any information about the audience?

Me: Yup.

You: Care to share?

Me: *slaps a few pages on the table* They brainwashed the audience just to see what we'd do about it.

VO Kamren: ...That's cold.

Me: Right?? So while I was doing my name-rank-serial number thing, they told me they'd undo it if we went on some kind of quest for them.

You: ...*closes eyes* That sounds like some nerd shit.

Me: Fiddly is. It's gonna be AWESOME.

VO Kamren: What are we questing for, exactly?

Me: Who knows? It's basically a MacGuffin. They said they'd email us details and directions.

You: ...So you weren't in any danger at all.

Me: Nope.

VO Kamren: And they freely gave over all the information we need to get our audience back.

Me: Yup.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...*politely waits*

Me: ...Mission accomplished! Who wants post-op drinks?

You: ...I need to go now.

VO Kamren: Right behind you.

You & VO Kamren: *straight-up leave*

Me: Guys? GUYS?? The heck's up with them?

Audience: ...*polite applause*

Lights: *dim*

Me: ...Rude.

-FADE OUT-


	3. Episode 3

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

You: Meh. Whatever.

Me: Still haven't gotten the quest email. The heck??

VO Kamren: They said they'd send it. They didn't say when.

Audience: *polite applause*

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Me: ...*checks email again*

VO Kamren: ANYWAY, since we don't have instructions on how to fix our audience yet, let's do a topic.

You: *yawn* Let's make it a good one because, guh, I'm too tired for this today.

Me: Hit us with it, Annabelle.

VO Kamren: Well, I saw this clip on YouTube last night where Emma Stone beat the crap out of Jimmy Fallon in a lip sync contest, so... what song would you guys lip sync battle with?

Me: I am ALL OVER this. I love watching those lip sync battles! I would SO take him down.

You: *blinks* Mols?

Me: Yeah?

You: I don't think I've ever seen you that vicious.

Me: I WOULD FIDDLY WIN.

You: Or competitive. You're NEVER competitive.

VO Kamren: Did the execs brainwash you, too?

Audience: *polite applause*

VO Kamren: Stop that!

Audience: *polite attention*

You: Well, I really don't do lip sync.

Me: *raises eyebrow*

You: I'd rather actually sing than just pretend to.

Me: Well, yeah. Wouldn't we all? But to go on the Tonight Show and put Jimmy Fallon to the test?

You: ...Okay, fine. I'd probably do Respect.

Me: Nice! That'd be a good one!

You: Right??

VO Kamren: *nods* You could do some damage with that one. Might not be as clear-cut a victory as Miss Emma, but hey.

You: *narrows eyes* Are you saying I'm not as good a lip sync-er as your newest little crush?

Audience: *polite applause*

You & VO Kamren: STOP THAT!

Audience: *politely stop*

VO Kamren: ANYWAY, she did All I Do Is Win. Respect is good, but it ain't Ludacris.

You: *snorts* _You_ ain't Ludacris.

Me: This whole conversation is Ludacris.

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...*fugitive snicker*

Me: Heheh. Go on. You know you want to.

You: Not gonna do it.

VO Kamren: ...Not sure I get it.

Audience: *politely doesn't applaud, just in case*

Me: So what about you, wombat? What's your Take Down Fallon selection?

You: *snorts* Probably something by the Black Eyed Peas.

Me: *snicker*

VO Kamren: Rude.

You: But true?

Me: I'm thinking something by Slim Shady.

You: Ha!

VO Kamren: I'm the real Slim Shady.

Me: KNEW IT!

VO Kamren: But no. I do know some Ludacris.

You: What, no Gangster's Paradise? Is Coolio too street for you?

VO Kamren: ...I get the feeling you're making fun of me.

You: That's because I am, wombat.

VO Kamren: ...Rude.

You: Okay, Mols. That just leaves you.

Me: One Week, by BareNaked Ladies.

VO Kamren: ...?

Me: Are you kidding? That's one of the fast-talking-est songs in the world.

You: Oh, man, you ain't kiddin! That part where it's something about golf clubs and cartoons? I STILL don't know what the heck they're saying there!

Me: I do. I can do the whole bleepin song.

VO Kamren: ...Huh.

You: *nods* Respect.

Me: Ha! Nicely done. *highfives*

You: Man, wouldn't it be awesome if we could all three go up against him?

Me: We would OWN it!

VO Kamren: Weeeee are the chaaaaampions, my frieeeeeends!

You: Don't do it.

Me: And weeeeee'll keep on fiiiiightin... 'til the eeeeeennnnd!

You: No. Seriously. NO.

VO Kamren: Weeeee are the chaaaampions!

Me: Weeeeee are the chaaaaaampions!

Audience: *politely blinks*

Me: Ugh. Way to not take the hint, brainwashed audience.

Audience: ...*politely shrugs*

You: Nooooo time for looooooosers 'cause weeeee are the chaaaaaampions... of the woooooorld!

Me: Nice timing!

You: I was waiting for it.

VO Kamren: *eyeroll*

You: So... done?

Me: *shrug* I'm good.

VO Kamren: Topic discussed. No one died. I wasn't accused of anything horrible. So yeah. Good.

Audience: *polite applause*

VO Kamren: We seriously have to get them fixed.

You: I've been saying that the whole time.

Me: Ha!

VO Kamren: Gross! Not THAT kind of fixed!

You: ...I stand by my statement.

VO Kamren: Ugh. On that note, let's get out of here.

You: Right behind you.

Me: We will, we will ROCK YOU.

Lights: *flash flash*

Camera: *whir*

Lights: *flash flash*

Camera: *whir*

Me: Nice!!

You: Really? You had to go there?

Me: Don't even act like you weren't thinking it.

You: ...Time to go.

Me: *smug*

-FADE OUT-


	4. Episode 4

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

You: Hey.

Me: *shrug*

Audience: *polite attention*

VO Kamren: Seriously? Still no email?

Me: Nope. I've been checking all weekend.

You: I'm still not sure I want the old audience back. I mean, this one's weird and disconcerting, yeah, but at least they're not skeevy.

Audience: *polite attention*

VO Kamren: They're weirding me out. They gotta go.

Me: It's the principle of the thing. Brainwashing's bad, m'kay?

You: Thanks, Mr. Mackey.

Me: *bows*

VO Kamren: Well, since we still have no idea how to fix the brainwashing, what say we do a topic?

You: *yawn* Whatever. It's Monday morning. I got nuthin.

Me: And it's been one helluva Monday morning, alright.

VO Kamren: Um...?

Me: Ever hear of Murphy's Law?

You: Whatever can happen will happen?

Me: That's the one. Well, it pretty much made me its bitch this morning.

VO Kamren: *blinks*

You: Ouch.

Audience: *polite applause*

Me: FIDDLY.

You: Example?

Me: Well, I still feel crummy from this stupid sinus infection, so I got up one snooze late. Right off the bat, I'm already a step behind.

You: I hate days like that. Feels like you're playing catch-up all day.

Me: Right? Then, again because of this stupid sinus thing, I get a nosebleed while trying to blow my stupid nose, and it just didn't want to stop.

VO Kamren: *woozy* Oh, man. That's not good.

Me: Fiddly not good. Plus, I got toothpaste on my shirt and had to change it. Also, my tire was flat, so I had to stop and air it up.

You: Thought you were getting your rear tires changed over the weekend?

Me: Still had a low-grade temp Saturday. Didn't want to inflict this on anyone else.

You: Ah. Continue.

VO Kamren: *dons plague mask*

Audience: *politely dons plague masks*

Me: *narrows eyes* Rude.

VO Kamren: Just in case.

Audience: *polite applause*

Me: ANYWAY, I then get behind slow people and hit every red light between home and work. It was just one of those Murphy's Law mornings.

You: Hey, at least you didn't have to scrape ice off your windows, right?

Me: ...There is that. That would've been a little much.

VO Kamren: I don't think I've ever had a morning like that.

You: *shakes head and makes "cut" gestures*

VO Kamren: I mean, a morning where, like, everything goes wrong.

Me: *narrows eyes*

VO Kamren: *gulps* I mean, I guess I've been late or whatever. Just... not overloaded with stuff.

Me: Well, it sucks. Be glad.

VO Kamren: I am!

You: I haven't had one quite that... fraught... but I do remember that day I was supposed to bring food to work, so I made cheesy potatoes in a crockpot. Unfortunately, I got up late that morning, so I just kinda put the crockpot in the back seat, and it dumped over on the way to work and spilled all over my back seat.

Me: Aw, man! That sucks!

You: Right?? Most of it was just gone. I was so disappointed, because what little was left was really good.

Me: *headshake* It's like once you're up late, everything else just goes straight to hell.

You: Fiddly.

Audience: *polite attention*

VO Kamren: So... we had a topic. Are we done?

Me: I still feel like you're not appropriately appreciative of not experiencing the full wrath of Murphy's Law.

VO Kamren: *gulps again* I appreciate it! I really do!

You: Eh, cut the kid some slack, Mols. Ol' Murphy'll get around to him one of these days.

VO Kamren: Yeah. When he's done with Mols.

You: *facepalm* Oh, wombat.

Me: *blinks* Oh, no, you didn't.

VO Kamren: Didn't what?

Me: *narrows eyes* Oh, NO, you DID NOT.

VO Kamren: *wibbles* Did not what??

Audience: *polite applause*

Me: STOP THAT!

Audience: *politely stops*

Me: Kamren Annabelle, you take that back right now!

VO Kamren: What?? What'd I say??

You: Does it matter? Just take it back!

Me: It won't mean anything if he doesn't even know what he did!

You: *facepalm*

VO Kamren: Was it... I just said Murphy'll be around to me when he's done with... oh.

Me: Yeah, OH. Sheesh!

VO Kamren: Sorry. It just slipped out.

You: And Mols, you already said Murphy's Law made you its bitch today.

Me: Yeah. Murphy's LAW, not Murphy himself.

You: ...Granted. Annabelle?

VO Kamren: Yeah, yeah. Sorry, Mols.

Me: *crosses arms and huffs*

Audience: *polite applause*

VO Kamren: ...Done?

Me: YEAH.

You: Yeah, we're good.

VO Kamren: Whew.

Me: I freakin hate today.

You: Cheer up, Mols. It's Kamren's turn in the barrel tomorrow.

Me: *perks up*

VO Kamren: Wait, what?

You: See ya, folks!

-FADE OUT-


	5. Episode 5

VO Kamren: Hey, all! Welcome back to The Show!

Audience: *polite applause*

VO Kamren: *scowls* I'm not an angry man, but I'm really tempted to tape their hands together so they stop being so darn polite about all of this.

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: *polite silence*

VO Kamren: Seriously. Someone tell me they got the email. I can't stand much more of this.

Me: ...

You: ...Hey, guess what?

Me: ANYTHING. PLEASE.

You: ...Okay. Um... I was just gonna say that Nate's new single comes out tomorrow.

Me: Oh! That's cool, then. You gonna be first in line to pick it up?

You: ...*snorts*

Me: What?

You: No, Mols. I'm gonna download it. Welcome to 2015, ya relic.

VO Kamren: *snickers*

Audience: *politely doesn't applaud*

Me: Pssh. Whatever. If you were a real fan, you'd find a way to wait in line. Fandom is sacrifice, woman.

VO Kamren: We are not doing human sacrifices on this show.

You: *snerk* What if a human sacrifice is necessary to get the audience back to normal?

VO Kamren: ...*grits teeth* We'll burn that bridge when we get to it.

Me: ...Kinda makes for a useless bridge, dude. Maybe we should burn it after we cross it, instead?

VO Kamren: Whatever! No sacrificing! The old audience would have shouted you out as a witch for even suggesting it!

Audience: *politely doesn't shout Me out*

Me: I didn't suggest it! YOU did!

You: Children, please! Slightly more important things to discuss here!

Me: *sits back* Right, right. Sorry. Nate's new single.

You: *happy sigh* Exactly.

VO Kamren: Love songs, right?

You: *happier sigh* Exactly!

VO Kamren: Because he's got a--

Me: Don't you do it, Annabelle.

You: *blissfully ignores* I'm blissfully ignoring you, wombat. As far as I'm concerned, Nate's singing to me and me alone.

Audience: *polite applause*

Me: Whew. And to keep the wombat from sticking his furry little foot in his bucktoothed mouth--

VO Kamren: I'm not bucktoothed!

Me: --I'ma mention that Rob was all Chatty Cathy on Twitter this weekend. He'd still been kinda quiet, but he made up for it yesterday with boxing and the Oscars and Aquaman, oh my!

You: Nicely done.

Me: Thank you!

Audience: *polite applause*

You: But I thought you nerds didn't care about Aquaman.

Me: Oh, we didn't. Not until we saw the first picture of this one. *fans self*

You: Mols, are you... _attracted?_ To some random guy?

VO Kamren: What about Rob?

Me: *still fanning self* Rob still has my heart, wombat. Doesn't mean I can't look at a blatant piece of eye candy and pronounce it very sweet, indeed. Whew!

You: Okay, I gotta see this guy. You don't usually get all flustered without knowing if they're nerdy enough for your tastes. Though, knowing you, he's probably all muscley and blech.

Me: Oh, you bet your sweet bippy he is.

You: So who is he? *whips out phone*

Me: Name's Jason Momoa, I think. No idea what he's been in before. I just know he looks amazing all tatted up and with that armor and that look on his face.

You: ...Huh. Yeah, he's definitely your type. Good hair, though.

Me: Thought you might like that.

Audience: *polite applause*

Me: We'll let that one slide. Dude's worth it.

VO Kamren: So wait... back up a bit. Why do the nerds not care about Aquaman?

Me: Hmm? *watching Lori flip through Aquaman stills*

VO Kamren: You said you didn't care about Aquaman until you saw this one. Why didn't you care?

Me: Dude. Aquaman. His big special power is, like talking to fish. He's an underwater Mr. Magoo. That's the vet that talked to animals, right? Eddie Murphy played him, I think?

You: Dr. Doolittle?

Me: That's the one! Thank you!

VO Kamren: So... no one likes him because his super power is lame?

Me: Exactly. But now he's hot, so we're gonna be shallow and not care. Plus, if they're making a movie, I'm sure they'll butch up his powers a little bit.

VO Kamren: ...Huh.

Audience: *politely waits to see if it's okay to applaud*

VO Kamren: Don't do it.

Audience: *politely doesn't do it*

You: So what about you, wombat?

VO Kamren: Me?

You: Yeah. I've got Nate's CD coming out tomorrow. Mols has Rob tweets and a studly new still-lame Aquaman. What are you looking forward to?

VO Kamren: ...Dinner?

Me: *headshake*

You: Oh, Kamren.

VO Kamren: What? It's gonna be really good.

Me: PB&J?

VO Kamren: No. *shuffles feet* Macaroni and cheese.

Me: *headshake*

You: *covers snerk with hand*

Audience: *politely smiles*

VO Kamren: Shut up. It's awesome.

Me: Ya know, whatever it takes to get you through the day, right?

You: Exactly. And this time tomorrow, I'll be listening to Nate sing directly to me.

VO Kamren: *opens mouth*

Me: Don't do it.

VO Kamren: *closes mouth*

You: *happy sigh* So... we good?

Me: *shrug* I'm good. Lights?

Lights: *flash once, then dim*

VO Kamren: Well, this went surprisingly well. Nothing blew up, right?

Audience: *polite applause*

Me: Well, I could have talked about the OTHER nobody-cares comics character they're making a movie about.

VO Kamren: ...?

You: Wombat, don't be curious. It never works out for you.

VO Kamren: ...Who is it?

You: *headshake*

Me: Ant Man. Nobody cares about Ant Man, but they're making a movie about him anyway. We can't get a Black Widow movie. We can't get a Wonder Woman movie. But we're getting an Ant Man movie that no one wants. I cannot WAIT to see how they get around him beating his wife that time.

VO Kamren: ...*wibbles*

You: What did I tell you, Annabelle? When will you learn??

VO Kamren: I just... I didn't....

You: No. You fiddly didn't.

Me: I could go on.

You: Please don't.

Me: *huffs*

You: Let's just go before it gets... weird.

Me: Whatever. Freakin Ant Man.

Audience: *polite applause*

VO Kamren: STOP THAT!

-FADE OUT-


	6. Episode 6

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show with the Lamely Polite Audience.

Audience: *polite applause*

You: *shrug*

Me: *facepalm*

VO Kamren: So... no email yet?

You: Are you kidding? I haven't even checked. I've been watching Nate's new video.

Me: ...All morning?

You: ...Yeah?

Me: Oi.

VO Kamren: So you like it?

You: More than. It's wonderful. I especially like all the parts with him.

Me: So... like... the whole thing?

You: *happy sigh*

Audience: ...

VO Kamren: ...Mols?

Me: Yeah?

VO Kamren: ...Do they look... weird to you? Weirder than usual?

Me: *eyes the strangely quiet audience* Yeah, they kinda do. Hey, you guys okay?

You: *oblivious with phone in hand, watching the video again*

Audience: ...Terribly sorry. *polite applause*

VO Kamren: Stop that! We weren't asking for polite applause!

Me: Calm down, Annabelle. This is... different. Different might be good.

VO Kamren: *grits teeth*

Audience: ...It just... she looks... so happy.

Me: *glances at glowing Lori* That she does. Is that good?

Audience: ...We like it when she's happy.

VO Kamren: *elbows me* This is better, right? This isn't just polite applause or polite attention, right?

Me: I'd call it pre-skeeve appreciation, which is FIDDLY better.

You: ...*looks up from phone* Why is everyone so quiet?

Me: No reason. So I watched Nate's video, too.

You: What'd you think? Isn't he perfect?

Me: It was okay.

VO Kamren: *winces*

Audience: *shifts politely*

You: ...Okay?

Me: *shrug*

You: *smacks the table* OKAY??

Audience: *politely wibbles*

Me: You know what it really needs?

You: Nothing! It has everything it needs! It has NATE!

Me: It needs a literal video version.

You: ...?

VO Kamren: ...Is it not a video version already?

You: You didn't watch it?

VO Kamren: ...Uh... hey, we need a topic!

Me: We got one. Literal video versions. It's where they take a video that really doesn't have anything to do with the song and, instead of singing the lyrics, they sing what's actually happening on the screen. But with the same melody and beat as the original song. It's HILARIOUS.

You: But this video DOES have something to do with the song.

Me: Really? Because floating alone in the ocean and belting out about how you're nothing without love has anything to do with each other?

You: It's a metaphor! You're the English major here!

Audience: *politely frowns at Me*

Me: Yeah, but wouldn't it be funner if the lyrics were about how he's floating alone in the ocean?

You: No. It's perfect the way it is. Leave it alone.

Me: *eyeroll* Fine. But literal video versions are still WAY funner than regular videos. Like the Take On Me video where it's all jokes about how "everything's drawn and super-80s!" and about how the magic frame turns him from sketchy to real and back again. "When I stand here, it makes me human; I'm handsome either way!" It's priceless.

VO Kamren: That does sound kinda... funny? I mean, I think I've seen the real video, and that sounds about like what happened in it, so... I guess I get it?

You: Whatever. Just leave Nate's video alone. *watches it again and sighs happily*

Audience: *politely relaxes*

Me: *eyeroll* The best one might be the Total Eclipse of the Heart one, but I get a kick out of the one they did for MeatLoaf's I'd Do Anything for Love video, too. It had a bizarre Beauty & the Beast theme to it, so the literal video version is all about how he clearly doesn't pay his electric bill and how he's constantly spying on her by using random things in his magic house. Heheh.

VO Kamren: ...Heh. I need to watch that one.

You: Nate looks really, really good in this shot. And I love this line right here. *replays it*

Me: And then there's the White Wedding one where, while the kitchen is pretty much disintegrating around them, Billy Idol's just calmly narrating what's happening. "There is something wrong with this kitchen. The sink is also not working. There's stuff blowing up everywhere." *chuckles* It's beautiful.

You: I need headphones. You guys are messing up my appreciation of a perfectly done video.

Audience: *politely glares at Me and Kamren*

VO Kamren: ...I think they might be edging back toward normal.

Me: Meh. They're still being awfully polite about it. Maybe the execs made them Canadian?

VO Kamren: ...Was that racist?

Me: ...Honestly, I'm not sure. Might have been. If so, I take it back.

VO Kamren: Good. So... we done?

Me: Unless you guys want me to email you links to awesome literal video versions.

You: Pass. I have all the video-watching I need, right here.

Me: How many views it that now?

You: You're the one who said fandom required sacrifice.

Audience: *politely pales* You don't mean us, right?

Me: *griiiiiin* I thought you liked her when she was happy?

Audience: *politely trembles*

VO Kamren: Okay, that was nicely done. *highfives Me*

Me: I try.

You: SHOOSH. This is my favorite part!

Me: *eyeroll*

VO Kamren: Yeah, let's just go. She's... gonna be a while.

-FADE OUT-


	7. Episode 7

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome to The Show!

You: You sound awfully excited.

Me: *fidgets*

VO Kamren: That's because... I got the email!!

You: The one about the bogus quest that will fix the audience?

Me: *gnaws at fingernail* The bogus quest for the MacGuffin we'll hand over for instructions on how to fix the audience.

You: Same difference. *smacks Me's hand* And stop that. It's... weird.

Me: Sorry.

VO Kamren: Either way, we're one step closer to getting our audience back!

Audience: ...*politely confused*

You: *eyeroll*

Me: *fidgets and tries not to gnaw at fingernail*

VO Kamren: Why aren't you guys more excited about this? We've been waiting FOREVER.

You: I really don't care one way or the other. It's kinda nice to not be skeeved on.

Audience: ...*polite, if hesitant, applause*

You: See?

Me: *pushes a phone button to look at the time*

You: Seriously, Mols. What gives? You're making me nervous.

Me: Sorry. Go on. What's the topic?

VO Kamren: ...Uh... fixing the audience? I can't get this stupid attachment to open, though. My cell doesn't seem to like it. Or it's running slow or something. *shakes phone* C'mon, c'mon!

You: *sigh*

Me: *gnaws fingernail again*

You: *slaps Me's hand away*

Me: *fidgets*

Audience: *politely doesn't know what to do*

Me: *fidgets more*

You: Seriously! Stop it! You're freaking me out! The heck is wrong with you?

Me: I'm fine. Let's do this.

VO Kamren: Still loading. But you _are_ a bit... fidgety, Mols. Something we should know about?

Me: Nothing's wrong, okay? I just... *gnaws fingernail*

You: *smacks Me's hand again* Stop that! You haven't bit your nails since before I met you! What the heck is going on??

Me: Ugh! Fine! I couldn't sleep last night -- shocking, I know -- so I was trying to keep my stupid crack monkey brain entertained until I fell asleep, but instead, I got this great story idea and had to get up and jot it down so I wouldn't forget once I DID go to sleep, and now, all I wanna do is go home and write. I think it's only a short story, but it's a doozy, and I wanna strike while the iron's hot.

You: Aaaaaaaaaah. Okay, I remember now. You did this when you had that other big story idea, too. *nodsnods* It's all coming back to me now. Have you at least eaten and drank something today?

Me: ...?

You: Because you tend to forget to do those things when you've got a writing jones.

VO Kamren: You do tend to forget everything but coming to work when you're all writery.

Audience: *politely watches like it's a tennis match*

Me: ...Oh. Uh, yeah. I had lunch, and I just dumped a new can of Coke in my Sonic cup a little while ago.

You: *shudders* Ugh. Canned pop. Disgusting.

Me: Whatever. I have hydration. I'll be fine. If I can just freaking get home and write.

VO Kamren: *shakes phone again* Why isn't this stupid attachment opening??

You: *eyeroll* Promise me you'll at least eat SOMETHING tonight, no matter how much writing you get done.

Me: If I remember.

You: No. You will eat something. Promise.

Audience: *politely judges Me* Lori wants you to promise.

Me: C'mon! All the stuff I have requires fixing! I don't have anything I can just nuke and eat on the fly!

You: PROMISE.

Me: UGH.

You: You can stop at a drive thru on the way home or something, but I don't want you to skip dinner and go to bed hungry, because you'll probably be up late writing, so you won't get up in time for breakfast.

Me: I've done that plenty of times. It's fine.

You: Aren't you using your lunch hour tomorrow to get new tires put on?

Me: ...

You: Exactly. And if you don't eat THEN, when WILL you eat? Because if you don't crank out this short story tonight, you'll be right back at it as soon as you get home tomorrow.

Me: ...

You: Don't gimme that look. I know you. You'll be right back at it the minute you walk in the door and change into your jeans.

VO Kamren: *shakes phone some more* She's right, you know. You did that for ten days straight last time, and it wasn't pretty.

Me: ...Rude.

VO Kamren: *shrugs and shakes phone*

Me: Rude! I ate at least once every day!

You: MOLS.

Audience: Lori isn't happy. Lori wants you to promise.

Me: Fine! Geez, you guys are pushy. And creepy.

You: I gotta admit - that was a little creeptastic. How's that email coming, Annabelle?

VO Kamren: *shakes phone a little more* Almost there-- ha! Attachment opened! Executing... oh... wait... no! No!! It's a stinking virus!

You: *closes eyes and shakes head*

Me: *closes eyes and shakes head and fidgets*

Audience: *politely chuckles*

VO Kamren: It's deleting all the mail in my inbox! Now it's... oh, man! Hey, guys?

You: Yeah?

VO Kamren: Uh... don't open any emails from me, okay? Especially not ones with attachments.

You: *sigh*

Me: *pinches bridge of nose*

Audience: *politely deletes all emails from Kamren ever*

Me: So that wasn't The Email, huh?

VO Kamren: Doesn't look like it. Now I gotta go change all my passwords. Ugh.

You: So... is that all for the day?

Me: Yes, please. *gnaws fingernail*

You: *smacks hand and glares.

Me: *siiiiiiigh*

VO Kamren: Yeah, we'd better go. This... this is gonna take a while. *shakes phone*

-FADE OUT-


	8. Episode 8

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show, everyone! I... uh... got my email thing fixed.

You: Said as if your email is a cat.

Me: *snickers and fidgets*

You: Oh, God, you're not still on a writing jones, are you?

Me: ...*shrugs and fidgets*

VO Kamren: Oh, goody.

Audience: *politely eyes Me with suspicion*

Me: *sigh* Just like old times around here. Let's just get on with it, shall we?

You: Did you at least eat this weekend?

Me: Do kale chips count?

You: *facepalm*

VO Kamren: Well, since we still haven't gotten that email we're all looking for--

You: All but me.

VO Kamren: --let's talk about silly stuff you can do in snow.

Me: ...

You: ...Haven't we already done that?

VO Kamren: That was _fun_ stuff to do in snow.

You: *eyeroll*

Me: *fidgets*

Audience: *politely waits*

VO Kamren: Look, we got snowed on AGAIN this weekend, and I don't have anything better to talk about because that stupid virus wiped out the topics list I made up after last season, so just talk about stupid snow, okay??

You: *wide-eyed* Yeah, okay.

Me: *wide-eyed* Sure thing, wombat.

Audience: *politely wide-eyed*

VO Kamren: Good. Go.

You: Uh... honestly, I really didn't do a lot of playing in the snow. I really freaking hate being cold, so I'd just go out for, like, two minutes, then go back inside.

Me: That's so sad.

You: *shrug* I'll take summer in the pool any day.

Me: Ugh. THE SUN.

You: Yes, we're all well aware of your ongoing rivalry with the sun. Thankfully, that's not the topic today.

Audience: *politely judges Me some more*

Me: Ugh. *fidgets*

VO Kamren: C'mon, guys. There's all sorts of goofy things to do in the snow. Snowbombs. Have you guys ever done snowbombs?

Me: I used to climb a tree and wait until someone was walking under it, then shake all the snow off a branch down onto them. Does that count?

VO Kamren: Uh... yeah. That counts.

You: Sorry, Mols, but I'd have had to kill you if you did that to me.

Me: Hey, I learned from my brother. He did it to me first.

You: So you had to take vengeance on the rest of the local populace?

Me: Them's the breaks.

You: *eyeroll*

Audience: *politely plots to kill Me in my sleep*

VO Kamren: Okay, okay, what about, like, sledding behind a four-wheeler?

You: Are you kidding me? Unless the rope was long enough, you'd just end up eating all the muddy snow the four-wheeler kicked up.

Audience: *politely cringes* Gross.

VO Kamren: But if the rope's too long, you lose most of your ability to control where you're going and just get dragged.

You: Exactly. Pass.

Me: Heheheh.

You: *eyeballs Me*

Me: Sorry. I just... when I was a kid, Dad used to chain an old truck hood to the back of the tractor and drag us kids up and down the gravel roads around our house. It was a riot.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: It was fun. We looked forward to it every year.

You: *headshake* You are such a redneck sometimes.

Me: He actually texted me this weekend and asked if I was too old to do that these days. I texted back that I just put new tires on my car, so if he wasn't careful, I'd drive down and make him put his money where his mouth was.

You: *facepalm*

VO Kamren: Ya know? I'm gonna go old school here and say, hey, has anyone just peed in the snow?

You: *wide-eyed*

Me: *wide-eyed*

Audience: *politely edges away, wide-eyed*

VO Kamren: Is that a no?

You: Well, Kamren, some of us can't pee standing up, so does that answer your question?

VO Kamren: Uh... yeah. Yeah, that answers it.

You: Any other bizarro suggestions?

Me: My brother and I used to fence with icicles.

You: *headshake*

VO Kamren: Did you two ever do anything that wouldn't cost anyone else an eye?

You: Or a limb?

Audience: *politely judges some more*

Me: If there's no risk, there's no thrill.

You: Ugh. Are we done yet?

VO Kamren: I think we'd better be.

Me: You guys are no fun.

Audience: *politely edges further away*

Me: *huffs* Whatever. I'd rather be writing, anyway.

You: *pats Me on the head* Poor baby.

Me: *mutters*

VO Kamren: Until next time!

-FADE OUT-


	9. Episode 9

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show, everyone!

You: 'Sup.

Me: Eeeeee!

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Audience: ...

Me: *covers mouth*

You: ...Did you finish writing?

Me: *shakes head*

VO Kamren: ...Win a jackpot?

Me: *shakes head*

Audience: *politely stares with suspicion*

Me: *rolls eyes*

You: Then what's with the barely-contained squee?

Me: *loosens fingers just enough* Rob tweeted last night that he's starring in a network TV pilot on FOX!

You: Oh. That's... good? Right?

Me: It's GREAT. He's done TV, of course, but usually no more than a few episodes. If this pilot gets picked up, he'll be the main character!

VO Kamren: Wait, I thought you said he was on that vampire show.

Me: That was on cable. I had to wait until the DVDs came out to see it. And honestly? I was only watching for him.

Audience: *polite headshake*

VO Kamren: Oh. Right. But... I thought you didn't like TV?

You: Yeah, Mols. How much did I have to twist your arm to get you to watch one season of _How to Get Away with Murder?_ A show you actually LIKED.

Me: Dudes. This is Rob.

You: ...Fair enough.

VO Kamren: But seriously. You said you've always hated TV.

Me: *eyeroll* I didn't ALWAYS hate TV. At least not all of it. I used to watch as a kid, just not constantly.

You: Oh, please. With all the time you and your siblings spent outside blowing stuff up and falling out of trees and doing God only knows what, how did you have time for television?

Audience: *politely tremble*

Me: Plenty of hours in the day. Besides, _Star Trek_ was on after church on Sunday. We by-God MADE time for it. Like football.

You: Ugh. Can't we at least go the whole off season without mentioning football?

VO Kamren: Too late.

Me: And there was always stuff like _Unsolved Mysteries_ to watch.

You: Whoa, whoa. You watched _Unsolved Mysteries?_

Me: Uh, YEAH. I watched that show RELIGIOUSLY.

You: Me, too! It was one of my favorites! Right up there with _Pop-Up Video!_

Audience: Did we love that show? We think we loved that show.

Me: Ugh. You people and your cable.

You: Not my fault you were raised like a savage out in the boonies.

Me: I prefer the term heathen.

You: No-cable-havin' SAVAGE.

Me: Rude.

VO Kamren: I liked _Boy Meets World_.

Me: I can see that.

VO Kamren: It wasn't _Unsolved Mysteries_ , but... what was?

You: True, true.

Audience: *politely nods*

Me: Did... did we just do a beer commercial?

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: Never mind.

You: _My So-Called Life_. I freaking LOVED Jordan Catalano. And _Clarissa Explains It All_. And _Rugrats_. *happy sigh* And, weirdly enough, Lifetime movies.

Me: Oh, Lori.

VO Kamren: *headshake*

You: I had a very sheltered youth, okay??

Me: It's okay. We love you anyway.

You: Shaddup. Rude.

Audience: *politely raises hands* We love you?

You: *facepalm* Who needs a quest? They're coming back on their own.

VO Kamren: I dunno. They're still pretty polite.

You: They'll get over it. Guh.

VO Kamren: Uh... back on track... how about _Salute Your Shorts?_

You: YES! That was a great one!

Me: *blank look*

You & VO Kamren: *sing* Camp Anawanna, we hold you in our hearts! And when we think about you, it makes us wanna fart!

Me: ...Charming.

Audience: *polite applause*

You: Seriously, Mols? You missed _Salute Your Shorts??_

Me: It sounds vaguely familiar...?

You: It was on Nickelodean.

Me: CABLE AGAIN.

You: Seriously, Mols. You're killin me, here. Please tell me you watched something besides football, _Murder, She Wrote_ , _Star Trek_ , and _Unsolved Mysteries?_

Me: _Outer Limits. Tales from the Crypt. The Twilight Zone. Tales from the Dark Side._

VO Kamren: Why am I not surprised?

You: Yeah, you can stop now. I think we've heard everything we need to know.

Audience: *politely afraid*

Me: *shrug*

VO Kamren: So... we done talking about Rob's new TV show?

You: Hey, what's it about, anyway?

Me: *griiiiiin*

You: Uh-oh. Should I not have asked?

Me: The character is an older corrupt cop who is murdered and brought back to life, Frankenstein-style, as a young, gorgeous badass with the mind of a 75-year-old ex-Marine, trying to decide if he wants to go back to his corrupt ways or maybe use this opportunity to be a good guy for once.

You: ...Uh-huh.

Me: *happy sigh* It's like miserable Brit Frankenstein meets undead curmudgeon Robocop.

VO Kamren: ...Okay. Should all those words go together like that?

Me: *sings* These are a few of my faaaavorite thiiiinnnnngs!

Audience: *polite headshake*

You: This is just a pilot, right? They haven't greenlit a whole season yet?

Me: *glares*

You: Just sayin.

Me: I would watch that show until approximately the end of time.

VO Kamren: Because it's Rob?

Me: Because it's BADASS.

You: Oh, Mols.

VO Kamren: Iiiiiii think we're done for the day. Lights?

Lights: *stay steady*

Me: *grin* It's okay, lights guy. I was done, anyway.

Lights: *dim*

Me: Thanks, buddy.

Lights: *flash pleasantly*

Audience: *politely trembles*

You: Are you done sweettalking the lights ghost?

Me: It's not sweettalking to just be nice. Camera?

Camera: *whirs a few times before shutting off*

Me: See?

You: Whatever. Better watch it, or Rob'll be jealous.

Me: He isn't aware of my existence. I think he'll make it through.

VO Kamren: Oh, so it's okay when SHE says it?

Me: *glares*

You: Walk away, Annabelle. Trust me on this one.

Audience: Lori knows all.

VO Kamren: ...*gulps* That's all the time we have for today, folks!

You: We're outtie.

Me: And don't forget to watch Rob's show!

You: Really, Mols?

Me: *shrug* It can't hurt.

You: *headshake*

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> But seriously, watch the show when it comes out. I want a whole season!


	10. Episode 10

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

You: Whatever.

Me: *yaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwn*

VO Kamren: Great enthusiasm, guys!

You: Ugh. What are you so chipper about?

Me: *blinks blearily*

You: And what are you so dead about? Geez, Mols. You look like hell.

VO Kamren: Harsh.

Audience: But true.

VO Kamren: Hey! Wait... that sounded almost normal.

Me: *yawns* 'S okay. I was up late finishing that story.

You: You finished it?

Me: *bleary nod* Ended up being about twice as long as I thought it'd be, but it's done.

You: That's awesome! *highfives*

Audience: *polite applause*

VO Kamren: *opens mouth*

Me: I swear to God that if you say anything about the frequency of me finishing things, I will slap the taste out of your face.

VO Kamren: *closes mouth*

Me: *narrows eyes*

You: ANYWAY... Annabelle, you never answered why you're so freakin chipper today. What gives?

VO Kamren: *wary glance at Me* I'm excited is all.

You: And why are you excited?

VO Kamren: Because I got... *dramatic pause*... THE EMAIL.

You: ...

Audience: ...

Me: ...*yawn* I feel like we've had this conversation before.

You: Pretty sure it ended with your phone getting an STD.

Audience: *politely appalled*

VO Kamren: Gross! It was a virus, not an STD!

You: That's what they all say, and the next thing you know, your dick falls off.

Me: Clunk.

You: Freakin tragic.

Audience: *politely horrified*

VO Kamren: *fidgets* ...Nuh-uh.

You: *shrug*

VO Kamren: Nuh-uh. You're just messing with me. Besides, this really IS The Email. No attachment.

You: *eyeroll* Whatever. Read us the magic email.

Me: *slumps in seat and leans head back to try to doze off*

VO Kamren: Lemme just... *fiddles with phone* Here we go. It says we have to quest for three Chaos Tokens to be traded for the Infinity Cup, which, when filled with the Water of All Wisdom, grants he who drinks from it omniscience. Uh...

You: ...

Audience: ...

Me: *eyes closed, still slumped* Means "all-knowing".

VO Kamren: ...Oh. I knew that.

You: I didn't care.

Audience: *polite boredom*

VO Kamren: Anyway, it says we have to voyage through the Blasted Lands to the Forest of the Rising Moon, where the night elves have been guarding the first Chaos Token since the dawn of the First Age.

You: ...This already sounds stupid.

Me: *yawns* You guys go ahead. I'll catch up later.

You: Do what now??

Me: *grumbles and pulls out a pillow* I did the last quest. And the one before that.

You: You went down the block and climbed the fire escape!

Me: Still a quest. And I had to do it by myself. Without theme music.

VO Kamren: AHEM.

You: Sorry.

Me: Whatever. I can't get this pillow just right under my head. *puts it on the table and faceplants into it* SO much better.

Audience: *polite yawns*

VO Kamren: After we fight the night elves and take the first Token, we have to take the Ferry of Truth across the River of Molten Gold and climb the Mountains of Madness--

Me: *sits up straight* Whoa, whoa, we're doing Lovecraft? Fuck it, I'm back in.

VO Kamren: ...Uh. I dunno about Lovecraft. These mountains apparently hide a volcano, though, because we're supposed to ascend to the Mouth of the Universe and throw the first Token into the lava there.

You: I wonder if the lava is why they call the river "molten gold"?

Me: Huh. Maybe so. That's gonna be one helluva trip on the ferry, if so.

You: *sigh* Don't suppose anyone has one of those insulated suits that makes you look like leftovers?

Audience: *politely blinks in confusion*

VO Kamren: ANYWAY, when we throw in the Token, the volcano will erupt until it's empty--

Me: Uh... while we're standing on the rim of it?

VO Kamren: ...It doesn't say.

You: This is the stupidest quest ever.

VO Kamren: Can I please just...?

You: *waves him on*

Me: *slumps back over and hugs the pillow*

VO Kamren: Thank you. When the volcano is empty, the second Chaos Token will be revealed. We climb into the crater and grab it, then trek down into the revealed Caverns of Eternal Night.

You: Why are all these names really, really descriptive?

Me: What? You want they should be boring? Here's your quest: take the ferry over a lava river and climb some mountains, then toss a glorified peso into a volcano, survive the eruption, and stumble down into the Really Dark Cave?

You: ...You have a point. Continue, wombat.

VO Kamren: We follow the Crystalline Path to the Well of the Secret Heart, drop in the second Token, and look down inside. The Well will show us the deepest, darkest truths about ourselves. If we can withstand the onslaught--

Me: Nice vocabulary, Annabelle!

VO Kamren: ...Um... I just read it off the instructions.

Me: Oh. Thought you were narrating.

VO Kamren: No. Sorry?

Me: Meh.

You: ANYWAY.

VO Kamren: Sorry! If we can stand the onslaught, the third Token will rise up from the ancient waters for us to take with us to the Deeper Chambers of the Soul. There, we'll meet--

Me: _WAITAMINUTE._

VO Kamren: ...?

You: ...?

Audience: ...*wakes up from where they'd politely fallen asleep*

Me: Lemme see your phone.

VO Kamren: *hands it over*

Me: *scrolls back to the top of the message* Oh. My. God.

You: What?

Me: IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

VO Kamren: WHAT makes sense?

Me: *facepalms repeatedly*

You: Mols??

Me: It's a freakin video game.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: Did you not see that it was added on to a forwarded message, wombat?

VO Kamren: Uh... I was just looking at the important part.

Me: Wrong. SO wrong. There's a whole conversation. Let me enlighten you.

      Big Exec: I can't get past this damn level.

      Yes Exec: Which one?

      Big Exec: The damn Chaos Tokens. The damn night elves keep boiling and eating me!

      Yes Exec: ...I think one of the Three plays video games.

      Big Exec: ...You just got your promotion. Make it happen.

      Yes Exec: Thank you, sir!

Me: And that, my friends, is why our audience was reprogrammed.

VO Kamren: ...But I don't play video games.

You: Oh, wombat. *headshake* So I guess this one's up to you, Mols?

Me: GRRRRRR.

You: Hey, I say we leave them like they are.

Audience: *polite shrug*

Me: Hate you. Hate you all.

VO Kamren: ...Oh. OH. Yeah, Mols can do it. You can do it, Mols!

Me: DAMMIT ALL TO HELL.

You: Don't forget your security badge.

Me: *mutters and throws pillow at Kamren before stomping out the door*

You: Shouldn't take too long.

VO Kamren: This is a nice pillow. Comfy.

You: *facepalm* Ugh. Let's just....

VO Kamren: *snuggles pillow*

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I had entirely too much fun coming up with "quest" stuff. I might have read a few too many fantasy novels in my youth. Or, like, last week. And played one too many adventure games.


	11. Episode 11

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

You: *yawn*

Me: *rubs temples*

Audience: Sympathy boner. Sorry?

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: ...What?

VO Kamren: They're back! YES!!

You: Oh, goodie.

Me: *winces and rubs back of neck*

Audience: ...We're confused.

VO Kamren: What's the last thing you remember?

Audience: Getting out of bed this morning.

VO Kamren: No, before that.

Audience: Going to bed last night.

You: *headshake* This is oh, so helpful.

Me: Ask a stupid question, right?

VO Kamren: ...When's the last time you remember being here?

Audience: ...Uh... something about aliens? Really, cripplingly stupid ones?

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Me: ...Oh, boy.

VO Kamren: A whole season, just gone? That's... that's so sad.

Me: And they'd made such progress.

You: *headshake*

Audience: ...This isn't the first episode of Season Two?

VO Kamren: Uh... no.

Audience: ...How long did we miss?

VO Kamren: *points at title*

Audience: ...Oh. Did Season Two have 50 episodes?

VO Kamren: Yeah.

Audience: ...Confusion boner. Not even sorry. The heck happened??

You: Meh. YouTube it.

Me: My head is killing me. Anyone else got a headache?

VO Kamren: Uh, no. And the execs wiped your memories to force us to do this quest thing--

You: Us?

Me: *headshake*

VO Kamren: --and get your memories back. Looks like they only got you back a little bit. You've... uh... missed a few things.

Audience: ...

You: Seriously... us?

VO Kamren: *shrug* Narrative brevity.

You: You don't even know what that means.

Audience: ...So did we get to bone Kamren's mom?

VO Kamren: Hey!

You: You're the one who missed them so bad.

Me: He really should've seen that coming.

Audience: Did we get to bone Lori??

You: I will hurt you with all the hurty things.

Audience: Clearly, the evil one over there didn't get burned at the stake.

VO Kamren: ...Um... actually....

Audience: ...?

You: Tell 'em, Annabelle.

VO Kamren: Actually... she... kinda saved you guys.

You: Kinda??

Me: Yeah, kinda??

Audience: ...Bullshit.

VO Kamren: No, really. The quest turned out to be a really hard video game level the execs couldn't get past, so she had to go play it through for them. They wouldn't fix you until she did.

Me: It took three hours to get through that freakin level. At which point, they said screw it and made me play the whole rest of the game. I didn't get home until three A.M., thanks to you buncha clownshoes, so I don't wanna hear it.

You: Oh, man. Is that why you have a headache?

Me: Now that I think of it... probably.

VO Kamren: So... she fiddly saved you guys.

Audience: ...Bullshit.

You: *facepalm*

Me: *headshake*

VO Kamren: She fiddly did. I mean, I don't play video games.

You: I WON'T play video games.

Me: *rubs temples* Man, I need Rob to come give me a head massage.

Audience: But she's an evil witch demon!

VO Kamren: But apparently pretty good at video games.

Me: Word.

Audience: ...Boner's gone. Now we're just confused.

You: Thank God for small favors.

Audience: Nothin small about THIS favor, baby.

You: GROSS.

Me: They're in rare form today.

VO Kamren: ...They'd made such progress last season.

You: Says you.

Me: Meh, maybe they'll go home and YouTube it and come back with a better attitude next time.

You: And maybe Rob will magically appear right now to rub your head.

Me: ...

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

You: ...Yeah. Didn't think so.

Me: *sigh* I tried.

VO Kamren: So... good?

You: No.

Me: Not really.

VO Kamren: ...I just mean, is the episode over?

You: We didn't do a topic.

Me: The audience lost an entire season and a fifth of this one.

Audience: We didn't get to perv on Kamren's mom.

VO Kamren: ...*happy sigh* It's good to have things back to normal, guys.

You: *eyeroll*

Me: Whatever. My head hurts.

Audience: This show sucks.

VO Kamren: I love you guys.

-FADE OUT-


	12. Episode 12

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show! Where we have our audience back and everything's back to normal!

You: Dammit.

Me: Whatever.

Audience: Bow chicka bow wow?

Me: *narrows eyes* I take it you clownshoes didn't YouTube last season yet.

Audience: Get thee behind us, witch.

You: That's a no.

Me: Ungrateful.

VO Kamren: Anyway! Let's get on with The Show! Today's topic is--

Me: Guess what!!

VO Kamren: ...*grumbles* See? Everything's back to normal.

You: Just like you always wanted, right, Annabelle?

VO Kamren: *kicks a rock*

Me: Anyway, guess what!

You: What?

Me: Rob tweeted that he's in Dallas! You know what that means!

VO Kamren: ...?

You: ...?

Audience: ...Is there a boner joke here we're just not getting?

Me: UGH. It means he's filming the pilot for that show.

You: ...Hasn't it been off the air since, like, the 80s?

Me: ...?

You: I mean, pretty sure they already figured out who shot JR, right?

VO Kamren: Wasn't it all a dream or something?

Me: *facepalm* NO. Not _Dallas_ , the show. The curmudgeonly ex-Marine Robocop Frankenstein show!

You: Oooooooooohhhhh.

VO Kamren: Ringing a very vague bell.

Audience: We'll ring your bell. *waggles eyebrows*

VO Kamren: *wide-eyed*

You: ...Are they equal opportunity pervs now?

Me: That's beautiful, man.

VO Kamren: No. No it isn't. Talk about Dallas.

You: Oh, wombat. You're adorable when you're freaking out.

VO Kamren: DALLAS.

Me: *sings* Daaaaallas Alice.

You: ...?

VO Kamren: ...?

Audience: ...Isn't that a song about weed, whites, and wine?

Me: Yes!

Audience: ...Cool.

VO Kamren: I don't even want to know what just happened. Just talk about the cranky cyborg, okay?

Me: He won't be a cyborg, but sure. Anyway, all I know is that he's there.

You: *fiddles with phone* Did you know Dallas is only like a 6-hour drive from here?

Me: ...Really?

You: *waggles phone* It's amazing what you can find out with a data plan.

Me: Ugh. Let it go, woman.

You: Whatever. We should fiddly go there. Hey, this weekend!

Me: Didn't we already have this discussion? When he was in New Orleans?

You: Yeah, but we're having it again because Dallas is closer.

Me: Still skeevy!

Audience: And that's OUR job.

Me: Fiddly.

VO Kamren: At least they're good at it, right?

You: *sigh* Whatever. What if... like... we were there for some other reason? Then, if you bumped into him, it'd just be a happy coincidence.

Me: *eyeroll* Because there's SO MUCH to do in Dallas in March.

You: *fiddles with phone some more* Hey, we could hit the Critterman Animal Extravaganza. Oh, wait. No elephants. LAME.

Me: *eyeroll*

You: The Clippers are playing the Mavericks.

Me: ...?

You: Basketball.

Me: PASS. Ugh.

You: Heathen.

Audience: "Heathen" is the same as "demon witch", right?

Me: *glares*

VO Kamren: Any hockey going on?

You: *fiddles* Looks like the St. Louis Blues are playing.

VO Kamren: Sweet! Who are they up against?

You: Sorry. Already past that. Hey! The Pro Martial Arts Spring Break camp is going on!

Me: Hey! You should fiddly take the guy!

You: Um... we're not really... we just kinda... just friends.

Me: ...Oh. Sorry?

You: Meh. It's better. But yeah, he'd love it. Hey, here's one for you: distillery tours. Get your beer and wine on.

Me: ...That actually sounds interesting. Can I see?

You: *hands over phone*

Me: *fiddles* Oh, man. There's all sorts of wine tours and historical tours and such. SO MUCH stuff for JFK, of course.

Audience: Boring.

You: ...For once, I agree.

Me: Ooo! The Amazing Scavenger Hunt! That sounds fun, right?

You: How about you do that while I watch the Mavericks and Kamren watches the Blues?

VO Kamren: Wait, I get to go, too? Sweet!

You: I wonder if the execs would, like, let us do a special "on location" show? Hey, could we claim it as a business expense, then?

VO Kamren: Fiddly! This might work, guys!

Me: *fiddles more* Oo oo! A winery/pizza/chocolate/jazz tour of the city! Let's do that one! It's only $55 apiece!

You: I do love chocolate.

VO Kamren: And I love pizza. *jots it down*

Audience: Can we go?

You: Gonna skeeve on me the whole time?

Audience: ...You and Kamren. And his mom.

You: NO.

VO Kamren: FIDDLY NO.

Audience: Shucks.

Me: Oh. My. God.

You: What? Did you find where Rob is filming?

Me: The International Exhibition of Sherlock Holmes.

You: ...?

VO Kamren: ...?

Me: You team up with Sherlock Holmes to solve a crime, following clues all over the city. I wanna do that. Can we do that? Please please please please pleeeeeeeeeease??

You: *headshake* Oh, Mols.

Me: OH!

You: Geez, what now?

Me: There's a 5K Zombie Run! Lori, LoriLoriLori can we can we can we??

Audience: *trembles* We changed our mind. We don't want to go.

VO Kamren: This... maybe isn't the best idea, after all.

You: Yeah, having second thoughts myself.

Me: Why the heck don't we all just move to Dallas?? LOOK at all this stuff!

VO Kamren: Lori?

You: Yeah?

VO Kamren: Can you take your phone back, please?

You: ...I think I better. Mols?

Me: *gleefully flipping through Dallas calendar* Hmm?

You: You remember Rob, right?

Me: Your point?

You: You're supposed to go there to "accidentally" bump into Rob.

Me: ...Sherlock Holmes and zombies, dude.

You: That's it. Gimme my phone back.

Me: *pouts*

You: Don't even try it. I am immune to puppy eyes.

Me: But all the STUUUUFFFFF!

VO Kamren: We can't move to Dallas. We have to be here to do The Show, remember?

You: Which is why we were talking weekend-only.

Audience: Wait, we what now?

You: Ugh. Watch the damn YouTube videos already and catch the hell up! C'mon!

Me: ...*pouts* You guys are no fun.

You: You're the one who forgot the whole point of the exercise.

Me: ...Touché.

VO Kamren: So... I guess we did a topic, right?

You: Overdid, if you ask me.

Me: I seriously wanna do that Sherlock Holmes thing.

You: See? Lights?

Lights: *reluctantly dim*

Audience: *shrieks like little girls*

Me: Hey!

Lights: *flash once, like a shrug*

Me: FINE. Whatever.

VO Kamren: That's all, folks! Join us next time!

Me: If Rob tweets that he went on the Sherlock Holmes thing or the zombie run, I will never forgive you guys.

You: *sigh*

-FADE OUT-


	13. Episode 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just wanna say, right from the start, that this may be my favorite episode of the season, even if I haven't written the other 37 episodes yet. Also, I blame it all on Kamren, who was sad when the "black ops" episode in Season Two didn't feature me appearing and disappearing at random and shooting everyone with Nerf guns. He's been asking me to fix that grievous omission ever since.
> 
> How d'ya like me now, Annabelle??

VO Kamren: Hello and welcome back to The Show! And, crazily enough, our 13th episode for this season happens to be on Friday the 13th!

You: That's just weird. Did we do that on purpose?

VO Kamren: Nope. Between people being sick and weird weather, it just worked out that way.

You: Huh. I just hope it doesn't turn out like last Friday the 13th.

VO Kamren: Yeah. No bodyswapping, please.

You: Fiddly.

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...Where's Mols? And the audience?

You: I don't... Mols was right here a few minutes ago.

VO Kamren: Did she go to the bathroom or something?

You: Uh, no. That's my schtick.

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: *shambles in*

VO Kamren: Hey, there they are! You guys are late.

Audience: *moans*

You: ...And hung over, apparently. Rough night?

Audience: *shambles to bleachers and sits _en masse_ *

You: ...Guys?

VO Kamren: ...Do they look a little... worse for wear to you?

You: Now that you mention it--

     -GUNSHOT-

     -Audience member goes down, red splattering all over from the forehead-

VO Kamren: *shrieks like a little girl and huddles behind podium*

You: *shrieks like a firebell and dives under table*

Audience: *moans in muddled confusion and pokes at the fallen one*

VO Kamren: Oh, my God, what just happened??

You: Who's shooting?? Where'd that shot come from??

     -GUNSHOT-

     -Another audience member goes down in a spray of red-

Audience: *moans in muddled, growing irritation*

VO Kamren: OH MY GOD I KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

You: *arms over head* What? What the hell is happening right now??

VO Kamren: The audience! They're undead!

You: Bullshit.

Audience: BRAAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNNNSSSSSSS.

You: ...Son of a bitch.

Audience: *lunges out of seats, tripping over each other*

     -MULTIPLE GUNSHOTS-

     -MULTIPLE RED SPLATTERS-

VO Kamren: Oh, my God, this is awful! Where the heck is Mols?? SHE'S BEEN TRAINING FOR THIS MOMENT HER WHOLE LIFE!!

You: Right?? The ONE TIME she'd actually be--

Me: *steps out from behind a ficus plant* Here. Aim for the head. *drops a gun under the table for Lori and disappears again*

You: What the--

VO Kamren: Where the--

     -MULTIPLE GUNSHOTS-

     -MORE RED SPLATTERS-

VO Kamren: Mols!! Where's mine??

Me: *steps out from a convenient shadow to drop a gun by the podium, disappears again*

VO Kamren: ...Thanks. Um...

Audience Member: *lunges at him* Brains! BRAINS!!

VO Karmen: Holy... *fiddles with gun* Um... I can't... how the heck-- *fires*

Audience Member: *looks down at red splatter on shirt* BRAINS. *lunges again*

Me: *steps out from under the table with Lori to thwap Kamren on the back of the head* I said aim for the head. *disappears behind podium*

VO Kamren: I'M NERVOUS, OKAY?? *fires again*

Audience Member: *goes down with a red forehead*

VO Kamren: ...I just... did I just... but... we just got them back and I....

Me: *rolls out from under the bleachers* It's shoot or be turned, man. You had to do it. On your six. *steps behind another ficus*

VO Kamren: What the heck is my six??

Audience Member on Kamren's Six: *goes down in a red splatter*

VO Kamren: ...Oh. Thanks, Mols.

You: Is she wearing camouflage or something?? *fires from under table*

Random Audience Member: *falls backward in a splatter*

VO Kamren: I dunno, actually. *fires from behind podium*

You: Dude, you missed. How can you miss?? They're EVERYWHERE!

Me: *ghosts out from under a throw rug* FOCUS. Geez, guys! *crouches behind a chair*

You: HOW IS THIS EVEN HAPPENING??

VO Kamren: I dunno! Just keep firing!!

You: Kamren, get down! One's about to--

     -GUNSHOT-

     -Red splatter-

You: ...Never mind. Dammit, Mols!

Me: *invisible chuckles*

You: I bet you're just the happiest camper right now. *fires and splatters*

Me: *joins You under the table* Pretty chipper, actually, yeah. *rolls away and is gone*

VO Kamren: *fires and splatters* Is it weird that I'm kinda getting the hang of this?

Me: *knocks the podium over and shoves him toward the table* Still can't watch your back, clearly. *fires and splatters*

You: Hey! This is my table space! Get your own! *fires and splatters*

VO Kamren: Not my choice! Hey, I need a reload!

Me: That's because you don't aim. Gimme that. *pops out the magazine and pops in another* Seriously. Make 'em last. About half of them are down, but the rest are just getting madder. *ghosts away*

You: Seriously. How does she keep doing th-- hey! When did she change out my magazine??

VO Kamren: *fires and misses* Are you complaining?

You: *fires and hits the missed one* Are you?

VO Kamren: ...You're better at this than I thought you'd be.

You: I want to live.

VO Kamren: ...Good point. *aims, fires, and splatters*

You: Better!

     -MULTIPLE GUNSHOTS-

     -Multiple splatters-

You: I'm kinda proud of us. *fires and splatters*

VO Kamren: Right? *fires and misses* I mean, we're, like, surviving here!

Me: ON YOUR FREAKIN SIX. *splatters it for him* Seriously, dude. I've saved you like six times now. WATCH YOUR BACK. *steps behind ficus again*

VO Kamren: Oh, my God, THAT'S what "on your six" means??

You: *thwaps him* It's like a clock, dude. Twelve is dead ahead. Six is directly behind. Geez, even I know that!

VO Kamren: We're being attacked by a zombie audience! Can I please learn military terminology later??

You: *fires and splatters* Unbelievable.

VO Kamren: I'm out again!

Me: *rolls out from under bleachers* There's only a couple left. I got 'em. *gets 'em*

You: ...Is it safe?

Me: *stands up and looks around* Looks like it. They're all down.

You: *crawls out from under table* Holy... it's a freakin slaughterhouse.

Me: *beams* Right?? *holds up hand for highfive*

You: *doesn't highfive* Mols... what just happened? We just....

VO Kamren: *pukes a little in his mouth at all the carnage*

Me: *shrug* It's Friday the 13th.

You: ...??

VO Kamren: ...*hurks some more*

Me: I figured SOMETHING weird would happen, so I came prepared.

You: How the heck do you prepare for some random thing that might happen??

Me: ...*gestures at guns and the sweet tactical get-up*

You: ...*headshake*

VO Kamren: *drops to his knees to hurk some more* ...Waitaminute. That's not... *squints and bends closer to a body* Mols?

Me: Yeah?

VO Kamren: ...This isn't blood.

Me: Of course not. It's paint. What, do you think I'm a monster?

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Me: *eyeroll* It's Friday the 13th. They'll be back to normal tomorrow. I'm not gonna kill our whole audience just because they caught a 24-hour brain-eating flu. Sheesh, guys.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Me: ...What??

You: ...You gave us PAINTBALL GUNS?? Against a legion of the undead??

VO Kamren: *pukes for a different reason*

Me: Well, I made the paintballs myself. I mixed in a sturdy tranquilizer. That's why I said to aim for the head. It's a contact tranq, so it had to actually touch skin to work.

You: *facepalms repeatedly* And you made the freakin paint RED??

Me: Well, yeah.

You: ...RED???

Me: *grin* Looked AWESOME, didn't it?

VO Kamren: *pukes again*

You: So lemme get this straight. You brought a freakin tactical uniform and a bunch of paintball guns with custom made paintballs because you knew it was Friday the 13th but didn't know exactly what would happen?

Me: Pretty much. I figured contact tranqs covered an awful lot of bases.

You: ...I'm... I'm going home now.

VO Kamren: *wobbles to his feet* Me, too.

Me: Aw, c'mon! This is the best part!!

You: LEAVING NOW.

VO Kamren: I think I vomited up my spleen.

Me: But we gotta take pictures!!

You: *out the door*

VO Kamren: *headed for the bathroom*

Audience: *out cold*

Me: ...Well, how d'ya like that??

Lights: *flash in sympathy*

Me: Right?? See if I protect them from a legion of temporarily undead ever again.

Camera: *whirrs in agreement*

Me: *looks around at the carnage* I'm not cleaning this up.

Lights: *flash in agreement*

-FADE OUT-


	14. Episode 14

VO Kamren: *huddles behind podium* Is it safe to come out?

You: *eyeroll* If you mean "is the audience dezombified", yes.

Audience: *red-faced, literally* We have the feeling we missed something important.

Me: Nah. Just another day.

Audience: *narrows eyes*

VO Kamren: *stands up straight* Okay, then. I guess it's safe to welcome you back to The Show.

You: Somebody shoulda brought Wet Wipes.

Me: Way ahead of you. *whips them out*

You: Nicely done.

Audience: ...Still not sure why we look like someone shot us all in the head. And that one guy in the chest.

VO Kamren: *blushes and mutters*

You: Well, if you'd caught up on YouTube like you were supposed to over the weekend, you wouldn't have to ask.

Audience: We're not sure we want to know.

Me: *tosses Wet Wipes at them* It's hard to take you seriously when you look like a Jackson Pollock study in red.

Audience: *grumbles and starts wiping*

You: ANYWAY. So... topic?

VO Kamren: I was thinking we could talk about--

Me: Guess what!

VO Kamren: ...*sigh*

You: What?

Me: Joker Blitz... has arrived.

You: Really? How'd you manage that?

VO Kamren: And what's Joker Blitz?

Me: *preens* Joker Blitz is my jaeger. And it is glorious.

VO Kamren: ...?

Audience: ...?

You: *headshake* She finally got an elliptical.

VO Kamren: Oooooooh.

Me: If you want the absolutely-no-fun description, fine. Yeah. It's an elliptical. But as far as I'm concerned, I'm takin a stroll in my shiny new jaeger, lookin for some kaiju ass to kick.

You: *eyeroll* So you like it?

Me: Yup. I had the devil of a time finding an affordable one locally, so I ended up ordering on-line, which is kind of a crapshoot, but it seems to have worked out well. Right now, it's really only kicking MY ass, but that's what it's supposed to do, right?

You: Basically, yeah. Well, good luck with it.

VO Kamren: ...Not sure I should ask this--

You: Which is usually a sign that you shouldn't.

Audience: Fiddly, dude.

VO Kamren: ...Um... hm.

Me: Oh, Annabelle.

You: Right? Curiosity will be the death of him one of these days.

Me: And now I'm picturing the Mars Rover falling out of the sky and crushing him.

You: ...

Audience: ...*wibbles more*

VO Kamren: ...Just for that, I'm asking. Why did you want an elliptical, anyway?

You: ...Oh, dear.

Me: Naw, that one's okay. It's just... most of my hobbies are sit-down hobbies, ya know? Writing, reading, computer games, movies, crochet, doodling, etc. Plus, I work in an office, which is a sit-down job. That's a lot of sitting. I need something that's not sitting, but that I'll actually DO. Which is why it's not an elliptical. It's my jaeger, Joker Blitz.

You: Makes sense.

Audience: ...Actually, it does. Demon woman and your demon logic!

VO Kamren: I'm just glad I didn't ask something horrifically insensitive and get thwapped for it.

Me: Yet.

VO Kamren: ...Right. Yet.

You: Should we probably quit while Annabelle's ahead?

Me: Sounds legit.

Audience: We're in.

VO Kamren: Wait... what about Lori?

You: *narrows eyes* What about me?

Me: Tread carefully, dude.

Audience: *shifts like cattle before a storm*

VO Kamren: I just mean... uh....

You: Lemme save you from yourself, there, wombat. I prefer a treadmill to an elliptical because I dunno how anyone can balance on those stupid pedals, but lately, I've been going to the batting cages.

VO Kamren: Really? I thought you kinda hated baseball?

You: Not hate, really. I just don't care. But I like socking the ball as hard as I can. Fiddly a good stress reliever.

Me: I can dig that. And you don't hate the sun as much as I do, so you're probably glad it's warming up and getting all Spring-ish out there.

You: Fiddly.

Me: I probably shouldn't tell you it's supposed to rain most of the week, huh?

You: Ugh. It's gonna be all British outside.

Me: *happy sigh* Right? I can't wait.

You: Something SO WRONG with you.

VO Kamren: Gotta agree with Lori there, Mols.

Me: Hey, I'll be inside, fighting the hurricane in my badass jaeger.

You: *eyeroll*

VO Kamren: *headshake*

Audience: *fidgets and finishes de-redding*

VO Kamren: So... done?

You: Yeah. Wait, no. So you've named your elliptical, right?

Me: Yup. I think it's a pretty sweet jaeger name, actually. Right up there with Striker Eureka and Gipsy Danger.

VO Kamren: I watched that movie and I don't remember either of those names.

Me: Shocking. This is my shocked face.

VO Kamren: ...You're being facetious, aren't you?

Me: FIDDLY.

You: So... did you make up a decal and everything?

Me: ...

Audience: *leans forward*

You: Mooooollllllsssss?

Me: ...What.

You: You did, didn't you? I knew it! What is it, a playing card with a lightning bolt down the middle? An evil clown getting struck by lightning?

Me: Shoosh! I didn't make a decal, okay? I just... kinda doodled something out. Just a rough sketch. It's not like I actually sent it out to be turned into a sticker or anything.

You: Ha! Fiddly knew it! Can I see it?

Me: No. It's in my sketchbook at home.

You: Aw, c'mon! I wanna see!

VO Kamren: Honestly, I kinda do, too. The only sketches of yours I've ever seen were of that Kathooloo dude.

Me: Ugh. Cthulhu. Get it right.

VO Kamren: ...Didn't I?

Audience: We can live without seeing anything that mind brought into being.

Me: ...Thanks?

VO Kamren: Iiiiiii think that's probably enough for the day. Let's go before Mols starts... retaliating.

Audience: *trembles*

You: Whatever. Buncha wusses.

Me: *grumbles and kicks a rock*

You: *pats Me* It's okay, Mols. Just go home and hop in your jaeger and stomp 'em when they scatter like cockroaches when the lights come on.

Me: *perks up*

Audience: *whimpers*

VO Kamren: That's all for today! Join us next time, where we definitely won't talk about stepping on the audience!

Me: Says you.

Audience: *whimpers*

VO Kamren: We're done! Geez, fade out already!

Me: WAIT!

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...*still whimpering*

Me: Last episode was Season 3, Episode 13, right?

VO Kamren: I think I mentioned that at the time, yeah.

Me: That makes this episode Season 3, Episode 14.

You: Your point being?

Me: WE DIDN'T MAKE ANY PI JOKES.

You: ...?

VO Kamren: ...?

Audience: ...?

Me: Ugh! 3.1415926535, etc.? Pi! How did we have a pi episode where I didn't make stupid pi puns? What kind of nerd am I??

You: You look really, really ashamed of yourself.

Me: I AM!

VO Kamren: Okay, so make a quick pi joke and we're out.

Me: That's cheating. It has to be a GOOD pi joke. Something Neil deGrasse Tyson would be proud of.

You: ...Huh.

Me: What?

You: I was just thinking that the audience kinda looked like they lost a pi-eating contest earlier.

Me: ...Heh. Heheh. A CHERRY pi-eating contest. Heheh, lost it with EXTREME PREJUDICE.

Audience: ...Hey.

VO Kamren: Is there a way to make a pi joke about headshots?

Audience: Hey!

Me: I think we just did, Annabelle. I think we just did.

Audience: *mutters and whips out more Wet Wipes, just in case*

VO Kamren: ...I'm not sure what just happened, but let's go. Just in case.

Me: Seriously. I have to think of something better. If only I'd hired a skywriter!

VO Kamren: ...?

You: *rubs bridge of nose* Pi in the sky, wombat.

VO Kamren: *facepalm*

Lights: *dim*

Me: Oh, fine. The ONE TIME--

You: *muzzles Me* Nothing to see here, folks. Just move along.

-FADE OUT-


	15. Episode 15

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome to a very green St. Patrick's Day episode of The Show!

You: ...Whoa. The audience is....

Audience: *greenly resplendent*

Me: Talk about the Green Monster.

VO Kamren: ...I thought you hated baseball?

Me: Doesn't mean I don't know anything about it.

You: Fiddly.

VO Kamren: *facepalm* Okay, so Lori goes to the batting cages and Mols knows the lingo and landmarks... but neither of you like baseball?

Me: Sounds legit.

You: *nods*

Audience: ...Boooo. Get naked!

You: *headshake* I did not miss that.

Me: *sigh* Why did I want them back again?

You: I never once knew the answer to that.

VO Kamren: ANYWAY.

You: Ugh. What do you want?

VO Kamren: We need to do a topic. We didn't get around to one yesterday, and we were too busy shooting the audience to do one Friday.

Me: Yeah. Good times, good times.

Audience: *trembles*

VO Kamren: So we're gonna do a topic this time. How about--

Me: Oh! I forgot!

VO Kamren: Hey! I was talking!

You: When has that ever stopped us?

VO Kamren: ...*sigh* Yeah. Go on.

Me: Sorry, wombat. I was just gonna say that I brought us all a little St. Paddy's Day treat. *pours*

You: ...Green beer. Really.

Audience: Is there enough for all of us?

Me: You remember the part where we don't get paid for this, right?

Audience: ...Shucks.

VO Kamren: ...Um... they can have mine? I don't really drink.

You: *sips* Ugh. Beer. *sips more*

Me: *takes a proper drink* NOW it's St. Paddy's Day. And Kamren Annabelle, you have to drink at least one. It's the spirit of the thing.

VO Kamren: *fidgets* I don't really like beer.

You: *sips* Have you ever had one?

VO Kamren: ...

Me: That's a no. Just drink it, wombat. It won't bite.

Audience: ...Seriously. We'd drink his for him.

Me: NO. These are for us.

You: You do have a whole six-pack.

Me: Yeah. We were all supposed to have two, but since it's gonna take a miracle to get ONE down little Annabelle over there, I'll take the other one. Unless you want it?

You: No thanks.

Me: Thought not. *slugs back one and pours another* Seriously, wombat. At least try it. I chilled the mugs and everything.

Audience: We're jealous.

You: *snerk* You mean "green with envy"?

Me: Oh, nice one! *holds up mug*

You: *clunks mugs together* I try. *takes a proper drink* Also, you have a mustache. A green one.

Me: Heheheh. *doesn't wipe it* Wombat?

VO Kamren: Um... okay. *sniffs it* It smells weird.

You: It smells fine.

Me: It smells like beer. Just drink it.

Audience: *salivates*

VO Kamren: *hesitantly sips* It tastes weird.

You: *eyerolls and finishes one*

Me: *finishes one and pours out the last two* So sheltered, right??

You: *takes her last one* Fiddly sheltered.

VO Kamren: *takes another sip* I guess it's an acquired taste?

You: Yes.

Me: For some people. I had my first beer at nineteen and liked it right from the start.

You: Okay, it's an acquired taste for NORMAL people.

Me: ...Granted.

VO Kamren: *takes another sip* So how long does it take to acquire the taste?

You: More than one beer, wombat. Drink up. Just get it over with. *sips*

VO Kamren: *plugs nose and chugs*

You: Oh. My.

Me: That's gonna come back to haunt him.

Audience: This should be fun.

Me: I hate to agree with them after the whole "get naked" thing, but... yeah.

VO Kamren: Don't think I'm gonna acquire that taste.

You: Hey, at least you tried it, right? Now you can honestly say you don't like beer.

Me: He's looking a bit green about the gills.

You: Heh. Nice one, Mols.

Me: ...

You: Oh, snap. He is. You gonna upchuck, Annabelle?

VO Kamren: *slurry* Maybe. S'you guys gonna do a topic? Wait. Wha'dya use for the green?

You: *looks at Me*

Me: *looks at You*

Us: *smiiiiiiiiile*

Me: Leprechaun blood.

Audience: *snickers*

VO Kamren: *blinks blearily* ...Do what now?

Me: I sacrificed a leprechaun and added three drops of its blood to each beer.

VO Kamren: ...Nuh-uh.

You: And since you only had three drops instead of the six drops you were supposed to get, you're gonna shrink down to leprechaun size.

VO Kamren: ...Nope.

Me: Fiddly. Luckily, I've had enough leprechaun blood over the years to be immune, and Lori's just finishing up her second beer, there, but you? You're just shit outta luck.

You: Ha! Shoulda been after his lucky charms!

Me: Nice! *clunks mugs together again*

VO Kamren: ...Y'guys're lyin. I c'n tell.

You: Is he already a good three inches shorter?

Audience: Five, at least.

Me: Whoops, make it six. He just lost another.

VO Kamren: *looks down at the floor* ...Holy crap. The floor is closer.

You: *doesn't point out that he bent over to look* That's what happens when you shrink, wombat. Sorry, dude.

VO Kamren: I need another beer!

Me: *knocks back the last of the last one* Sorry, kiddo. That's the last of it.

Audience: We are SO glad we didn't volunteer to drink his extra one for him.

You: Right?

VO Kamren: *cries* What am I gonna do?? None of my clothes will fit now!

Me: Don't worry, wombat. It only lasts until next St. Paddy's Day.

You: *snickers*

Audience: *snickers*

VO Kamren: Noooooooooo! I wanted to get laid this year!

Me: *falls over laughing*

You: *falls over laughing*

Audience: *falls over laughing*

VO Kamren: I'm never drinking beer again! I need another one right now!

Everyone else: *gasping for air on the floor*

VO Kamren: I gotta go find a leprechaun and drink its blood. *stumbles out the door*

Me: *still laughing* Oh, man, I've created a monster!

You: *gasp-laughing* God, I hope he doesn't come across anyone in costume!

Audience: *stumbles to their feet* We'll follow him. Heheh. Make sure he doesn't do anything stupid.

Me: *winds down to chuckles* Thanks, guys.

You: *sits up and swipes at eyes* Just one thing, though: keep your hands to yourselves.

Audience: *sheepish* C'mon. We wouldn't take advantage.

You: *narrows eyes* Don't make me set Mols loose on you.

Me: *stops laughing entirely to narrow eyes*

Audience: *yipes* We'll be good!

You: Think we can trust them?

Me: Considering they like their junk right where it is, I think we can trust them.

Audience: *pales and leaves to follow Kamren*

You: God, that was great.

Me: Right? Who knew he'd get drunk off one beer?

You: Well, he did chug it.

Me: Heheheh. So... who gets to explain food coloring to him when he sobers up?

You: ...What say we just... don't?

Me: *snerrrrrk* Oh, Lori.

You: *highfives* Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Me: Amen, sister. Amen.

-FADE OUT-


	16. Episode 16

VO Kamren: *whispers* Hey. Welcome back. Show.

Me: Uh... Kamren?

VO Kamren: *winces* Yeah?

You: Ah. Hangover. Except... really? From just one beer?

Audience: Uh... *raises hands*... kind of our fault.

You: Why am I not surprised?

Me: You said you were gonna take care of him and not take advantage!

VO Kamren: *cringes* Loud.

Me: Sorry. *glares at audience*

Audience: We didn't take advantage! He was running all over the place, yelling about finding a leprechaun to slaughter! What were we supposed to do?

You: What DID you do?

Audience: *kicks a rock* Told him that any green beer would undo the effects.

Me: *narrows eyes* So you...?

Audience: *kicks another rock* Took him to a bar.

You: ...Where you...?

Audience: *clears throats* Opened a tab?

VO Kamren: *leans head on the podium and wraps arms around it, whimpering*

You: ...Oh.

Me: Damn.

Audience: He only had three.

You: *raises eyebrows*

Me: *raises one eyebrow*

Audience: We told him one would do the trick, but he said he was thirsty, so he wanted another one, but then he had to have another one to keep the number even so he wouldn't shrink again.

You: ...But he had three--

Audience: Plus the one here.

Me: ...Oh. Forgot about that one.

You: *headshake* Four beers, and he's hung over.

Audience: *shrug* He's new?

VO Kamren: *whimpers* Not new. Just... no more beer.

Me: Poor wombat. Did you eat something? Sometimes, that helps. And drink lots of water.

VO Kamren: *huddles under arms*

You: *headshake*

Audience: We tried to give him a bottle of water, but he got this weird idea that he'd be drinking his memories, so he wouldn't do it.

Us: ...

VO Kamren: *muffled whimpering*

Me: Lemme see that bottle.

Audience: *shrugs and hands it over*

Me: *eyes the label* Ah.

You: What?

Me: "Fresh spring water from secret ancient mountain aquifers."

You: Oh. Gotcha.

Audience: ...Uh...?

You: *eyeroll* WATCH THE VIDEOS, ALREADY.

Me: *sigh* One of the quest things was looking into an ancient well under a mountain and facing up to the darkest parts of yourself.

VO Kamren: *muffled* I was afraid I'd choke on the Chaos Token.

Audience: ...Is that a euphamism?

You: *coughs*

Me: *snickers* No, but it really, really should be.

VO Kamren: *whimpers*

You: ANYWAY... since Annabelle's clearly out of commission today, what say we talk about one of my favorite things for once?

Me: ...For once?

You: We always end up talking about your nerd stuff.

Me: *wibbles* Not my fault! It just goes that way! And we talk about Nate all the time!

Audience: But never about sex.

You: DON'T EVEN START.

Audience: *grumbles and kicks a rock*

Me: *pouts* Fine. What do you wanna talk about?

You: *gets all excited* SPRING.

VO Kamren: *cringes and hugs head tighter* Loud!

You: Oh, whatever, ya lush.

Me: Ugh. Spring? Really? Haven't we already talked about Spring?

You: Irrelevant. It's finally officially calendar-Spring, and I wanna talk about blooming flowers and fresh new leaves on the trees and warmer temperatures and the sun!

Me: And the godawful humidity? And the three straight months of storms and tornado warnings? And the mud? And the damn birds that won't shut up already while I'm trying to sleep in in the morning?

You: YOU TAKE THAT BACK.

Me: No. I hate morning birds. I'll twitterpate the HELL out of them.

VO Kamren: *huddles more*

Me: Sorry. I just have very strong feelings about things that interrupt what little sleep I get.

Audience: Bow chicka bow wow?

You: Hey!

Me: No, that one's okay. THAT sleep interruption is an exception. Usually.

Audience: Nice!

Me: *highfives*

You: UGH! You're ruining my Spring excitement!

Me: *sigh* Sorry. Go ahead. Gush in pastels.

You: I WILL.

Me: *settles back to suffer it out*

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: ...

VO Kamren: ...*peers out from under his arms*...

Me: ...Well?

You: ...Uh... actually... that's kinda all I wanted to say. It's warming up and the sun's out. Finally.

Me: ...

You: ...Woo-hoo?

Audience: Will you be doing episodes in a bikini?

You: What?? No!! *peppersprays them*

Audience: *cries* Why??

Me: Betcha didn't forget that.

Audience: *weeps* WE WILL NEVER FORGET.

VO Kamren: *hides under arms*

Me: So... if that's all you needed to say about Spring--

You: Wait! Peeps!

Me: Ugh! Those annoying little frogs that make that really freaking annoying and piercing cheeping sound all freakin night long??

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: ...

You: ...No. Those are spring peepers. I'm talking about Peeps.

VO Kamren: ...*whispers* The little marshmallow bird things?

You: Yes! I loooooove those things!

Me: Oh, nasty! They're so... so... ugh!

You: What? They're marshmallow. They're DIVINE.

Me: They're WEIRD.

VO Kamren: *unhuddles a bit* They are kinda weird, Lori. They're like... plasticky, somehow.

Me: And they have that weird, gritty coating on them.

You: It's sugar!

Me: And the cardinal sin -- they're PASTEL.

You: Ugh! There's nothing wrong with pastels!

Me: Pastels are weak. I want bold colors, like the blood of my enemies and the darkness of their souls!

VO Kamren: *yipes and huddles again*

Audience: *yipes and huddles together*

You: Drama queen.

Me: You're the one rhapsodizing over Spring and pastels. And freakin Peeps.

You: THEY'RE DELICIOUS AND I WILL HEAR NO ARGUMENT.

Me: ...They ARE pretty good for launching at your enemies.

You: That's wasting them!

Me: Oh! And they do weird things when you put them in the microwave!

You: We are not putting Peeps in the microwave!

Audience: Awwwwwwww.

Me: See? Everyone wants to nuke some Peeps.

VO Kamren: ...That sounded really, really wrong.

Me: You're thinking of "cook some fools".

VO Kamren: ...There's a difference?

Audience: Not to her.

Me: Hey!

VO Kamren: Heh, nice. Ow. *huddles*

You: You guys all suck. Spring is wonderful. Peeps are wonderful. End of story.

Me: Does that mean we can be done with this episode?

VO Kamren: *whimpers* Yes. Please.

Audience: *shrug* We're good. Especially if there will be no bikinis.

You: Hate you. Hate you all.

Me: And now, the episode is truly complete! Lights?

Lights: *dim*

Me: Catch ya next time, peeps!

You: HATE YOU!

Me: Heheheh.

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just FYI - Peeps are the devil. They are, however, AWESOME to nuke.


	17. Episode 17

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

You: Well, you seem in better spirits.

Me: ...Is that maybe insensitive to our studio ghosts?

Lights: *flicker*

Camera: *grinds awkwardly*

You: *eyeroll* Oh, sorry. I mean, "you seem a bit less hungover".

Lights: *glow steadily*

Camera: *purrs like a fat kitten*

Me: Didn't you take the cultural diversity training yet?

You: Ugh. Ours is in October, not March. And I'm not sure "being dead" counts as cultural diversity.

Me: The audience would disagree. They were dead for a whole day and just wanted their dignity.

Audience: *grumbles* Which is why you shot us all with red paint tranquilizer and left us sprawled all over the floor overnight?

Me: Coulda killed ya for real.

Audience: ...Point taken. Carry on.

Me: It's all about sensitivity.

You: ...I'd comment on "not murderizing someone" not being quite the same thing as sensitivity to cultural diversity, but I have no doubt you'd talk your way around it.

Me: I think of it as "tactical flexibility".

You: I think of it as bullshit, but hey. It takes all kinds.

Me: See? There ya go, appreciating cultural diversity!

You: I'm a fast learner.

Audience: You guys should start appreciating nudist colony diversity.

Me: Not even the slightest chance of that happening. We can appreciate diversity without having to be part of it.

You: Otherwise, we'd BE the diversity instead of appropriately appreciating it.

Me: Wow. You ARE a fast learner. *highfives*

You: I have an excellent bullshit teacher.

VO Kamren: Ahem?

You: Ugh, what?

VO Kamren: Just... we have a show to do?

Me: Isn't that what we're doing?

VO Kamren: I guess... is cultural diversity our topic today?

You: Hey guys!

VO Kamren: *sigh* That's a no.

Audience: *snickers* You'd think he'd be used to it.

Me: Right??

You: Nate was on The Voice last night! Eeeeee!

Me: Nice! Did he sing anything?

You: Honestly, I don't remember. His hair was glorious, and his eyes were just... oh... and that dimple!

Me: I feel ya on that last one. Dimples are just... *sigh*

You: Right?? God, it was glorious.

Audience: We're starting to agree with Annabelle. This topic sucks.

VO Kamren: Ugh. YOU don't get to call me that.

Audience: ...For some reason, the name "Pornabelle" is ringing a--

VO Kamren: Annabelle is fine.

Me: ANYWAY, if I remember right, you had a concern that Nate's eyebrows were gonna distract you for some reason.

You: *dreamy sigh* They didn't. I was too busy appreciating the whole package to focus on one trivial detail.

VO Kamren: So... is THAT our topic?

Me: And what topic would that be?

You: *dreamy sigh* Nate's eyebrows? That's the best topic ever.

Audience: *grumbles like cranky bears*

VO Kamren: I was thinking maybe--

You: So NEITHER of you watched? I sent out a text and everything.

VO Kamren: *sigh* Never mind.

Me: Sorry, wombat. We'll do a real topic next time.

VO Kamren: Sure we will.

Audience: *snorts*

You: Seriously, though. You guys didn't watch?

VO Kamren: I had... things to do.

You: *narrows eyes* ...Things.

Me: *narrows eyes* Did he do the shifty eye thing?

You: Yes. Yes, he did.

VO Kamren: What?

You: What "things" did you have to do, wombat?

Audience: *leans forward*

VO Kamren: Like... stuff.

Me: ...Stuff.

You: ...And things.

VO Kamren: Yes. Stuff and things.

Audience: Do we need to do an intervention, Annabelle?

VO Kamren: What? No! I was just doing stuff around the house!

You: Yeah, but you live in a house with a torture dungeon basement.

VO Kamren: I do not!

Me: *whips out phone* I'ma call your mom and figure out what's going on.

You: Right? He's probably watching My Little Pony or something freakish like that. Kids get into all sorts of crazy shit these days.

Me: Oh, my God. Kamren, are you a brony?? You can tell us. We won't judge you. We'll just get you the help you need.

You: Come back to us! Come back to the realm of the non-brony!

VO Kamren: I am not a brony! I don't even know what that is!!

Audience: *raises hands*

Me: Don't. Even.

Audience: *lowers hands*

VO Kamren: Okay, so what were YOU doing last night, Mols? You didn't watch Nate, either.

You: *eyes Me* Yeah. What were YOU doing?

Me: Playing a new fantasy game.

You: *narrows eyes* You don't have a console.

Me: So?

You: So I notice you didn't say "playing a new fantasy game _on my computer_ ".

Me: ...So?

Audience: *leans forward*

VO Kamren: *leans forward*

You: So where were you playing a new fantasy not-computer game?

Me: Remember the twitchy eye guy?

You: *frowns* The one that threw you halfway across the room--

Me: I said I was faking!

You: --after you pulled the whole name-rank-serial thing on him and his partner?

Me: Yeah, but seriously, I was faking. They really did just let go, ya know.

You: But that's the one you're talking about?

Audience: We have no idea what you're talking about.

VO Kamren: Oh! Hey, that was when you snuck back into the exec's office to figure out how to fix the audience, right?

Audience: ...Have we been neutered?? Wouldn't we know???

You: Oh, calm down. Mols, answer the question.

Me: What question was that, again?

You: MOLS!

Me: Okay, okay. Turns out the twitchy eye guy has a pretty sweet gaming set-up in his office, so when he got the newest game in, he asked if I wanted to give it a go. We played until 2 o'clock this morning.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: ...

You: Mols.

Me: Yeah?

You: ...Are you dating the twitchy eye--

Me: What? No!

VO Kamren: But you spent all evening engaged in a common interest together.

Me: We were GAMING.

You: Which apparently is a common interest.

Audience: Kinda sounds like a date, demon witch woman.

Me: Clearly, you guys don't understand gaming.

You: *sigh* Here it comes.

Me: Ugh! You guys are sullying something pure and innocent and full of joy with your awful date-mongering! We were just playing a kickass new fantasy game where I got to be a mutant orc shaman who single-handedly brought down an entire army of undead lion bears!

VO Kamren: ...Should all those words go together?

You: *yawn*

Audience: Did she just use the word "date-mongering"?

You: She also said bringing down an army of undead lion bears was pure and innocent and full of joy.

Audience: ...Right.

Me: *huffs and crosses arms*

You: So you're not dating the twitchy eye guy.

Me: NO. He just saw how quick I beat the Chaos Token level and thought I'd get a kick out of Horde Mentality.

VO Kamren: I guess... that's good?

Me: Fiddly.

You: Whatever. Fine. Sure. Just... Nate's gonna be on The Voice again tonight, so you both have another chance to--

VO Kamren: *gets all shifty-eyed*

Me: *fiddles with phone*

You: ...REALLY?? You're BOTH busy again tonight??

VO Kamren: I'm working on a project!

Me: Our guild goes up against the first big boss tonight! You want me to miss out on blitzing a demon-possessed cougar spider that shoots radioactive lightning webbing??

VO Kamren: Seriously. Those words shouldn't be in a row.

Audience: AGREED. *shudders*

You: You guys suck so bad!!

Audience: And not in the good way.

VO Kamren: Sorry, Lori.

Me: *shrug* Sorry?

Audience: We'll watch for you.

You: *huffs* Whatever. You guys all suck.

Me: Sheesh.

VO Kamren: *shifts awkwardly*

Lights: *dim awkwardly*

Camera: *burbles awkwardly*

You: Ugh. Let's just go. I'm done with you guys today.

VO Kamren: So... until next time?

You: Whatever.

-FADE OUT-


	18. Episode 18

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

You: 'Sup.

Me: 'Sup.

Audience: This show sucks already.

You: Uh... it hasn't even started yet.

Audience: And already, no one's naked.

You: *eyeroll* Mols, can you talk to your twitchy boyfriend and get them wiped again?

Me: He's neither twitchy nor my boyfriend. And no. I went through too much to get them back.

Audience: Who would date the Evil One??

Me: *narrows eyes* Although I'm sorely tempted.

Audience: What? Not like you wanna date, anyway.

Me: There's a difference between not wanting to date and being undatable, jerks.

Audience: ...Whatever.

VO Kamren: Ahem.

You: Right, right. Topic. Hit us with it, Annabelle.

Me: *snickers*

VO Kamren: Hey!

Me: *looks up from phone* What?

VO Kamren: I haven't even said the topic yet, and you're already snickering!

Me: What? Oh! No, I just got a text from my sister. Apparently, my eldest niece is losing her shit because one of the One Dimension guys is leaving the group.

You: Uh-oh. I think I just heard an entire generation of preteen girls shriek out in existential agony.

Me: Right??

Audience: *twitches* It's One Direction, not One Dimension.

Me: ...So?

Audience: *twitches more* For no reason at all... which one?

You: ...

Me: ...

VO Kamren: *raises hand* Um, question: what is One Direction?

Audience: Seriously, which one's leaving?

You: A lame boy band that pretty much every girl--

Me: And some guys.

You: Okay, yes. That every girl and some guys between ages 11 and 16 are insanely into. And, apparently, our audience.

Audience: We don't like One Direction! We're just curious!

Me: Suuuuuuure.

VO Kamren: *thoughtful* Sooo... it's kinda like The Beatles, right?

You: *goes dangerously still* One Dimension is NOTHING like The Beatles.

Me: *makes frantic "cut" gestures at Kamren*

VO Kamren: Um...

Audience: Abort! Abort!

VO Kamren: I mean... I just meant--

You: NOTHING LIKE THE BEATLES.

Me: *frantically whispers* Kamren, quit while you're ahead! She's a huge Beatles fan! It's like if you told me Rob was on par with... I dunno... Opie or something.

VO Kamren: *pales* Never mind. I said nothing.

Audience: We heard nothing.

Me: *covers eyes* I see nothing.

You: ...*pipes down* Whatever. One Destruction sucks.

Audience: Stop that! It's--

Me: I think we can all agree they suck. Though, now that I think about it, I've never actually heard them.

VO Kamren: Me, neither.

Audience: ...

Us: *eyes them*

Audience: Uh, yeah. We haven't, either.

You: *eyeroll*

Me: But I can kinda see where all these little girls are coming from.

You: Wait, you what now?

VO Kamren: Mols? Are you sick?

Audience: ...We're listening.

Me: *eyeroll* I'm not saying they're not freaking out over nothing or that their reaction isn't overblown and silly. I'm just saying that it's understandable to be at least a little upset when your favorite group dynamic changes. Like how the Beatles fangirls would have felt if John or Paul or George had left the Beatles at the height of their fame.

VO Kamren: What about Ringo?

You: Nobody likes Ringo.

Audience: Ouch.

VO Kamren: ...?

Me: C'mon, guys. Even Rob was just tweeting about how upset he was that his favorite guy from Top Gear got axed over a fight.

You: The heck is Top Gear?

Me: *shrug* I dunno. They fix cars? Or refurbish them?

You: Boring.

Audience: *yawns*

Me: *shrugs again* I've never seen it. I just know Rob wasn't pleased. Everyone has their comfort dynamic, and when that changes, it kinda sucks. Not like "I'm going to kill myself because my world is now over!" sucks, like these girls are saying about One Dyspepsia, but still.

Audience: Hey!

You: I get that. I mean, I'd have been upset back in the day if Joey had left NKOTB, but--

VO Kamren: *raises hand* Question: NKOTB?

Audience: Dude. New Kids On The Block. Keep up.

VO Kamren: ...Oh.

You: ANYWAY. I'd have been upset, but not suicidal. I mean, Nate just separated from Fun. to do a solo album, and you don't see me crying about it.

Me: You're a relatively well-adjusted adult. These are selfie-generation hormonal teenage girls.

You: ...Granted.

Me: Plus, I get the feeling you always liked Nate more than Fun. as a whole.

You: ...No comment.

VO Kamren: So... does that count as a topic? Did we do our thing for the day?

You: *shrug* Works for me. Kinda want to hear Nate sing Beatles songs now, though.

Me: He did a good job with Rocketman, anyway.

You: *brightens* You watched The Voice!

Me: Well, I came in late, but I did get to see that part.

You: BGFF!! *highfives*

Me: BGFF!! *highfives*

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: Dude, you didn't watch?

VO Kamren: I was doing stuff and things!

Me: *snerk* He was probably writing One Dystopia fanfiction.

You: *gasps* Annabelle! Are you the Special Fan??

VO Kamren: ...?

Me: You know. The one that gets the band's attention and ends up living happily ever after with one of them?

Audience: Because you're so special and interesting that if they just talked to you for five minutes, they'd know you were the only one for them?

You: ...Okay, do YOU write One Dimension fanfiction?

Audience: ...No. And it's One Dir--

You: *narrows eyes* Do you READ One Dimension fanfiction?

Audience: ...We're getting off the subject.

Me: Okay, this conversation took a screaming right turn into disturbing and vaguely terrifying. Let's... do something else.

You: Yeah. I don't want to think about them writing One Dyslexia fanfiction.

Audience: Seriously, it's One Dir--

VO Kamren: *raises hand* Question: what's fanfiction?

You: Not the time, Annabelle!

Me: Do you think they write fanfiction about... *gestures at all three of us*

Audience: *twitches*

You: OH MY GOD THEY DO.

VO Kamren: I don't even know what it is and I already feel violated.

Me: That's it. I'm freakin done for the day. The last thing I want to find out is who they 'ship.

You: Fiddly.

VO Kamren: *raises hand* Question--

Me: DO NOT ASK THE QUESTION.

VO Kamren: ...I feel like I need a shower. With bleach. I feel dirty, and I don't even know why.

Me: Me, too.

You: Count me in.

Audience: *whispers* We dreamed about this.

All of Us: OH MY GOD NOT TOGETHER NO NO NO NONONO!! *runs away*

Audience: ...This is so going up on the fansite.

Lights: *abruptly go out*

Audience: *scream like little girls and run away*

-FADE OUT-


	19. Episode 19

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

You: Ugh. It's Monday. Why are you so excited?

Me: *yawn*

Audience: *shuffles restlessly*

VO Kamren: Because... um.... Huh.

You: Exactly.

VO Kamren: ...I guess... I'm just supposed to be excited?

Me: *shrug* One of us has to be.

You: Whatever. I want a nap.

Me: You and me both.

Audience: Together?

Us: WE WILL HURT YOU.

Audience: Shucks.

You: Ugh. Soooooo skeevy.

Me: Fiddly. Is it just me, or are they worse than before?

VO Kamren: I think it's just because they'd made such progress last season that it seems worse than it really is.

Audience: *sings* In just seven days... we can make you... a maaaaa-haa-haa-haa-haaaaan!

VO Kamren: ...I lied. They're worse. SO MUCH WORSE.

You: So on a less skeevy and awful subject, Nate was on the IHeart Radio Music Awards last night. He was glorious.

Me: Wow. He's really getting around these days.

You: Right? I love it! And his new album should be out this summer!

VO Kamren: Whoa, I thought it already came out?

You: That was the single. The whole album is still yet to be released. I can't wait!

Audience: Ugh. That guy again? Can't you guys talk about something else?

You: No.

Me: *raises hand* Rob was a riot on Twitter this weekend.

Audience: UGH.

You: *points at them and laughs, Simpsons style* Ha ha!

Me: He got to bantering about losing weight with Jones, and--

VO Kamren: Who now?

Me: Oh, right. The director of the Warcraft movie that's coming out next year. They seem to have really hit it off and tweet back and forth all the time.

VO Kamren: Good for him.

You: *yawn*

Me: ANYWAY, so he made a joke about being able to help Jones lose 15 pounds by ComicCon, and after a few back-n-forths, he said he'd help train so they'd both look like this picture of The Fabulous Ones he dug up God only knows where. *chuckles* God, he's such a perfect dork.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: *finishes chuckling* ...What?

You: The who now?

Me: The Fabulous Ones.

You: ...?

VO Kamren: ...?

Audience: *is bored*

Me: From wrestling?

You: *yawns*

VO Kamren: *fidgets*

Audience: *dozes off*

Me: Ugh! I mentioned Rob likes wrestling, too, right?

You: If you did, I immediately forgot it and didn't care.

VO Kamren: ...Too?

Me: Ugh! You guys are killing me! Wrestling is awesome, and Rob is awesome both for liking it and for having the perfect ridiculous picture ready to go at a moment's notice. With mullets and mankinis.

VO Kamren: ...I hate to ask, but--

You: DON'T ASK.

Audience: Fiddly, dude. It never works out for you.

VO Kamren: ...Ya know? This time, I'm gonna take your advice and not ask.

You: Why are you so defensive about wrestling anyway, Mols?

Me: Because the first thing anyone says when I say I like pro wrestling is "it's not a real sport", and that is sooo way over old.

VO Kamren: ...But it ISN'T a sport.

Me: *narrows eyes*

VO Kamren: *yipes*

Me: It's not supposed to be a real sport. It's supposed to be entertainment. And it is very, VERY entertaining.

You: But it's so fake.

Me: If it's so fake, how do so many wrestlers end up injured or dead?

You: *eyeroll*

Me: It's not "real" wrestling, and yes, it's played for entertainment, but the stunts these guys do are very real and very dangerous. They deserve the same respect as stunt people in movies. And a little more on top of that because they have to act AND do it all in spandex, to boot.

VO Kamren: ...Okay, I never thought of it like that.

You: Still sucks.

Audience: Gotta go with Lori on this one.

You: Shocking. *eyeroll*

Me: Whatever. I love it. It's fun to watch the storylines go all crazy. People coming and going, rivalries forming and falling as alignments change sides, people sabotaging each other left and right. It's AWESOMELY ridiculous.

VO Kamren: Sounds like a soap opera.

You: Heh. All that's missing are brain tumors and kidnappings.

Me: Oh. My. God. That's it. That's IT!

You: What's what?

Me: The entertainment factor. I think wrestling is, like, a soap opera for people who like to make fun of soap operas!

You: Well, I'm glad you solved that.

Me: Right? IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

You: *eyeroll* There's just one problem.

Me: ...?

VO Kamren: ...?

Audience: *playing with phones*

You: Didn't you tell me once that Rob was in a soap opera?

Me: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: *oblivious*

Me: ...That's besides the point.

You: *snerk*

VO Kamren: Hey! Let's call it a day before it gets weirder in here!

You: For once, that's a great idea.

Me: ...Wrestling still rocks. And Rob is still awesome for liking it.

Audience: Did someone say mud wrestling?

Me: Ugh! No!

VO Kamren: Fade out! Fade out! I TOLD you it'd get weird!

You: SO SKEEVY.

-FADE OUT-


	20. Episode 20

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome to The Show!

You: Pbppbtlptblptpbtlltblptpppt.

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: ...*snicker*

You: *glares* Okay, who put the whoopie cushion on my chair thing?

VO Kamren: Not me. *hands up*

Audience: Not us. *trembles*

Me: *raises hand* Not sorry.

You: *throws it at Me* Why would you do that??

Me: *dodges* The look on your face?

VO Kamren: Where did you even get a whoopie cushion?

Me: Uh, you're assuming I haven't had it half of forever.

You: UGH. Rude.

Me: Heheheh. Sometimes, the oldies are the besties.

You: Don't make me hurt you.

VO Kamren: Okay! It sounds like a great time for a top--OW OW OWOWOW!!

Me: *helpless giggles*

You: The heck is wrong with you, Annabelle??

VO Kamren: *muffled because he's sucking on his fingers* M' fngrs! Clpy fng ATE THEM!

Audience: *tentative chuckles*

You: *side-eyes me* Mols....

Me: *still tittering* Yeah?

You: Did you...?

Me: Rig his clippy thing to snap at him as soon as he reached for his list? Yes.

VO Kamren: *still sucking his fingers* Why??

Audience: *shrieks as right side of bleachers suddenly collapse, sending them all sliding off into a pile on the floor*

You: MOLS!!

Me: Mwaaaahahahahahaaaah!!

You: *thwaps me* What the heck is wrong with you??

Me: April Fool's Day, suckers! WOOT!

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...*still sucking fingers*

Audience: ...*still in a tangle of arms and legs*

Me: Mwahahahaha!! Mine is an evil laugh!

You: ...Mols.

Me: Fear my whimsy!!

You: MOLS.

Me: You been hit by... you been struck by... a smooth criminal!

You: _MOLS!_

Me: What?

You: ...*deep breath*... It's not April Fool's Day.

VO Kamren: ...*eyes fingers warily for blood*

Audience: ...*still trying to unknot*

Me: ...

You: It's March 31. Not April 1.

Me: THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF IT.

You: Wait, what? You... you jumped the gun on purpose??

Me: Well, yeah. Don't act like you guys wouldn't be all up on your guard tomorrow.

Audience: *struggling to right selves* We're on our guard around you all the time.

Me: Fat lot of good that didja.

You: ...Okay, true enough.

Audience: RUDE.

VO Kamren: But... my fingers!

Me: Oh, sheesh. It just stung a little. I tried it on myself to make sure it wouldn't do any actual damage, wombat.

You: ...Okay, that was actually kinda thoughtful. And it WAS pretty funny to watch him jump.

VO Kamren: Hey!

Me: So you're not still mad about the whoopie cushion?

You: ...Don't remind me, and I'll let it go.

Me: Remind you of what?

You: Nicely done.

VO Kamren: ...So is there anything else we should watch out for?

Audience: *finally sorts selves* And where are we supposed to sit?

Me: Good grief, ya buncha whiners. You'd think you've never been pranked before. *goes over to collapsed bleachers and resets the support* There. Happy now?

Audience: Is it gonna fall over just when we get comfortable again?

Me: ...

Audience: ...Well??

Me: *slow grin*

Audience: Ugh! We'll just stand!

You: *chuckles* Okay, that was funny.

VO Kamren: So is it safe to use my clippy th--OW! Dammit, Mols!!

Me: *helpless giggles*

You: *points and laughs*

VO Kamren: *fingers in mouth again* HATE YOU!!

Audience: *reluctant chuckles*

Me: *still snickering* Sorry, Annabelle. Here, lemme take out the spring. There. All fixed.

VO Kamren: *glares mistrustfully*

You: Look, just promise me we won't be doing all this crap again tomorrow.

Me: Promise.

You: *narrows eyes*

Me: I promise! It's out of my system. If I do anything at all, it'll be at work.

You: Oh, man.

VO Kamren: My fingers still hurt.

Audience: We're never sitting down again.

Me: *grin* My work here is done. Now I just gotta come up with something for work tomorrow to top last year's parade of bullshit.

You: Yeah, I remember something about you being abducted by aliens.

VO Kamren: Wait, you told _me_ there'd been a UFO _sighting_. You never said anything about an abduction. Were... were you abducted?

Audience: Did they probe you?

Me: *facepalm*

You: It's too easy, isn't it?

Me: SERIOUSLY. It's no fun when it's not a challenge.

You: So... done?

Me: Done.

VO Kamren: *hesitantly pokes at clippy thing* Whew. Okay, I think it's safe. Done!

Audience: Still never sitting again.

Me: Sweeeeeeeeeeet.

-FADE OUT-


	21. Episode 21

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show! Today we'll be--

Me: *crashes to the floor as chair gives out* Ow! What the--

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: *rubs back of head* Okay, that was epic. Who did it? Because seriously, I did NOT see that coming.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: Aw, c'mon! *hauls self to feet* That was awesome! Kinda hurt, but awesome!

You: ...You're not mad?

Me: Are you kidding? After the prankage yesterday, I'd expect nothing less.

You: *facepalm* Crap, I forgot. It actually IS April Fool's Day today, isn't it?

Me: Ah-hah! So it was Kamren! *throws up a highfive* Nicely done, kiddo! You're learning fast!

VO Kamren: *doesn't highfive* Uh... wasn't me.

Me: Pssh. You can admit it, wombat. I ain't mad atcha.

VO Kamren: No, it seriously wasn't me. I thought it was Lori.

You, Me, and VO Kamren: *look at the audience*

Audience: *trembles* We swear on all the Bibles it wasn't us.

Me: But... then who...?

Audience: Would we risk the wrath of the Diabolical One for a stupid prank that could've actually hurt you?

You: ...I think they're serious.

VO Kamren: ...I think it was... just an accident?

Me: ...Huh. Weird timing, though, right?

You: Fiddly weird.

VO Kamren: I guess... go on with The Show?

You: *shrug*

Me: I guess I'll just stand here.

Audience: You can sit with us.

Me: No, thanks. Those bleachers are still rigged to tilt if more than three of you lean to the right at the same time.

Audience: ...*trembles*

VO Kamren: Oooookay. I guess we'll just--

Lights: *fizzle out with a flare and sparks*

Me: *ducks and covers* Whoa! Nice! Okay, who rigged THAT one! I'm impressed! And a little on fire. *pats at hair and clothes*

Camera: *whirrs frantically*

Audience: *hurriedly takes out phones to shed some light*

You: ...I didn't do that one, either. Annabelle?

VO Kamren:  Not me! I don't trust the audience in the dark!

Audience: Hey!

VO Kamren: Sorry. I meant I don't trust Mols in the dark.

Me: Prudent. *makes sure all smoky bits are patted out*

You: It kills me that you aren't protesting that.

Me: *shrug* Okay, but if that wasn't a prank, the lights really are out?

Camera: *whirrs repeatedly*

Me: Alright, alright. Calm down, buddy. Lemme just hit the janitor's closet for some new bulbs. Gimme a sec. *takes out phone for light*

You: Here, take this. *hands over phone* Mine actually has the flashlight app.

Me: You people and your data plans.

You: Just go fix the lights, woman!

Me: *exits*

You: Okay, Kamren, spill it. You're behind all of this, right?

VO Kamren: I swear I'm not! How would I even begin to rig the lights?? I'm a VO guy, not an engineer!

You: Audience? You clownshoes behind this?

Audience: Hey, we'll skeeve, but there is no way in hell we'd provoke that demon woman's actual wrath.

VO Kamren: They look genuinely scared.

You: They really do. So... all of this really is just a coincidence?

VO Kamren: EPIC coincidence.

Me: *strolls back in with bulbs and a ladder* Hey, Lori? Will you shine your app right about there so I can set the ladder up?

You: *does so* Do you guys think maybe the execs are pranking us?

VO Kamren: By trying to bash in Mols' head and start an electrical fire with defective lightbulbs? I don't think so.

Me: *busily taking out bulbs* These are the same guys who straight up offed a couple of people and brainwiped our audience.

VO Kamren: I keep forgetting that.

You: How??

VO Kamren: *shrug* I try not to dwell.

Lights: *come back on*

Me: There ya go, buddy. Feeling better now?

Lights: *flash twice, relieved*

Me: Sweetness.

MiS 1: *strolls in with flowers* Hey, people, what's-- Mols?

Me: *sits on the top of the ladder and waves* Hey, Mike. What's up?

You: Twitchy Eye Guy's name is Mike? Huh.

MiS 1: Uh... you guys call me Twitchy Eye Guy?

You: Yeah. And why do you have flowers?

MiS 1: *looks at them like he forgot he had them* Uh... I was just... why are you on a ladder?

Me: The lights burnt out.

MiS 1: We do have staff to take care of that, you know.

Me: *shrug* I wasn't doing anything, anyway, and I kinda felt bad for him.

Lights: *flash gently*

Me: Welcome, buddy.

MiS 1: *to You* She talks to the lights?

You: They're haunted. Don't you even watch The Show?

MiS 1: *facepalm* This is going nowhere. I was just wondering if--

You: Are you asking Mols out??

Me: *laughs* Oh, man! That's great! The execs really ARE pranking us!

MiS 1: *widens eyes like an animal caught in a trap* Uh....

You: Mols, I think he's ser--

MiS 1: Ha! Of course it's a prank! These flowers are totally fake.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: *grins*

MiS 1: So I'll just... uh... hey, our guild's going up against the lich dragon tonight. You're in, right?

Me: Hellsyeah! I'll be over after work. EPIC prank, dude.

MiS 1: *looks at flowers* Yeah. Epic. I'll just... *gestures at the door, then runs for it*

VO Kamren: Man. His eye really DOES twitch when he's nervous.

You: Mols--

Me: Finally! At least SOMEONE got in an epic prank today. *climbs down from the ladder*

You: Mols, listen to me. I don't think he was pranking.

Me: Of course he was. I told you: gaming is a date-mongering-free zone.

You: *looks at Kamren for help*

VO Kamren: ...Uh... he looked pretty serious to me. And those flowers weren't fake. They smelled really nice, actually.

Me: *looks from Kamren to Lori, then at the audience* What do you guys think?

Audience: Dude wanted to get laid.

You: *facepalm* Way to break it gently.

Audience: She asked!

Me: But... hey, no... he didn't--

Lights: *flash twice*

Me: You, too?? He was just kidding!

Camera: *whirrs sarcastically*

Me: Hey, I don't need that from you, dude.

Camera: *whirrs*

You: Twitchy Eye Guy was about two seconds from asking you on a date.

VO Kamren: And now he's probably thunking his head against his office wall.

Audience: Or worse.

Me: *hangs head* What's worse than that?

Audience: He's probably revenge-masturb--

VO Kamren: Whoa whoa whoa!

You: Seriously, guys! *peppersprays them* Inappropriate!

Audience: *cries*

Me: *twitches* So lemme get this straight. My chair broke on me for no good reason. The lights just about burnt the building down for no good reason, unfortunately with the side effect of silencing and maybe even hurting our lights ghost. And putting a few scorch holes in my shirt.

Lights: *flicker*

Me: AND my gamer buddy just came in with honest-to-God flowers and was gonna ask me on a date... which at least saved me from having to say no... but... NONE OF THIS WAS A PRANK??

You: Right?? And you were such a good sport about the whole thing!

VO Kamren: You really were. I'd have probably cried with the whole chair-breaking thing.

Audience: We'd have just gone home and hid for a week after we caught on fire.

Me: *closes eyes and grits teeth* This is the worst April Fool's Day ever. Why didn't you guys prank me?? I LOVE pranks!

You: Whereas real life really gets you down.

Me: UGH. *pinches bridge of nose*

VO Kamren: So I guess this would be a good time to call it a day?

Me: PLEASE.

You: I'm good. I couldn't have pranked her better if I'd tried.

Audience: We wouldn't have dared.

Lights: *flash in sympathy*

VO Kamren: Yeah, that's probably our cue.

Me: I hate today.

You: I know, I know. Just try not to think about it while you're licking dragons tonight.

VO Kamren: ...Is that a euphamism?

Audience: YES!!

Me: LICH, not LICK. Ugh. I hate everything and I'm going home. Next year, PRANK ME, for the love of God!

You: Only you, Mols. Only you.

-FADE OUT-


	22. Episode 22

VO Kamren: Hey, guys. Welcome back to The Show.

Me: *raises eyebrow*

You: Well, aren't we all subdued today?

Me: Yeah, dude. Where's that boisterous enthusiasm of yours?

Audience: *yaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwns* He's putting us to sleep.

Me: Uh, no. That would be the lovely rainstorm outside.

You: Amen.

VO Kamren: No, no. Nothing like that. I just... had weird dreams last night.

Me: I thought you didn't have a lot of dreams?

You: And didn't remember them when you had them?

VO Kamren: I don't. Usually. And I guess it was really just the one dream, but it was....

Me: ...

You: ...

Audience: *slumps against each other in preparation for snoozing*

VO Kamren: ...

You: Geez! Just tell us already!

VO Kamren: ...*bluuuuuuuush*

Me: Oh-ho! So it was THAT kind of dream!

Audience: *sits up, instantly alert* Did someone say sex?

You: Ugh. No.

Me: To be fair, we kind of insinuated it, though.

You: They were half-asleep! There's no way they caught innuendo while half-asleep.

Audience: We're like Superman. We know when we're needed.

You: UGH. SO SKEEVY.

Me: ANYWAY.

VO Kamren: Can we just talk about something else? How'd your dragon-licking go last night, Mols?

Me: Nope. Not gonna be sidetracked, wombat. Not even when I clearly said "fighting a lich dragon", not "dragon-licking".

You: *snickers*

Me: Just tell us about the damn dream, Annabelle!

You: Yeah, wombat. Spill the beans.

Audience: We want all the details. ALL OF THEM.

VO Kamren: All right! Sheesh! Back off!

Us: *lean forward*

Audience: *leans forward*

VO Kamren: It wasn't "that kind" of dream, okay? I just... I dreamed I was having a very long and involved conversation, is all.

You: *narrows eyes* With whom?

VO Kamren: ...*fidgets*

Me: Wombaaaaaaaaat...?

VO Kamren: I blame you two.

You: For...?

VO Kamren: *sigh* I dreamed I was talking with Nate and Rob.

Me: *wide-eyed*

You: *wide-eyed*

Audience: *wide-eyed*

VO Kamren: *fidgets*

Us: *burst out laughing*

Audience: Does this mean we have a chance?

VO Kamren: *blushes* NO! Good grief! It was just talking! Not... THAT KIND of talking!

Audience: Shucks.

Us: *still laughing helplessly*

VO Kamren: Shut up! It was weird! They looked like Nate and Rob, but they... well... they sounded like you guys. It was... it was so WEIRD!

Audience: *waggles eyebrows*

VO Kamren: Gross! Not like that! *thwaps them*

Me: *still chuckling* Oh, wombat. *wipes a tear* Bless your poor little wombat heart.

VO Kamren: *crosses arms and huffs*

You: *still gasping for breath* So what did Dream Nate and Dream Rob have to say? *snickers some more*

VO Kamren: Ugh! Dream Rob wouldn't shut up about movies and comics and robots and nerd stuff, and Dream Nate kept talking about my bad taste in music and how often he has to pee.

Us: *fall over laughing*

Audience: Okay, that's funny as hell.

VO Kamren: It is not! It's... weird.

Us: *helpless laughter*

VO Kamren: And every time I admitted I didn't know what Dream Rob was talking about, he'd give me that look Mols gives me. That "dude, you really just need to watch the movie" look.

Me: *gasping for air* I can so see him doing that!

VO Kamren: And when I'd try to explain why I hadn't watched it yet, Dream Nate would give me Lori's "everything you say sounds like a Black Eyed Peas song" look. Or he'd ask me if something I said was a fat joke.

You: *weakly hugs stomach* Stop! Please! I can't breathe!

VO Kamren: And when I asked them to give me a break because I'm too busy doing stuff and things to sit and watch movies or whatever, Dream Rob just shook his head and said, "You're killin me, Smalls", and it was so Mols-doing-a-British-accent that all I could do was stare.

Us: *helpless, weak chuckles on the floor*

Audience: *snickers*

VO Kamren: It was like a nightmare, and it just went on and on. I must have dreamed that stupid dream all night long.

Me: *weakly sits up* Oh, man. That is beyond price.

You: *climbs up into chair* And so sad, really. Here you and I would KILL to dream of our boys all night long, but it's Annabelle that gets the goods.

Me: Right? *hauls self to feet and slumps down in chair* Ugh, I think I sprained my appendix laughing so hard.

VO Kamren: NOT. FUNNY.

You: Whatever, wombat. You may not have enjoyed it, but we sure as hell did.

VO Kamren: You guys are ruining me!

Me: Yeah, and?

You: Right? He acts like that's a bad thing.

Audience: We wanna ruin you, too.

You: Okay, back it up, sickos. That's way over the line.

Audience: Shucks.

VO Kamren: Ugh! Can we please just talk about something else?

You: I dunno, kiddo. That seems like enough to count as the topic for today.

Me: Amen, sister. My stomach hurts from all the laughing. I think I'm about funned out for the day.

VO Kamren: Good. Fine. Even better.

You: But seriously, Mols. Was your dragon-licking weird after Twitchy Eye Guy tried to ask you out?

Me: Really? This is what we're talking about now? And it's "lich". LICH. There's no "k" sound!

You: SPILL THE BEANS.

Me: *eyeroll* If you must know, he basically pretended it never happened, and that's just the way I like it.

You: *headshake* That poor guy.

Me: Trust me. It'd be worse if I'd said yes.

VO Kamren: *kicks a rock* THAT, I'll believe.

You: Rude.

Me: TRUE.

Audience: We're gonna go with the wombat on this one.

Me: Prudent.

You: Whatever. That's it for the day, right?

Me: Please yes.

VO Kamren: I seriously hope so. Lights?

Lights: *dim*

VO Kamren: Oh, thank God.

-FADE OUT-


	23. Episode 23

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

You: Any more interesting dreams over the weekend, wombat?

Me: *snickers*

VO Kamren: *glares* No. Shaddup.

Audience: Awwwww.

VO Kamren: You shaddup, too.

Audience: WELL.

You: Someone's got his cranky pants on today.

Me: Right? Who pissed in your Cheerios, Annabelle?

VO Kamren: ...?

You: Who rained on your parade?

VO Kamren: ...

Me: Spit in your bean curd?

You: Stepped on your tofu?

Audience: Sneezed on your sandwich?

You: Gross!

Me: But strangely apt. I'll take it.

VO Kamren: Ugh! No one did anything disgusting to my anything!

Me: ...Um....

You: ...Was that a euphamism?

VO Kamren: What? No! I meant--

Audience: Such a shame. *headshake*

You: Right? Might loosen him up a little.

Me: *snickers*

VO Kamren: Ugh! Stop!

Me: Alright, alright. Calm down before you catch your hair on fire.

You: Sounds like someone needs a spa day.

VO Kamren: I don't need a spa day!

Me: I dunno, wombat. You're about a 9.5 on the Calm-the-Hell-Downometer.

You: *snickers* Okay, that's a good one.

Me: *highfives*

Audience: Can we steal that one?

Me: Sure.

Audience: *jots it down*

VO Kamren: Hate you. Hate you all.

You: Seriously, kid. What's got you so tense?

VO Kamren: I don't know! I was fine until you guys started in on me.

Me: Wait, WE'RE stressing you out?

You: Dude, all we did was ask if you had any Rob/Nate dreams this weekend.

VO Kamren: Nightmares, more like it. *huffs*

You: Wait... so did you? Or didn't you?

VO Kamren: I didn't! Sheesh!

Me: Dude. You're stressing me out all the way over here. You need to calm down, like, STAT.

You: Fiddly. I had a great weekend, and I don't need you getting me all twitchy.

Audience: We give good foot massages.

Me: Gross.

You: But true.

Audience: Wait, when did we have our hands on your feet?

You: WATCH LAST SEASON. Ugh.

VO Kamren: NOT HELPING.

You: Right. Anyway, you know what relaxes me? A nice, hot bath with good-smelling bath soak.

Me: Yes! Oh, man, that is my favorite thing!

You: Right? I'm usually a shower person, but for a destressor? Absolutely!

Me: Not me.

You: Baths don't destress you?

Me: Heck yeah, they do. I meant that I don't prefer showers. I much prefer baths. Unless I'm washing my hair or just, like, mowed the lawn or worked out or something, I'm taking a good, long soak in the tub. It's glorious.

VO Kamren: Uh... I gotta go with Lori on this one. I prefer a shower.

You: Right? Who wants to sit around in their own funk? I'm not getting into a bath unless I'm already clean.

Me: What? The heck are you guys doing that you're seriously concerned about your everyday funk?

Audience: *opens mouths*

VO Kamren: NOT THE TIME.

Audience: *closes mouths*

You: I'm just sayin. I feel cleaner from a shower where it all sprays off and washes down the drain.

Me: That's what soap and a washcloth is for. You shouldn't need a fire-hosing to get clean, woman.

You: Gross.

VO Kamren: Fiddly gross.

Audience: *sweats*

Me: You guys are weird. I love a bath. Fill up the tub, dribble in a little sandalwood essential oil, turn on some soft music, and just kick back with a book and a cup of tea. *sigh* Such bliss. Much relaxing.

You: ...What was that last part again?

Me: Sorry. I think I'm spending too much time on Tumblr.

You: *shakes head* I still say just take a shower.

VO Kamren: Faster and cleaner.

Me: For those who are all about BEING clean, rather than about GETTING clean.

Audience: *shifts awkwardly*

You: I think this conversation may be a bit much for them.

VO Kamren: They do look a little... explosive.

Me: Whatever. Rob likes a bath, too. He's all about treating yourself to a little relaxation in the tub.

You: *eyeroll* Really? This is what we're talking about now?

Me: *shrug* It seems to have brought the wombat down from the heights.

You: *eyes him*

VO Kamren: ...Huh. I actually kinda DO feel better. More mellow.

You: *snerks* So... thinking about Rob in a bathtub makes you feel better?

VO Kamren: *pokers back up* HATE YOU. HATE YOU BOTH.

You: *snickers*

Me: *snickers*

Audience: WE GIVE GOOD MASSAGES. *twitchtwitch*

VO Kamren: Hate. You. ALL.

Me: *snerk* Works for me.

You: Kamren hating us?

Me: That and thinking about Rob in a bathtub.

You: *facepalm* MOLS.

Me: *shrug* You said it first.

You: About Kamren!

Me: And I agreed.

You: Good grief.

VO Kamren: That's it. We're done for the day. You two are awful, and the audience looks about two steps away from a stroke.

Audience: *twitchtwitchtwitch*

You: Alright, alright. No more talking about basic hygiene, apparently.

Me: Right? Who knew simple washing was such a minefield?

VO Kamren: STOP. TALKING. It only ever gets worse when you two do that!

You: ...

Me: ...He has a point.

Audience: Please don't ever stop talking about this subject.

You: Aaaaaaannnnnnnd that just ruined it for me.

Me: Yup. No fun anymore. Now it's just skeevy.

VO Kamren: Oh, thank God.

You: Just go see your masseuse lady, Annabelle. That oughtta bring ya back down.

Me: There ya go. Or have a spa day, like we suggested way back in the beginning.

VO Kamren: Stopping talking about this now.

You: Okay, okay.

Me: No fun at all.

Audience: *twitches*

Me: *sigh* Now I want a bath.

You: Ugh.

VO Kamren: FADE OUT.

-FADE OUT-


	24. Episode 24

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

You: Well, SOMEONE'S in a better mood.

Me: That's a relief. He goes from wombat to porcupine when he's cranky.

You: Heheh, did you just call him a prick?

Me: ...*snerk* Not intentionally?

VO Kamren: *narrows eyes* That's not a no.

Me: You're absolutely right.

VO Kamren: ...

Me: ...

You: Better watch it, wombat, or you're gonna need another relaxation episode.

VO Kamren: We are not talking about baths. Maybe never again.

Me: That is a shame. *scribbles on a page*

Audience: It really, really is.

VO Kamren: ANYWAY, before we get off track--

You: Said as if we're ever ON track.

VO Kamren: AHEM.

You: Sorry.

Me: *scribbles away*

Audience: *shuffles restlessly*

VO Kamren: As I was saying, before we get any further off-track, the topic of the day is--

You: Whatcha doin, Mols?

VO Kamren: *throws papers in the air*

Me: Hm? *looks up from scribbling* Why is it snowing paper?

You: Annabelle's having a hissy fit. Whatcha doin?

Me: Ugh. Filling out this hella long medical history questionnaire.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Papers: *float lazily to the floor*

Me: Why is everyone staring at me?

You: ...When was the last time you went to the doctor?

Me: ...Uh....

You: You shouldn't need a calculator and three equations to answer that question.

Audience: Whoa.

Me: Whatever. Like... six years? Maybe seven? I mean, I went to Urgent Care for the flu like three or four years ago. Does that count?

You: No.

VO Kamren: Fiddly no. You don't go to the doctor?

Me: ...I don't really need to?

You: LIES.

Me: ...?

You: You get sick ALL THE TIME.

Audience: *dons plague masks*

Me: Meh, that's usually allergies. That doesn't count.

You: Allergies that start in your head and end up sitting in your chest as bronchitis for, like, a month.

Me: What's a doctor gonna do about that? Besides prescribe something I can't afford to counter the allergies in the first place?

You: UGH.

VO Kamren: So... you don't actually have a regular physician?

Me: *shifts awkwardly* Well, I did. I didn't go very often, and he knew if I showed up, I was at Death's door, but he quit working in my insurance's network and I dunno where he went. *sigh* Haven't even tried to find one since.

You: *shakes head* She doesn't really trust doctors. Or, like, anyone.

Me: For good reason.

You: Well, for reasons. Not necessarily GOOD ones.

Me: Same difference.

VO Kamren: I just... how do you go that long without a doctor? I see mine all the time.

You: Me, too. I'd probably be dead by now if I didn't have regular appointments.

Me: *shrug* I just... don't go. I can't afford the ER or Urgent Care, and it's hard to get right into a doctor if you aren't an established patient, so I just don't... ya know... GO.

You: Whatever. Did you put migraines on there?

Me: Do what now?

You: On the questionnaire. Did you put that you get migraines, like, all the time?

Me: Oh. Yeah, it's on page six.

You: Of how many--

Me: NINE.

You: ...Nine pages. Huh.

VO Kamren: And sinus infections? Did you put them on there?

Me: I figure those are covered by the allergies thing, since that's usually what causes them.

Audience: Did you put down pure and incurable evil?

Me: *glares*

You: *glares*

VO Kamren: ...

Me: *glares at Kamren*

VO Kamren: ...What?

Me: No. I didn't put down pure and incurable evil. Since it's incurable, I see no point in mentioning it.

You: She's going to the doctor, not a priest.

Me: Nicely done. *fistbump*

Audience: ...Okay, that was a little funny.

You: You bet your collective ass it was.

VO Kamren: Whatever. So you're not currently sick?

Me: Nope.

Audience: *takes off plague masks*

You: You're just being prepared.

Me: I've been paying for insurance out of every single check for years. It finally occurred to me that, so long as a service is covered, I might as well go ahead and use it. *shrug* I can't afford a bunch of fancy stuff, even if I might need it, but I haven't even had just a basic CBC run in a dog's years. And I KNOW that's covered.

You: Well, I'm glad you're finally trying to take care of yourself a little.

VO Kamren: Yeah. Surprising, but probably good.

Audience: You're not getting any younger.

You: *peppersprays them*

Me: *points and laughs, Simpsons-style* Ha ha!

VO Kamren: Yeah, even I didn't go there. You guys fiddly earned that one.

Audience: *weeps*

You: So... does that count as a topic, wombat?

VO Kamren: *grumbles* I guess.

Me: Oh, we were doing a topic? I was trying to remember if anyone in my family ever had tuberculosis when it started snowing paper.

You: That's a question on there?

Me: YEAH. *sigh*

VO Kamren: Sheesh. Talk about thorough.

Me: I'm just really glad that I'm able to answer "no" to 95.3% of the questions on here.

You: ...You seriously counted and divided, didn't you.

Me: I notice that's not actually a question and see no reason to answer it.

You: Such. A. Nerd.

VO Kamren: Okay, I think we've probably gone about as long as we can without ruining everything, so... done?

You: Yeah, done.

Me: I still have a page and a half to go.

VO Kamren: WITH THE EPISODE.

Me: Oh. Yeah. Done.

Audience: *still weeping*

Us: *still don't care*

VO Kamren: Good. See you next time, folks! Maybe we'll talk about taking better care of ourselves, huh?

You: Remember, folks: an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!

Me: And an ounce of pretention is worth a pound of manure!

You: *facepalm* And she probably has the equation to prove it.

VO Kamren: Aaaaaaaaaannnnnd there it went. We're done. Fade out.

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I don't get to the doctor ever. Once per decade is plenty, right? RIGHT?


	25. Episode 25

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show! Before anyone says anything else, todaywe'regonnatalkabouttreatingourselvesbetter!

You: Wow. I have never heard him talk that fast.

Me: Honestly, I was up late writing last night, and I'm not sure I have the processing power to parse all that out.

Audience: He said "Today, we're gonna talk about masturbating ourselves better."

VO Kamren: *turns purple*

You: Yeah, pretty sure that's not even close.

Me: I dunno. Most of the words kinda sounded right. Except the one.

Audience: Today?

Me: No. Not that one.

Audience: Talk?

You: STOP THAT.

Audience: *sulks*

VO Kamren: I SAID that today, we're gonna talk about treating ourselves better. TREATING.

You: Ooooooh. Like we probably should have yesterday.

Me: *shrug* Whaddya want from me? I already set up a doctor's appointment.

VO Kamren: You could start by eating better.

You: *raises eyebrows*

Me: ...Uh... excuse me, Mr. PB&J?

VO Kamren: What?

You: Wombat, she bored us for weeks about salads in jars. And kale chips. She loves fruit and cottage cheese as a snack. SHE DOESN'T CRAVE CHOCOLATE.

Me: I've spent most of the morning lusting after adding pureed cucumber to a cottage cheese/Ranch dressing dip recipe and eating it on sliced cucumber.

Audience: We were gonna jump on the whole lusting thing, but now we kinda just want some dip.

Me: You wouldn't be disappointed.

You: So yeah, dude. You're kinda telling the wrong person to eat better.

VO Kamren: I meant "you", like the collective you.

Me: *cringes* Oh, wombat.

You: Wait, what? You think I need to eat better, too? Seriously, dude! Do you eat anything but starches??

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: Yeah, dude. Just... back away from that one.

You: Fiddly.

Me: WORD.

VO Kamren: Okaaaaaay. So maybe I should... uh... exercise! That's part of treating yourself better, right? You should-- _WE_ should all get more exercise!

You: *stony silence*

Me: *stony silence*

Audience: *facepalms repeatedly*

VO Kamren: What? What'd I say??

You: I don't see you taking nature hikes, wonder boy.

Me: Or jaeger-striding around on your elliptical.

Audience: *makes frantic 'cut' gestures at Kamren*

VO Kamren: Uuuuummmmm... spa day! Everyone take a spa day!

You: YOU take a spa day, Saystoomuch McBlurtsalot.

Me: Better yet, go take a bath.

VO Kamren: *headpodiums*

You: *crosses arms and huffs*

Me: *grumbles*

Audience: Hey! Why don't we talk about fun things to do with fruit and veggies!

You: Oh, my God, NO. You guys just never quit, do you??

Audience: *yipes*

Me: ...Heh.

You: ...?

Me: ...Heheheh. Okay, there was this one thing--

You: Don't do it. Don't give them any ammo.

VO Kamren: I don't think I can survive knowing that you've done... something... with fruit.

Me: Gross! Not like that, ya buncha pervs!

You: Well, what did you expect?

Me: ...Touché.

You: Right. So... if it's not gonna give us nightmares, go ahead.

Me: I just got to thinking about the time someone bought me and Dave a huge bag of apples.

You: Wait, was Dave the friend or the almost-fiancé? I get confused.

VO Kamren: Me, too.

Audience: Seriously. Who would dare to DATE the demon spawn, let alone want to marry her??

Me: NOT. THE. TIME.

Audience: *yipes and huddles together*

You: *headshake*

Me: ANYWAY, Dave the friend. He hadn't lived at my place very long yet, but we were always pretty short on cash. I can't remember who bought us this big, like, ten-pound bag of apples, but we ate THE HELL out of them, and there just kept being more. We were so freakin sick of them, even though we were grateful, and they were starting to get all powdery and soft, and... well, you know me.

You: *nods* Texture issues.

Me: Exactly.

Audience: No one likes putting anything soft and mushy in their mouth.

You: GROSS! *peppersprays them*

Audience: *cries*

VO Kamren: I don't get it.

Me: Be glad, wombat.

VO Kamren: Will do.

You: So anyway?

Me: Right. So we still had like a quarter of a bag of apples that we just couldn't eat, so Dave got this brilliant idea. We went out to the back yard, taking both of my baseball bats with us.

You: Oooookay. I see where this is going.

VO Kamren: Wait, you don't like baseball.

Me: So?

VO Kamren: So why do you have baseball bats?

Me: I did use to play softball, ya know.

VO Kamren: ...Did not know that.

Me: Well, I did. Plus, I lived alone for a while before Dave needed a place to crash, so I liked having a weapon handy on either side of the bed, just in case. A Louisville slugger to the right and a heavy metal bat to the left.

Audience: I pity the fool who tried to break into your house.

Me: Damn straight.

You: *headshake* You kill me, Mols.

VO Kamren: Okay, so what happened with the apples?

Me: *grin* We made us some applesauce.

Audience: Heheheh. Nice.

You: *grinning eyeroll*

VO Kamren: ...?

Me: Oi. We pitched apples at each other and swung for the fences. They were soft enough that, if you really connected, they'd darn near vaporize. It was GLORIOUS.

You: Please tell me you were wearing goggles and a tarp or something.

Me: *grin* Nope.

You: Gross.

Me: It got EVERYWHERE. My hair was, like, matted with pulverized apple, and we had to wash our clothes twice to get all the little pieces out. I had to hose off the side of the house and everything. Heh, all the hair on Dave's arms was, like, GLUED together.

VO Kamren: Okay, that actually sounds really fun.

Me: It was!

You: I don't think I could handle being all sticky like that.

Audience: Bow chicka--

You: *peppersprays without even looking*

Audience: *weeps*

Me: Anyway, that was my fun thing to do with fruit.

VO Kamren: That was a good one! I kinda wish we could try it now.

You: Pass.

VO Kamren: Well, it's not diet and exercise and meditating in the first rays of morning sunlight, but it'll do. For us.

Me: We work with what the Lord done give us.

You: And the Lord apparently done gave us rotten apples.

Me: Hey, some people make lemonade. I make applesauce. Amen.

VO Kamren: ...Ya know? I'm gonna let that one go.

You: You CAN be taught!

Me: So... done?

You: Pulverized, you might say.

Audience: *still weeping*

You: Good episode, guys. I really feel like it brought us together.

Audience: *weeping* Wwwwhhhyyyyyy???

Me: Ah, togetherness.

VO Kamren: Until next time, folks!

Audience: *still weeping*

-FADE OUT-


	26. Episode 26

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show! Where God only knows what we'll talk about next!

Me: Anybody else getting a "Who's Line Is It Anyway?" vibe?

You: No.

VO Kamren: No.

Audience: What even?

Me: *sigh* Never mind.

You: Lookin kinda down, Mols. Everything alright?

Me: Meh, migraine. It's Spring. I'll have them more often than usual for a while.

VO Kamren: Bummer. Should we all be quiet?

You: Do you need another Coke?

Audience: We could rub your head.

Me: No, this one isn't terribly sound-sensitive. No, I'm gonna go get a venti Earl Grey tea latte at lunch. And no. Just no.

Audience: *pouts*

You: I thought you guys thought she was a demon.

Audience: Isn't rubbing a demon's head lucky?

Me: Ugh. That's rubbing a ginger's head.

Audience: ...So yeah?

Me: UGH.

You: Calm down, calm down. You'll just make your headache worse.

Me: *deep breaths*

VO Kamren: Well, I usually have a topic prepared, but since I always get interrupted before I can tell you what it is... I didn't actually bring a topic today. So... suggestions?

Me: *waves vigorously* Oh, oh! _Age of Ultron!_ It's only a couple more weeks! I can't wait and I wanna watch it NOW! It's killing me!

You: *yawn* Pass.

VO Kamren: Fiddly pass. I'll wait for video.

Me: BLASPHEMY.

Audience: Why is she baring her teeth like that?

VO Kamren: *tilts head* She kinda looks like Frankenstein like that.

Audience: *tilts heads* She kinda looks like she's masturbating like that.

You: What?? Gross!!

Me: Meh. That's what Frankenstein's all about anyway.

You: ...?

VO Kamren: ...Um...?

Audience: ...We're suddenly very interested in literature.

Me: *eyeroll* How many times do we have to tell you buncha clownshoes? EVERYTHING IS DICKS.

You: I dunno about that one, Mols. Wasn't Frankenstein about, like, philosophy and the nature of good and evil and about redemption for taking the wrong path?

Me: Yeah. And dicks.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...Please explain.

You: You really don't have to.

VO Kamren: Please no.

Me: Oh, it's on. Although I'm stopping the second those creepers start breathing heavily.

Audience: *holds breath*

Me: Nope. That's worse.

Audience: *tries to breathe normally*

You: Mols, you really don't have to--

Me: Here goes, Annabelle. Dick School is in session.

Audience: *twitches*

You: *takes out phone to check facebook*

VO Kamren: *looks terrified*

Me: So what actually happens in Frankenstein? A mad scientist -- a dude, of course -- decides to "reinvigorate" some "dead flesh". To _re-erect_ it, as it were.

Audience: *twitches more*

Me: But not just any dead flesh. Oh, no. He wants to resurrect BIGGER, STRONGER flesh. Which then proceeds to stumble around in a futile search for meaning, but pretty much just causes chaos and terror and loathing in everyone it meats.

You: Meets?

Me: That, too.

Audience: *shifts in seats*

VO Kamren: Um... that's plenty, really--

Me: And it doesn't stop there. The enormous, high forehead? Fiddly a dick. The looming height? Fiddly a dick. IT EVEN HAS A ZIPPER.

You: ...Huh.

Me: The Frankenstein monster is fiddly just a giant, shambling dick, causing a mess and making everything horrible, then demanding the scientist make it a mate because it can't get one for itself. Because it's a giant, shambling dick, and I don't even think that part's a metaphor.

You: ...Whoa.

Me: Right?

VO Kamren: ...I will never think of that story the same way again. I used to kinda like Frankenstein.

Audience: *twitches* We love literature. Can we talk about literature every day?

You: *eyeroll*

Me: Annabelle?

VO Kamren: Yeah?

Me: I fiddly just made all that up.

You: *hides grin*

VO Kamren: YOU _WHAT??_

Audience: *blinkblinks*

Me: *shrug* Hey, I wanted to talk about _Age of Ultron_.

You: Isn't that about a robot?

Me: Who is also a dick. Yes.

You: ...Nicely done.

Me: *highfives*

VO Kamren: Did you seriously just ruin a work of classic literature to make a dick joke?

Me: Yup. A really long one.

You: *snickers*

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...We were so close. SO CLOSE! *shakes fists at sky*

Me: Whatever.

You: Wait, didn't you say that pilot Rob was shooting was called Frankenstein?

Me:  Yeah?

You: ...Whaddya think he'd think of your interpretation?

Me: Well, he's the one who pointed out that the latest space mission's landing pattern looks like a dick, so he'd probably be okay with it.

You: ...Touché.

VO Kamren: I just... Frankenstein! I can't... now he's just a dick to me!

Me: My work here is done.

You: And you even did it with a migraine.

Audience: DISAPPOINTED.

You: That's what you get for trying to make classic literature a masturbatory aid.

Me: Hosnap.

Audience: *fumes*

VO Kamren: That's it. We're done for the day. I may be done forever.

Me: Sweet. I need caffeine.

You: I need some Nate music.

VO Kamren: *mutters and shuffles papers* Frankenstein! I just... what even... FRANKENSTEIN?

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I don't usually post an episode the day I wrote it, but I am seriously proud of that whole "Frankenstein is a dick" thing. I fiddly made that up on the fly in an email, and it sounds totally legit! Kamren sure bought it. Heh.


	27. Episode 27

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show! Where everything's made up and the points don't matter!

Me: Okay, you're just messing with me now.

VO Kamren: ...?

Me: *sigh* Never mind.

You: Whatever. So what's the topic of the day, wombat?

VO Kamren: Mols' boyfriend.

You: *wide-eyed*

Audience: Oooooooo. *leans forward*

Me: My what now?

VO Kamren: I know what I saw. Why didn't you tell us? I thought we were friends!

Me: ...?

You: ...?

Audience: Dun-dun-duuuuuunnnnn!

Me: Really? A musical cue?

Audience: It seemed to fit.

Me: Well, stop it.

You: Annabelle, what the heck are you talking about? What exactly did you see?

VO Kamren: *huffs and crosses arms* Mols and the twitchy eye guy on a date at McDonald's.

Me: ...

You: McDonald's, Mols? Really? You didn't make him take you to George's place?

Me: I have no idea what he's talking about.

VO Kamren: Oh, so you _weren't_ at McDonald's last night?

You: I thought you weren't a big fan of McDonald's. And only did drive-thru. And only for a Coke.

Audience: We thought you were an agent of the Devil and were thus incapable of dating.

Me: *scoots away from the table* Geez, guys! What's with the inquisition??

Spanish Inquisition: *hops into the room, capes swirling* NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! *hops back out*

Me: ...

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...What just happened?

Me: Really, guys? Nobody?

You: *blinks*

VO Kamren: *blinks*

Audience: *blinks*

Me: *sigh* Never mind. Rob would get it.

You: *narrows eyes* Are you being British again?

Audience: Did you, like, hire those guys or something?

VO Kamren: ANYWAY.

Me: Right. I just... seriously, wombat, I have no idea what you're talking about. I did go to McD's last night, but just to use their wifi to download another couple of 7 Little Words packets onto my Kindle.

You: Don't you usually do that at George's?

Me: Haven't been in a while.

VO Kamren: Which still doesn't explain why Twitchy Eye Guy was there with you.

Me: He wasn't!

VO Kamren: He WAS! He was right there across the table from you, eating a McRib and talking to you!

You: ...Mols?

Me: ...

You: *elbows Me* Moooooollllllssssss?

Me: I have no idea what he's talking about. I was only there for like ten minutes. I didn't even eat! I just got a Coke and sat back in the corner.

VO Kamren: I know what I saw. Why not just admit it?

Audience: *whips out some popcorn* This is getting good.

You: Right? It feels like a soap opera.

Me: Stop that! I don't know what he's talking about because I seriously just downloaded a new pack, played a few screens, checked my email on a whim, and left.

VO Kamren: Call him.

Me: What?

VO Kamren: Call him over here. I wanna talk to him.

You: *raises eyebrows* What, you're gonna give him the Big Brother Talk? Because I don't think--

Me: He doesn't NEED the Big Brother Talk because he wasn't--

VO Kamren: I wanna ask him what he thought was going on. I _know_ I saw them sitting together, having a date.

Me: At McDonald's.

VO Kamren: That's besides the point!

You: I don't think it is. I mean... really? McDonald's?

VO Kamren: CALL HIM!

Audience: Dun-dun- _duuuuuuunnnnn!_

Me: Stop that! *thwaps them*

VO Kamren: MOLS!

Me: Ugh! Fine! *whips out phone and texts* There. I sent him a text asking if he has time to stop by the studio.

You: *steals the audience's popcorn* This should be awesome.

Me: Don't you have to pee or something?

You: Just went.

Me: So, like, in another thirty seconds?

You: Don't change the subject.

Me: Nate! Let's talk about Nate! Hasn't he done something interesting in the past couple of weeks?

You: ...Not gonna work.

Me: *gnaws fingers* And Rob hasn't tweeted anything in almost a week, so that's out. Uh... hey, wombat! How's your masseuse?

VO Kamren: Not. Changing. The subject.

Me: UGH.

Twitchy Eye Guy: *strolls in* Hey, guys. What's up?

VO Kamren: Ha! I saw that!

TEG: *freezes* Saw what?

Me: Yeah, saw what?

VO Kamren: He looked at you.

You: At me?

VO Kamren: No! I mean yes! Ugh, at Mols!

TEG: *whispered aside* Is he having a stroke?

Me: *closes eyes and shakes head* Sadly, no.

VO Kamren: Explain yourself, mister!

TEG: ...*whispered aside* Is he talking to me?

Me: *sigh* Sadly, yes.

You: *happily munches popcorn while watching it all unfold*

Audience: *happily steals a handful every now and then while watching it all unfold*

TEG: Um... explain what?

VO Kamren: *leans over podium and tries to look intimidating* I saw you and Mols on a date last night at McDonald's.

TEG: *blanches*

You: So you might start by explaining why you took her to McDonald's. I mean... really, dude? McDonald's? Is that a gamer thing?

Me: *covers eyes with hand*

TEG: *twitches* Uh... that was... no, you don't... I wasn't....

You: Great, wombat. You broke him.

VO Kamren: I want answers!

Me: *still covering eyes* You want answers?

VO Kamren: I want the truth!

Me: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!

Audience: *yipes and huddles together*

VO Kamren: *hides behind the podium* Why do you keep doing that??

Me: Still?? Really?? UGH.

TEG: Um... I really don't know what's happening right now, but I think I should go back to the other building. With the sane people.

You: No, wait. Just... were you on a date or not?

TEG: ...*twitches*

You: Mike? Your name's Mike, right?

TEG: ...Yeah.

You: ...You weren't there on a date, were you?

TEG: ...No?

Me: *peeks through fingers* So you weren't there? Annabelle was just... I dunno... being Annabelle?

VO Kamren: Hey!

TEG: ...Annabelle?

Me: *points at Kamren*

TEG: Oh. Uh... not exactly? I don't think? Isn't his name Kamren?

You: ...I think I know what happened.

VO Kamren: Well, _somebody_ darn well ought to!

You: Lemme lay it out and Mike can tell me if I got it right. Okay?

Me: *shrug*

VO Kamren: *grumbles*

Audience: *leans forward*

TEG: *blushes miserably*

You: Okay, so Mols stops in at McD's to borrow some free wifi.

Me: With ya so far.

You: Twitchy Eye-- er... Mike stops in for a bite to eat.

TEG: *eye-twitches* It's really not that twitchy when I'm not _here_.

You: He gets his food, turns around to look for a seat, sees Mols. Sits down. Right so far?

TEG: *siiiiiigh* Yeah.

Me: Wait, so--

You: Mols keeps playing 7 Little Words, oblivious, while Mike chatters away and the wombat comes in and sees them.

VO Kamren: _Waitaminute_ \--

You: Mike? Honey? Did you know she didn't know you were there?

Me: *headdesk*

TEG: At first, no. It wasn't until she cackled because she figured out some unpronouncable country name without using a clue that I realized she hadn't heard a word I said.

You: *keeps a straight face* So you...?

TEG: *bluuuuuush* Just kept talking and eating like we were there together?

You: Thaaaaat's what I thought.

VO Kamren: *wide-eyed*

Me: *hides head miserably*

Audience: *blinkblinks*

VO Kamren: So... YOU were on a date, but... SHE wasn't?

TEG: ...Basically.

Me: *muffled* Miiiiiiiiike!!

TEG: I know! I'm sorry! I just... we have so much fun when we're bringing down titanoboas and trash-talking giant robot vampire gods!

Me: *huddles in a little ball and rocks back and forth*

You: *keeps a straight face so hard it hurts*

VO Kamren: *twitches*

Audience: *trembles*

Everyone but Me and TEG: *bursts out laughing*

TEG: *throws up his hands and stalks out of the room, blushing miserably*

Me: *crawls under the table and huddles better*

You: *gasps for air*

VO Kamren: *wipes streaming eyes*

Audience: *collapses as more than three lean to the left, tipping the bleachers*

Me: I am never eating in public again!

You: Oh, man. *gasps, tries to stop laughing* Oh, God, that was... Oh, Mols, you gotta stop accidentally dating people.

Me: How?? I didn't even know he was there!!

VO Kamren: *clutches the podium for balance* Only you could be on a date without knowing it. Oh, man. Not even like this was the first time!

Me: Shut up! I'm traumatized, here!

You: *sniffles and swipes at eyes* Pretty sure Mike's the traumatized one. I haven't seen that shade of red since the audience was zombies.

VO Kamren: *gasps and tries to get himself together* We should probably apologize, actually. Whew. Poor guy.

Me: Having a hard time working up any sympathy for the guy who sneak-dated me.

You: He's brave. Gotta give him that.

Me: I feel so violated!

Audience: *opens mouths*

Me: DON'T YOU DARE.

Audience: *closes mouths and goes back to picking itself up and resetting the bleachers*

You: Calm down, Mols. No harm, no foul. *titters* Sneak-dated. Good grief. Did you just get up and walk away without a kiss goodbye?

Me: *hides face* Can we not??

You: Alright, alright. Ya big baby.

VO Kamren: So... done?

Me: DONE FOREVER.

You: Yeah, we should probably just let this one go.

Audience: Best. Episode. Ever.

Me: Hate you. Hate you all.

Audience: But seriously, were did those guys in the capes come from?

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously. How do you prevent a date when you don't know you're on one? RUDE.


	28. Episode 28

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

You: *yawn*

Me: Meh.

Audience: *scratches bellies and slumps*

VO Kamren: Hey! What happened to the enthusiasm from last time?

Me: *glares* I wasn't enthusiastic last time.

VO Kamren: Oh. Right.

You: And I'm tired. Didn't sleep well last night.

Me: *holds up fist to bump* I feel ya, dawg.

You: *fistbumps* Word.

VO Kamren: Oh, so you guys can do it, but I can't?

Us: Pretty much.

VO Kamren: Rude.

Audience: We want nachos.

VO Kamren: What do I look like? A nacho stand?

Audience: Rude.

VO Kamren: Ugh. You guys are bumming my high. Talk about something, wouldja?

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: ...*drools a little*

VO Kamren: C'mon! Lori, was Nate on a show or something?

You: Nope.

Me: *offers the handy pillow*

You: Thanks, BGFF. *slumps to the table and cuddles it*

VO Kamren: Ugh! Okay, Mols, it's up to you. Please tell me Rob tweeted something funny last night.

Me: *brightens* Actually....

You: *groans* Oh, here we go.

Me: *ignores* He asked which is worse, flying alligators or man-sized spiders. Then, he clarified: flying alligators that are just as populous as regular alligators, or man-sized spiders that only live in, like, the Amazon, BUT YOU KNOW.

You: Ugh!

Me: Right??

Audience: ...We just peed a little.

Me: ...Okay.

VO Kamren: Flying alligators.

You: *sits up straight* What? Why??

VO Kamren: Uh... because they could go on land, water, or air? So, like... ninjas?

Me: ...You think multiple attack venues is what makes you a ninja?

VO Kamren: THEY COULD GET YOU ANYWHERE.

Audience: *whimpers*

You: I pick man-sized spiders. I mean, alligators are actually pretty chill. Unless you're actively bothering them, they're starving or injured, or you're bleeding like right in their mouth, they mostly just ignore us human types.

Me: Fiddly. Although, if you do somehow get on the bad side of one, it can eat you.

VO Kamren: See? They're WAY worse. They're ninjas that can eat you. FROM THE SKY.

You: Screw that. Spiders are worse. Spiders are ALWAYS worse.

Me: Right?? I mean, I know there are monstrously-sized spiders in, like, caves and stuff, but you'd have to go looking for them. The Amazon is only like a continent away. That is way too close for a spider as big as I am.

You: *shudders*

Audience: *rocks back and forth* Never sleep again. Never sleep again. Never sleep again.

VO Kamren: I still think--

Me: Imagine the webs! Holy chickenballs! Considering spider silk has a higher tensile strength than steel cable, can you imagine how awful those webs would be just hanging all over willy nilly??

You: Wuh! And if they wrapped you up in it, you would never get out.

Me: Not until it was time to eat you. IT COULD EAT YOUR WHOLE HEAD IN ONE BITE.

You: But it wouldn't, because it would start at the extremities and work its way up so you're still screaming when it swallows that last bite.

Audience: *plugs ears* La la la! We can't hear you! La la la! Over the shrieking of our nightmares!

VO Kamren: ...Okay, you might have a point.

Me: Fiddly.

You: FIDDLY.

Audience: *curls into the fetal position*

Me: And then he went on to tweet about how much he loves Quantum Leap, and he's just gonna have to stop now.

You: ...I love Quantum Leap.

Me: Right?? It's one of the best shows ever. And he went on and on about it, the perfect bastard.

VO Kamren: ...?

Me: Don't even start, Annabelle. EVERYONE KNOWS QUANTUM LEAP.

VO Kamren: ...Movin on. Anything else new?

You: *cuddles back around pillow* Nothing but the nightmares I'm gonna have about those damn spiders now.

Me: *raises hand* My dad brought me a big tub of morels last night.

VO Kamren: Morels?

Me: Mushrooms.

VO Kamren: I know what they are. I just... why?

You: *snorts*

Me: Uh... because they're delicious? And if you don't have a special spot where you know they grow and wait until just the right time in Spring to find them, they cost a bloody fortune?

You: Fiddly.

VO Kamren: Never tried 'em.

Me: Your loss.

VO Kamren: I don't like mushrooms.

Me: Blasphemy!

You: Sacrilege!

Audience: *warily unplugs ears* What're you guys talking about?

Me: ...The thousands upon thousands of man-sized spider hatchlings that would each be as big as your head as they eat their way out of your--

Audience: *yelps and replugs ears* La la la!!

You: Nicely done.

Me: *highfives*

You: I've never had morels, either, but I want to. I love mushrooms.

Me: They're pretty tasty. Kind of a yearly treat. Dad usually tries to bring both me and my sister some, if the weather cooperates.

VO Kamren: What's the weather got to do with it?

Me: If it's too dry or if it gets too hot too quick, you don't have a very good yield. Or any yield, some years.

You: And that's a shame.

Audience: *hums quietly to itself, rocking back and forth*

Me: Sorry you haven't tried them, though. I can't wait to flour and fry some tonight. *drools*

You: So he just goes out and picks them?

Me: Yup. He lives out in the boonies, so he has several secret spots that usually do pretty well.

You: See, I'd be afraid to go pick mushrooms. I'd probably end up dead and be, like, a cautionary tale on 20/20 against the dangers of eating local fungi.

VO Kamren: That would be bad.

Me: Meh. Most of the mushrooms and toadstools around here are safe enough. Some might make you wish you hadn't eaten anything for, like, the prior week, but there aren't that many deadly ones.

You: But I don't even know what morels look like.

Me: ...

You: ...Mols?

Me: ...

VO Kamren: ...Um...?

Me: ...They kinda look like dicks.

Audience: *sits up, unplugs ears* Bow chicka bow wow.

You: ...How...?

VO Kamren: ...When...?

Me: ...They really DO know when they're needed.

Audience: So what looks like dicks now?

Me: A man-sized spider's pedipalp.

Audience: ...Which is...?

Me: *sigh* Basically, its dick.

Audience: *yelps and plugs ears*

You: Seriously, Mols. How do you know this stuff?

Me: Wait 'til we talk about duck dicks.

VO Kamren: ...I doubt I want to know, but...?

Me: Corkscrews.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: *fetal position*

VO Kamren: Ya know what? This episode is over. I'm not sure this episode even began. Can we, like, make it not have happened?

Me: *sings* If I could turn back ti-hime! If I could find some way!

You: No, no. It's "tah-hahme".

Me: Sorry. My Cher impression is a little rusty.

You: ...Oh. I was doing Just Jack.

Me: Same thing.

You: True.

VO Kamren: ...No idea what just happened. See ya next time, folks! When we definitely won't talk about giant flying things, fungus, or corkscrews!

You: Still so optimistic.

Me: It's almost endearing.

Audience: *huddles and sucks thumbs*

-FADE OUT-


	29. Episode 29

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

You: *yawns and waves*

Me: *vibrates*

Audience: ...That's new?

VO Kamren: Mols?

Me: Sorry. Don't mind me.

You: The heck are you doing over there?

VO Kamren: Before you answer that question, remember that this is a family show.

Me: Since when?

VO Kamren: Hey, I try!

You: We don't. Like, at all.

VO Kamren: *grits teeth* Yeah. I noticed.

You: But seriously, Mols. What's up with you?

Me: I really am sorry. I'm trying to conceal my excitement because I know you guys will just roll your eyes.

VO Kamren: Excitement about what?

Me: *twitches*

Audience: She looks like that dude on _Scanners_ just before his head explodes.

Me: You guys watched that movie?

Audience: ...We saw the gif.

Me: *eyeroll* Not the same.

You: Yeah yeah nerd nerd, seriously. Are you sitting on a washing machine or something?

VO Kamren: Family show!

You: This has never been a family show!

Audience: You know, there's a company that makes a sexy-times saddle to attach to the top of your washing machine during the spin cycle.

VO Kamren: ...

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: ...Just sayin.

VO Kamren: *whimpers*

You: Huh.

Me: *twitchvibrates*

You: Okay, out with it.

Me: You're gonna be disappointed.

You: Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought him back.

VO Kamren: Is that how that saying goes?

You: ...Yeah?

VO Kamren: Huh. Guess I never heard the whole thing. I always thought it sounded... really dark.

Me: Oh, wombat.

Audience: Seriously. This guy.

You: MOLS.

Me: Fine. I got my _Age of Ultron_ ticket last night. It's beautiful. I can't wait for Friday. Is it Friday yet?

You: ...You were right.

Me: Disappointed?

You: *nods*

Me: Toldja.

VO Kamren: Wait, you're riding the washer saddle over a stupid movie ticket?

You: ...

Audience: ...

Me: ...New euphamism?

You: ...Agreed.

Audience: Seconded.

Me: The motion carries.

VO Kamren: Guys!

Me: Yes, Kamren. I'm riding the washer saddle over a movie ticket. Leaving out the "stupid" part, though.

You: I would've also accepted the term "nerdgasming".

VO Kamren: Family show!

Audience: Dude, you kinda started it.

VO Kamren: I didn't mean to!

You: As usual, the wombat doesn't do much on purpose.

Me: *snorts*

VO Kamren: What I MEANT was... why are you so excited? It's just another movie.

You: Oh, Annabelle. *headshake*

Audience: Dude. Just... what.

VO Kamren: What?

Me: It's okay, guys. He just doesn't get fandom. It's not his fault. He's never been much into pop culture, so it's hard for him to wrap his mind around being so darn excited about "just another movie".

You: ...That was really generous of you.

Me: I pity da fool. *snerk*

You: That's more like it.

Me: Wombat, _Age of Ultron_ isn't "just another movie". It's an EXPERIENCE. It's a big, shiny piece of the ever-growing MCU puzzle.

You: MCU?

Me: Sorry - Marvel Cinematic Universe.

You: Right.

Audience: ...We knew that.

Me: Sure you did.

Audience: Two words: Black Widow.

Me: *eyeroll* Shoulda seen that coming.

Audience: *waggles eyebrows*

You: Gross.

VO Kamren: ANYWAY.

Me: Right. Anyway, _Ultron_ isn't just watching any old movie for us comics nerds. It's... the build-up. It's all the extras they've been releasing online about behind-the-scenes shenanigans and hilarious cast interviews and hints for what's coming up in _Civil War_ and _Ragnarok_ and other MCU movies.

You: *yawns*

Audience: *thinks about the washer saddle*

VO Kamren: *fidgets*

Me: Ugh! Guys, it's all building toward the NEXT Avengers movies, which are about Thanos getting all the Infinity Stones and trying to take over the universe with the Infinity Gauntlet! All the separate superhero titles are building toward that common goal! This is... is....

You: Nerd Heaven?

Me: Yes! It's what we've all been nerding about our whole lives! Watching it build, movie by movie, is feeling like part of the story yourself, somehow. Or at least part of the people "in the know" about it.

You: So... like being in on pop culture jokes.

Me: Exactly! It's awesome to be all _AHA!_ when you see another clue or figure out the next Infinity Stone. It's awesome to feel like you're part of that adventure, ya know?

You: *nods* I can dig that. Doesn't appeal to me, personally, but I can see how it appeals to you.

Audience: We need more Black Widow. She should have her own movie.

Me: *wide-eyed* Are... are you guys being pleasingly feminist for once?

Audience: ...*shifty eyes* Yes?

Me: *unimpressed* Nice. Reeeeeeal nice.

VO Kamren: So... knowing all this comics stuff is like all the other pop culture stuff you like?

Me: Yup.

VO Kamren: Because... well... remember when you sent me that Youtube clip of that Mel Brooks Inquisition musical number?

Me: CLASSIC.

You: Right? It's so, so wrong, but so right at the same time.

Me: And so catchy! I dunno how that guy can make atrocity hilarious, but he does it.

You: Fiddly.

VO Kamren: Yeah. All that. But I saw a commercial that referenced it, and I was like, "Hey! I know that! I get that joke!"

You: Felt good, didn't it?

VO Kamren: It kinda did, yeah.

You: Felt like you were part of the conversation.

VO Kamren: For once, yeah.

Me: Felt like you were in on the joke.

VO Kamren: *nods*

Me: And that's why we like pop culture, wombat. Why I like to know a wide variety of random things, just because.

You: Why we like reciting song lyrics and why Mols quotes movie lines.

Me: Right. It's like a secret code language for cool people only--

You: Or nerds.

Me: --and when you know the code, you feel all chuffed.

Audience: Is that when you're in the washer saddle and it hits the--

Everyone Else: NO.

Audience: Shucks.

You: ANYWAY.

VO Kamren: I think I get it. So when Mols is all excited about her superhero stuff, it's because she's collecting more nerd conversation points.

Me: Well, not JUST that. I mean, I like movies for the sake of simple entertainment, too, but for a movie like _Ultron_ , there's the extra bonus of moving us forward in an overarching storyline while giving us little bonus gasms when we recognize things from the comics or from other movies in the MCU.

You: So it's win-win.

Me: Exactly.

VO Kamren: Okay. I guess I can dig that.

Me: You need to find something to nerd about, wombat. You're really missing out.

You: Or at least something to be all fannish over. I can pass on the nerd-ness, but I do like being passionate about music and the like. Gives you something to latch onto, ya know? To get excited over.

Audience: To chuff about.

Me: That is not how that's used in a sentence.

Audience: Overruled.

Me: That wasn't an objection. That was a fact.

Audience: ...Contempt of court. Bailiff, remove the demon woman.

You: And now we know the audience is fannish over court TV.

Me: Lame.

VO Kamren: So... are we done for this episode?

You: *shrug* Whatevs.

Me: I think we all learned a valuable lesson.

You: Like what?

Me: ...Nerds rule, stiffs drool?

You: I don't think the evidence supports that supposition.

Me: ...Nicely worded. Rude, but a valid argument.

You: I rest my case.

VO Kamren: ...Did... did we just courtroom?

Audience: YES. Do it again.

Me: Aaaaaannnnnnd on that note, we're done.

You: Fiddly done.

VO Kamren: And maybe Mols won't be so vibrate-y next time.

Audience: *opens mouths*

Me: I can hurt you. From here.

Audience: *closes mouths*

-FADE OUT-


	30. Episode 30

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

You: I think you ought to say something different there sometimes, wombat.

Me: ...

Audience: *yawns*

VO Kamren: But that's, like, our catchphrase.

You: Really? Welcome back to The Show?

VO Kamren: Every time I try something different, you guys say it's from some other show.

You: Because it usually IS from some other show. It's not a catchphrase if you stole it from someone else. It's... I dunno... plagiarism, I guess.

Me: ...

VO Kamren: Which is why I stick to something safe.

You: Whatever. Just get to the topic already.

Audience: Yeah. We're bored.

Me: ...

VO Kamren: Yeah, yeah. *eyes clippy thing* Looks like we're talking about--

You: Hold that thought, Annabelle.

VO Kamren: *sigh*

You: Mols?

Me: Hm?

You: You're being quiet.

Me: Oh.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: ...

You: ...So...?

Audience: *leans forward*

VO Kamren: *wads up topic list and tosses it over his shoulder*

Me: ...Nothing. Carry on.

You: Nope. Spill it.

Me: *eyeroll* Remember the whole "you're gonna be disappointed" thing?

You: Yeah?

Me: *significant look*

You: Seriously? _Age of Ultron_ , still?

Me: It's tomorrow! I can't help it!

You: *headshake* At least you're not vibrating.

VO Kamren: Yeah, no more of that.

Audience: ...We could stand to hear a little more.

You: Gross.

Me: Sweet _Firefly_ reference, but still gross.

VO Kamren: No more pop culture! I still have to catch up!

Me: No worries, Annabelle. I'm trying very hard NOT to talk about _Age of Ultron_. I'm just very excited, so it's easier to not talk at all than to try to moderate that excitement.

You: Lame.

Audience: *breathes heavily* Catwoman.

Me: *narrows eyes* Black Widow.

Audience: Same difference.

Me: Oh, my God, they are not! One is a morally dubious cat burglar who dabbles with Batman occasionally, while the other is a morally dubious super spy who could kill each and every one of you like three times before you even knew she was in the same county!

Audience: That's right. Talk dirty to us.

Me: *facepalm* They're not even the same comics line! Black Widow is Marvel and Catwoman is DC!

You: ...Why is that ringing a dim commercial bell?

VO Kamren: I was just wondering that. It sounds so familiar.

Me: *pinches bridge of nose* Hello, I'm a Mac. *different voice* And I'm a PC.

You and VO Kamren: That's the one!

Me: On the plus side, some guy on YouTube did a series of videos pairing Marvel action figures with DC action figures. They were even more funny when Batman showed up because he refused to say "I'm a DC". He'd only say, "I'm Batman". Heheheh.

You: Ho hum.

Audience: *yawns*

VO Kamren: Sounds kinda funny, I guess. Who did them?

Me: Just some random guy, if I remember right.

VO Kamren: No, I really want to know.

Me: And I'm really telling you. Unless I'm thinking of a different series, his username was [JustSomeRandomGuy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NlLeCu63HCA).

VO Kamren: ...Oh.

You: So back to the point, you're still all on fire for _Age of Ultron?_

Me: Yup. I've managed to avoid most of the spoilers -- hard to miss all of them, though -- and I just gotta make it through today and half of tomorrow. Then, it's go-time!

VO Kamren: So, are you going with Twitchy Eye Guy?

You: *pales and makes frantic "cut" gestures*

Audience: *leans forward*

Me: ...

You: Oh, shit.

VO Kamren: Um... I didn't mean... I just... you guys... so much in common and all that--

Me: No. I am not going with Mike.

You: *backs away slowly*

VO Kamren: *whimpers*

Audience: *munches popcorn*

Me: In fact, thanks to you, wombat, I haven't heard from Mike all week, and our guild is getting antsy because we were supposed to quest to the Forgotten Hills and face the Eight Hundred Tree Ogres, but noooooo. You had to be nosy and expose the poor guy, and now it's all awkward, and he's pretty much run away screaming.

You: *hides behind the audience, steals popcorn*

Audience: *shares*

VO Kamren: ...Sorry?

Me: Damn right you are.

You: Hey, Mols! _Age of Ultron_ is tomorrow!

Me: Yeah. I know. *huffs*

You: Just sayin. Better things to think about.

Me: *sigh* I know. I'm just irritated. Can't we all just get along?

VO Kamren: *opens mouth*

You: *frantically shakes head*

VO Kamren: *closes mouth*

Audience: *sighs* So... no mud wrestling, huh?

You: Oh, my God, REALLY??

Audience: *pouts*

Me: *crosses arms and glares*

VO Kamren: *pales*

You: Just... ugh. Mols, call your gamer buddy and tell him to wipe the audience again.

Me: Sooooo tempting. If he wasn't hiding from his shame, I fiddly would.

VO Kamren: Hey, this might be a good time to end this episode before things get funky.

You: Now you got a problem with funk?

Me: Right? Sheesh, wombat. Don't make us Uptown Funk you up.

Audience: Julio! Get the stretch!

VO Kamren: ...Which one of them is Julio?

You: *facepalm*

Me: *headshake* Oh, wombat.

Audience: Even we're done with this one.

You: And that's just sad.

Me: So... done?

You: Fiddly done.

VO Kamren: ...Still lost.

Me: Whatever. _Age of Ultron_ tomorrow! Eee!

You: And the squee finally escapes.

Me: Eeeeee!

You: We better go before it gets messy.

Audience: ...We could still stand to hear a little more.

VO Kamren: That's it. We're out.

Me: Eeeeeee!!

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Watched Ultron. IT WAS AMAZING. Just sayin.


	31. Episode 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers. I tried to be vague or only talk about stuff that was in the trailer or in officially pre-released information, but just in case, HERE BE AGE OF ULTRON SPOILERS. Just sayin.
> 
> BE WARNED.

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

You: Let's not even pretend that we have a topic. Hit us with it, Mols.

Me: ...

You: C'mon. We won't be able to talk about anything else until you tell us. You've literally been talking about this movie since our very first episode.

VO Kamren: She has a point.

Audience: Go on. We can take it.

Me: ...

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: ...*vibrates*....

VO Kamren: Oh, not again.

Audience: Oh, yeah! Washer saddle time!

You: Just tell us!

Me: IT WAS AWESOME! Okay??

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: I enjoyed every minute of it. I enjoyed the banter. I enjoyed the over-the-top fights. I enjoyed the quiet moments. I enjoyed the teamwork and the bickering. I LOVED everyone trying to lift Mjolnir and the look on Thor's face when Captain America actually budged it the tiniest bit.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: I loved that Ultron was like that smug teenager who just took their first philosophy class and thinks they now understand the universe better than anyone who's ever come before. I loved that Stark created Ultron in the hopes of making the Avengers obsolete so they could all just go home and live their lives instead of having to superhero. I loved that he FAILED MISERABLY. I loved that Rhodey has a hero story that usually kills but that is completely lost on Stark and Thor, so he goes and tells it to normal people to get his mojo back up.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: I just loved it, okay??

You: ...You just nerded so hard I'm pretty sure you went back in time and nerded your ancestors.

VO Kamren: Fiddly. You might have nerded OUR ancestors, while you were at it.

Audience: We're pretty sure we just nerdgasmed FOR you and we don't even know what you're talking about.

Me: Hmph. *crosses arms*

You: So was everyone else in the theatre as nerded-out as you?

Me: *unwinds a little* Yeah, actually. It was a good crowd. Heh, it's always fun when a bunch of strangers huddle up in the hallway outside the theater to talk about what just happened.

VO Kamren: Wait, you nerded with a bunch of strangers?

Audience: We're into it. *breathes heavily*

Me: Ew! Not like that! Lori, I need your pepper spray.

You: *sprays* Gotcha covered.

Me: Nicely done.

Audience: *weeps*

Me: ANYWAY, everyone was just so jazzed coming out of the theater that we overheard other conversations and kinda joined in with tidbits we'd caught here or there and pretty soon, there was a nice, big knot of us talking about the tie-ins for Civil War and Ragnarok and, of course, the Infinity Wars and all of that.

You: You're speaking nerd again.

VO Kamren: It's like it almost makes sense.

Audience: We need an interpretor.

Me: GRRR. This is why I didn't want to talk about it!

You: But you had fun?

Me: Yes. I had all sorts of fun. In fact, I tried to go again on Sunday.

VO Kamren: I thought you weren't gonna spend that much.

Me: I wasn't, but I wanted to see it again. This is why I usually wait for DVD and just buy it. *sigh*

You: So wait, you wanted to go again, but you didn't?

Me: Not my fault. I went to the theater, but they were sold out until later that evening, and I wasn't gonna just wait around. Or waste gas going all the way across town to kill time at home before coming all the way back. That's twenty minutes each way.

VO Kamren: Huh.

You: Huh, what?

VO Kamren: Just... who'da thunk?

Me: Who'da thunk what? That I'd want to see it again?

VO Kamren: No, that it'd be sold out.

You: *facepalm*

Me: Uh... everyone?

VO Kamren: ...?

Audience: *closes eyes and shakes heads*

Me: Dude. It made almost $85mil opening night here in the States. I think that's the highest-grossing domestic release ever. It made $193mil over the course of the weekend, which is the second highest-grossing opening weekend ever. Second only to the first Avengers movie, I might add, which clocked in at $207mil. And it might have overtaken that if not for the Mayweather/Pacquiao fight Saturday night.

You: Wait, what?

Me: A big pay-per-view fight that was apparently five years in the making.

You: But how did you know about it? You're not into boxing, right?

Me: *sheepish* No, but Rob is. He tweeted about it.

You: Oi.

Me: But more importantly, that fight basically broke pay-per-view and Time-Warner Cable, so yeah, the Ultron numbers fiddly took a hit on Saturday.

VO Kamren: Who won?

Me: Mayweather. Dude's a surgeon, even though he's also a tool. People were hoping Pac Man would put up a better fight, but no.

You: Seriously! How do you know this stuff??

Me: I saw it when I was looking up the box office numbers.

You: Oh, Mols. *facepalm*

Audience: Right? It's like her tangents have tangents.

Me: Anyway, wombat, I wasn't actually surprised that Ultron was sold out because the world-wide take is already sitting at $627mil, and that's just from a week. That's a lot of sold-out theaters. Everyone but you two anti-nerds have seen it.

You: Hey, we're gonna see Rob's new movie with you this weekend. What more do you want from us?

Me: Ugh! That's not a nerd movie! It's a buddy cop/rom com! It's a completely different thing!

VO Kamren: But you ARE dragging us to it.

Me: You volunteered!

You: Well, actually... I kinda volunteered him FOR him.

VO Kamren: Fiddly.

Me: Uuuuggghhhh. Whatever. Shut up. Is this episode over yet?

You: Why, so you can go see Age of Ultron again?

Me: *bluuuuuuush*

You: Mols, seriously??

Me: I can't help it! This is why I wait for DVD! I need more witty banter, dammit! Gotosleepgotosleep _gotosleep!_

You: *headshake*

VO Kamren: *headshake*

Audience: *headshake*

Me: Ugh! Just let me nerd in peace.

VO Kamren: Wait, wait.

You: Don't do it, wombat. It never works out for you.

Audience: Fiddly, dude. Do not be curious.

Me: ...

VO Kamren: ...Just... what will you look forward to now that the big movie is over?

You: You did not just.

Audience: He fiddly did just.

VO Kamren: What? What'd I do?

Me: ...*vibrates*...

You: YOU OPENED THE FLOODGATES. Run!

Audience: *ducks and covers*

Me: ...Are you kidding me?? This year alone, there's still Crimson Peak in October, Jurassic World, and a Poltergeist remake. Or a continuation? I'm not honestly sure, but it has Sam Rockwell in it, and he's awesome, so I'm in.

You: We can sneak out. She'd never know.

Audience: *huddles to wait out the storm*

VO Kamren: I... I didn't... how could I know...?

Me: And 2016? 2016 will be off the chain! There's Deadpool in February, Civil War in May -- they're filming both of those right now, actually. Not to mention Warcraft, which I've been talking about almost as long as Age of Ultron because Rob's in it.

You: *makes frantic gestures toward the exit*

Audience: *nods and tries to inconspicuously evacuate*

VO Kamren: I didn't... I just....

Me: And 2017 has the Pacific Rim sequel and Dr. Strange. And they'll be gearing up for the first Infinity Wars movie, which comes out in 2018.

You: *gestures at the lights and camera*

Lights: *dim in fear*

Camera: *whirs to a confused, frightened stop*

Me: And that's not even getting into whether or not FOX picks up Rob's Frankenstein show. There's just SO MUCH good stuff in the works--

You: We blame you, wombat.

Audience: Fiddly.

Lights: *flash agreement*

Camera: *sputters indignantly*

VO Kamren: I just... yeah. Yeah, that one's on me. Shall we...?

You: YES. OUT. NOW.

Me: --Black Panther movie in 2018, too! And at some point, I betcha Cap's gonna get offed and have to hand off the shield, and it's a toss-up between Bucky Barnes taking over or Sam Wilson, and that's gonna be REALLY interesting to--

-FADE OUT-


	32. Episode 32

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome ba--

Me: --and don't even get me started on the Inhumans. I don't know enough about what they're going for there to speak intelligently on the subject, other than that Marvel can't get the movie rights on the X-Men to bring in the mutants, but seriously? Planning all the way out to 2019, Marvel? Please tell me that Galactus will show up at some point, because really, after Thanos, there's just not a big enough threat--

VO Kamren: Whoa.

You: You did this, Annabelle. Are you happy now?

Audience: For shame, sir.

VO Kamren: I didn't know she'd STILL be going! Who even knows all this stuff??

Me: --and God only knows if they're really aiming for a Phase 4 because, seriously, they're being pretty ambitious planning a second Fantastic Four reboot movie when the first pair sucked so bad and the first reboot one isn't even out yet, and they can only rely on the Avengers to buoy those smaller franchises for so long. *takes a breath*

Audience: Gag her! It's our only chance!

You: Wait, wait. Mols? You done?

Me: *gulps water* Think so. Whew. That was one heck of an info dump.

Audience: Did she just take a nerdshit?

VO Kamren: Hey!

Me: Honestly, I kinda might have. Sorry, guys.

You: It's okay. It was Kamren's fault.

Me: True dat.

VO Kamren: Wait, what??

You: So, are you done nerding?

Me: For now, yeah. I'm tempted to launch into a meta discussion of how crappy the internet makes fandom sometimes because there's been so much hate for Joss Whedon -- who is a fandom god, for cryin out loud -- over this or that in Ultron, and I really don't get it because I think people are just looking for reasons to hate on something so many people enjoy, but I'll spare us.

You: I thought people were pretty much in a nerdy lovefest over this one?

Me: We are. Just... there's always that extremely vocal minority that tries to make people feel guilty about loving something that is pure entertainment. "Oh, this part is sexist/racist" or "Ugh! That one is so out of character!" or "Geez, can't we get some introspection here??" or whatever. It's frustrating, and it makes online fandom kinda difficult sometimes.

You: I'm glad I don't do any of that. I'd just have to slap people.

VO Kamren: Or pepperspray them.

Audience: *reflexively cringes*

Me: I mean, have you guys absolutely loved something that it seems like other people unreasonably hated on?

You: THE CLEVELAND SHOW.

Me: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience:...

You: Sorry. Just... wanted to get that in there. I love that show, but everyone hated it and now it's gone.

Me: ...Sorry? I honestly didn't watch an episode.

You: You don't watch TV.

Me: I know. Was just trying to show solidarity.

You: ...Thanks. I guess.

Me: What about you, wombat?

VO Kamren: ...I dunno. I can't really think of anything.

You: Shocking.

Me: This is my shocked face.

Audience: Ours, too.

VO Kamren: *sigh*

Me: Seriously, wombat. You HAVE to be passionate about something. Just... please, God, don't say Twilight.

You: You know, I did read those books, and I did enjoy them.

Me: La la laaaa, I'm not listening.

You: UGH.

VO Kamren: No, not Twilight. I guess... maybe... Lie to Me? Did any of you guys watch that?

You: Annabelle, everyone loved that show. That's fiddly not one that you loved but everyone else hated.

VO Kamren: But it didn't last very long.

You: Thems the breaks.

Me: Which is why I don't watch a lot of TV. Hate to get attached to a show that's summarily dumped for no reason. RIP, Firefly. *sniffles*

Audience: Isn't that show like 10 years old by now?

Me: THE WOUND WILL NEVER HEAL. And it's 13. *sigh*

You: And you also hate commercials.

Me: And I also hate commercials.

VO Kamren: Some of them are pretty funny.

Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK.

Audience: *whips out the popcorn*

You: Really, wombat? You can't think of a single show you're passionate about, but you'll defend commercials?

Me: ...Ya know....

You: Know what?

Me: ...That almost fits the question. I mean, EVERYONE hates commercials, and here Kamren is defending them.

You: ...Whoa.

Audience: ...Mind blown.

VO Kamren: ...Uh....

Me: ...

You: ...So, Mols.

Me: Yeah?

You: Last time, you said you were gonna see Ultron again Sunday but it was sold out. I know you well enough to know--

VO Kamren: Really? We're just changing the subject? We're not gonna talk about my favorite com--

You: --you didn't go all the way across town just to turn around and go home. So... what'd you do instead?

VO Kamren: RUDE.

Me: Good question. I dropped into Vintage Stock, since it's right there, and picked up Season One of Quantum Leap.

You: Nice!

Me: Right? I call that at least a tie, if not a solid win. Plus, I'll fiddly see Ultron again sometime this week. Hopefully, the theaters won't be so packed when it's not the weekend.

You: Fiddly.

VO Kamren: C'mon, guys! Everyone loved the Budweiser frogs!

You: Oh, wombat.

Me: *headshake*

Audience: Dude, let it go.

Me: And this is US saying that.

You: So... good episode?

Me: Felt pretty solid.

VO Kamren: *grumbles and kicks a rock*

Audience: Needed more sex.

Us: *waits for it*

Audience: ALWAYS needs more sex. *sigh*

You: ANYWAY.

VO Kamren: Whatever. Let's just go.

Me: Wait!

You: What?

Me: I have one more all-important, pertinent, nerdtastic thing to say.

You: And what's that?

Me: *smile* May the Fourth be with you.

You: *headshake*

Audience: *gets up and walks out*

VO Kamren: I don't get it.

Lights: *abruptly go out*

Camera: *sputters*

Me: Fiddly worth it.

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahem. I... kinda went and saw it again tonight. Don't judge me. Loved it a second time.


	33. Episode 33

VO Kamren: Welcome back to The Show! Where we're absolutely not gonna nerd today!

You: Such an optimist.

Me: *sigh*

VO Kamren: No, seriously. We're gonna talk about something else entirely.

Audience: Suuuuuuuuure.

You: Right? Because Mols was disturbingly quiet during our text conversation last night, and I'm thinking it's because she probably went to see that movie again.

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: ...*sigh* Yeah. I did.

You: Uh-oh. Did you not enjoy it a second time?

Me: Hm? Oh, no, I absolutely enjoyed it the second time. I could focus on other aspects than the plot and really appreciate the set-up and anticipate the best jokes and such. It was good times, and I'm fiddly glad I went again.

VO Kamren: Then... why the sighing?

You: And the puppy eyes?

Audience: And the... just... droopiness?

You: *raises eyebrows*

Audience: You already mentioned puppy eyes, so "hang-dog" sounded redundant.

You: ...Granted.

Me: *sigh*

VO Kamren: Mols?

You: You're really bummed, aren't you?

Me: I just hate people sometimes. Fans, in particular.

Audience: *trembles*

Me: Not you guys. At least, not unless any of you were in on the Joss Whedon hate that almost certainly contributed to his decision to delete his Twitter feed yesterday while I was la-dee-dah-ing at my second Ultron viewing.

You: That doesn't sound good.

Me: It isn't. Honestly, he said himself weeks ago that he only started a Twitter account to promote one of his lesser-known movies and that he probably wouldn't keep it long because he's taking a big break after the Ultron press tour, but he's received... just... an AVALANCHE of death threats and "why don't you commit suicide" hate, mostly from so-called feminists, over Age of Ultron, and I'm beyond sick of people who apparently hate joy.

VO Kamren: I don't even know what to say.

Audience: This episode isn't as fun as usual.

Me: Sorry, guys. That's why I was sighing instead of venting. I'm just appalled by the irony of one of the game-changers in Hollywood -- the guy who actually gave us badass female characters to hold up as a template for how the rest of Hollywood should do it -- being henpecked off the reservation by feminists who apparently are immune to the hypocrisy of their actions.

You: *sigh*

VO Kamren: *sigh*

Audience: *sigh*

Me: *sigh*

VO Kamren: ...We need to bring this episode back up. Lori? Anything?

You: Um... hey! Anybody seen Ryan Phillipe lately?

VO Kamren: ...Who?

Me: *headshake* Oh, Lori.

Audience: *grumbles* Not ANOTHER one.

You: Because, seriously, he is lookin good.

Me: Isn't he, like, 40?

You: Don't care. He has aged like fine wine. He's got that show, Secrets and Lies, and I am ADDICTED.

Audience: Didn't he use to be a pretty boy?

You: You're just jealous because now, he's a pretty MAN.

VO Kamren: Fiddly lost right now. And strangely okay with that.

Me: Wait, wait, wait. Didn't he do a short stint on WWE Raw? Why am I thinking that?

You: He did! It was a promotion for that dumb movie, MacGruber.

Me: No way! He was in that?

You: Yyyeeeaaaaahhhh... not one of his best ideas, but hey. It got him on one of your nerd shows.

Me: WWE isn't a nerd show!

VO Kamren: To be fair, YOU like it, and you've nerded so hard these last three episodes that I'm pretty sure it caused a disturbance in the Force.

Me: ...Whoa. Kamren, I'm actually kinda proud of you right now.

You: Me, too, wombat. That was... pretty fluent nerdspeak.

VO Kamren: ...Thanks?

Audience: As long as we're not talking about the rotten grape juice guy.

You: *eyeroll* Fine. Wine.

Audience: Same difference.

Me: Hey! Someone asked Rob about his TV pilot at the premier last weekend, and he said he hoped to hear something this week. That's fun, right?

You: Um, sure.

Me: Dude. He said he's basically playing himself - a cranky old curmudgeon trapped in a 30-something's body. I would watch that for approximately ever.

You: Oh, Mols.

Me: Whatever. I want that TV show. And I'm glad you guys don't hate joy.

You: *armchucks* There's still hope for fandom, Mols.

Me: Yeah, yeah.

VO Kamren: So... did we salvage this one?

Audience: Rotten. Grape juice.

You: *brandishes pepper spray*

Audience: *eeps*

You: Yeah, think we did.

VO Kamren: And everyone's in a better mood?

Me: Surprisingly, yeah. I should probably stay off tumblr for a while or block some people, but otherwise, yeah.

You: I'm good. I'm thinking about Ryan Phillipe.

Audience: WE ARE NOT OKAY WITH THIS.

VO Kamren: So we're all good. Good teamwork, guys!

Me: And Ultron really was just as good the second time around. Will fiddly be buying it when it comes out.

You: And you've officially started your Quantum Leap collection, which I'll be borrowing as soon as you're ready to start lending.

Me: Of course.

VO Kamren: Nice. I feel really good about this episode, guys.

Audience: We don't!

VO Kamren: So that's it for today! Join us next time when we talk about God only knows what!

You: And that about sums up the whole show, right there.

Me: Right? *happy sigh* Good times, good times.

Audience: We still need to talk about this schmuck--

-FADE OUT-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update as of 2017, the year where, instead of all your heroes dying, they're all just dead to you: yes, I'm aware that Joss Whedon has apparently been a misogynistic douche all along and only wrote "empowered" women as a way to further objectify them. I hate it.
> 
> Still not cool with anonymous online death threats and inductions to suicide, but I will no longer be defending Joss Whedon's choices. Live and learn.


	34. Episode 34

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show!

You: *mutters*

Me: *twitches*

Audience: *shuffles like restless cattle*

VO Kamren: Well. That's promising.

You: Sorry, Annabelle. I fiddly could've slept in this morning.

Me: Yeah. *looks over shoulder with a frown*

Audience: The full moon makes us twitchy.

You: *checks phone* Uh, the full moon was Monday.

Audience: IT LINGERS.

You: *wide-eyed*

VO Kamren: Ooooookay. What say we do a topic, guys?

You: Hit us with it, wombat.

Me: Yeah, sure. *eyes flick around the room*

VO Kamren: So, today's topic is....

You: ...?

Me: ...*fidgets and looks around the room again*

Audience: ...*leans forward*

VO Kamren: ...Huh. Sorry. I usually get interrupted. *eyes clippy thing* I guess the topic is favorite horror movies. Mols oughtta get a kick out of this one.

Me: Yeah, yeah. *shifts in chair to put back toward the corner*

You: I know what you did last summer.

VO Kamren: *raises eyebrows* You do? That's... kinda random. And I'm not sure even I can remember what I--

You: No, the movie. _I Know What You Did Last Summer_. *happy sigh* It had Ryan Phillipe in it.

VO Kamren: Is that the only reason you liked it?

You: ...Maybe.

VO Kamren: *headshake* Sheesh.

Me: Of course. *eyes each member of the audience individually*

VO Kamren: Well, I personally liked _The Conjuring_. When they looked up and the witch was on top of the wardrobe and jumped off at them? Man, I about climbed out of my seat!

You: Oh, wombat.

Audience: No, we gotta go with him this time. That was scary as hell.

VO Kamren: Right?? And that creaky-rope sound every time the witch was around?

Audience: Don't remind us!

Me: Absolutely. *eyes the rafters and between the lights*

VO Kamren: And then during the exorcism, when--

You: Hold up, wombat.

VO Kamren: --the chair goes all... hm?

You: Mols?

Me: Yeah, fiddly. Whatever works. *looks under table*

You: Mols?

Me: I agree. *eyes the audience again*

You: *grabs Me by the arm* MOLS.

Me: *blinks and focuses* Yeah? What?

You: The heck is wrong with you?

Me: *shifty eyes* ...Nothing?

VO Kamren: Now that she mentions it, you do seem a little... crawly in your skin.

Me: *huddles and drops eyes to the table* It's nothing, guys. You'll just think I'm crazy.

Audience: Too late.

You: Hey!

Audience: Oh, don't act like you weren't thinking it.

You: You beat me by ONE SECOND.

Audience: Heheheh.

VO Kamren: Guys? Focus?

Me: Seriously. It's nothing. I just....

You: You just...?

VO Kamren: Please tell me this isn't some new form of nerding over _Age of Ultron_?

Me: *weak smile* No. I'm content to wait for DVD after seeing it twice. It's not that.

You: Then what?

Me: *groans and hides face in hands* Do you guys ever feel like you're... maybe... caught in the crosshairs?

VO Kamren: ...Is that a euphamism?

You: *thwaps him*

VO Kamren: Ow! What?

Me: Ha, no. Like a gun scope. Like you're about to get sniped without even knowing someone's aiming at you.

VO Kamren: ...Okay, that's disturbing.

Audience: *cowers and tries to look everywhere at once*

You: What brought this on, Mols?

Me: I don't know! I just... for the last day or so, anytime I'm out and about, I feel like... God, it's so STUPID.

You: What, like we're talking Geneva conventions and climate change--

VO Kamren: Oo! Can we talk about that next time?

You: --and socioeconomic politics and the development of the universe here? Stupid is kind of our thing.

Me: *sigh* I know. I just... it feels like I'm being... watched. Followed. SURVEILLED.

You: ...Like... creepy stalker?

Me: *reluctant headshake* More like... hunted.

You: ...Okay, that's not good.

VO Kamren: But it's just a feeling, right? Nothing to get creeped out over?

Me: *groans and hides face again*

You: I don't like this. *shifts in seat, nervously eyeing the room*

Audience: *trembles*

VO Kamren: Wait.

Me: ...?

You: ...?

Audience: ...?

VO Kamren: Wait, wait, wait. This is Mols we're talking about.

You: Yeah, and?

VO Kamren: It's MOLS. This is probably some big, elaborate prank she's pulling on us.

You: *eyes Me*

Me: *headshake* I swear this isn't a prank. Seriously. I am so weirded out right now that I don't know WHAT to think, but it's fiddly not a prank. At least, it's not MY prank.

You: Hey, don't look at me. I don't have the resources to follow you around or to hire someone to do it for me. Wombat?

VO Kamren: Really? Me?

You: ...No, you're right. You don't have it in you. *eyes the audience*

Audience: *raises hands innocently* We wouldn't poke at the demon.

Me: ...That, I believe.

You: Yeah. They're pretty convinced you're a spawn of Satan, so you're probably safe from them. But if not any of us... who?

Me: I don't know. I've been racking my brains, and I got nuthin. And no tangible proof, other than that I seem to be seeing the same electric blue Dodge Avenger an awful lot lately.

You: That's a very specific color.

Me: Right? I mean, there are plenty of Dodge Avengers out there -- I'm tempted to make a joke about them assembling, but I'm just too weirded out to manage it -- but electric blue? I've only ever seen one of those around here, and that was years ago when I was looking for a car myself. It's just not that popular a color anymore.

VO Kamren: Okay, really? You guys are starting to freak me out. Are you sure you're not just buying into the spirit of the topic?

Me: What's the topic?

VO Kamren: *glares* Seriously?

Me: I WAS BUSY WITH RECON.

VO Kamren: *headshake* I pity the fool who's surveilling you, O Paranoid One.

You: Right?? That's another point. Who the heck would dare to follow around the woman with 32 survival plans ready at a moment's notice?

Me: Forty-four, actually.

You: ...?

Me: I added a couple after the aliens, then another couple after the Shadowclave thing. You have to be tactically flexible if you want to survive an unspecified apocalypse.

You: *closes eyes and shakes head*

VO Kamren: ...So you really think you're being followed?

Me: My rational brain tells me no. Every single instinct I've ever had tells me yes. You guys haven't noticed anything different?

You: Nope. And I'm pretty paranoid myself.

VO Kamren: Nothing.

Audience: We're scared.

You: You're ALWAYS scared.

Audience: ...Shaddup. Rude.

You: But true.

Audience: .......SHADDUP.

Me: ...*sigh* Okay. For now, I'll just chalk it up to the full moon and try to let it go until I have some evidence.

You: And be a little more careful about locking your door and such?

Me: Fiddly.

You: We should probably brush up on our emergency codes, too. Just in case.

Me: Amen to that, Natalie.

You: Exactly, Roberta.

VO Kamren: ...?

Audience: ...?

You: Never mind. WE get it.

VO Kamren: Now I'm even MORE twitchy.

You: So... episode over?

VO Kamren: Well, Mols never did tell us her favorite horror movie, but since--

Me: Wait, THAT'S the topic! Oh, don't get me started! I freakin LOVE horror movies!

You: *facepalm*

VO Kamren: *facepalm*

Audience: *facepalm*

Me: I mean, are we talking classic horror or modern horror? Because those are two very different genres. And some sci fi should probably count as horror, too. And then there's the religious-type horror stuff that more makes me uncomfortable than actually scared, but that aversion could probably count as--

You: Wombat?

VO Kamren: Yes?

You: Why do you never, ever listen?

VO Kamren: ...I got nuthin.

Me: --and what about movies that haven't even come out yet? Because, seriously, I am SO stoked about _Crimson Peak_ , which comes out in October. The bits I've already seen have such a CREEPINESS to them, and it's Guillermo del Toro, who is just a MASTER at playing with your emotions--

You: Never mind. Let's just... *gestures*

VO Kamren: Yeah. While she's distracted. *gestures at the exit*

Audience: *tiptoes out after them*

Me: --and are we counting classic kaiju movies as horror, even though they're not really scary and are probably more sci fi than horror but, seriously, MONSTERS? And what about--

Lights: *go out*

Me: ...Guys? GUYS??

Camera: *winds down*

Me: ...Rude. Seriously. I _just said_ I'm feeling all creeped out and followed, and they abandon me in a dark building. Nice, guys. Reeeeal nice.

-floor creaks-

Me: ...That's all for today, folks. I'm out.

-FADE OUT-


	35. Episode 35

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Show, everyone!

You: 'Sup.

Me: Yeah, yeah. Don't rub it in.

VO Kamren: Still feeling hunted, I'm guessing?

Me: Actually, no, and that's kinda worse.

You: How is that worse?

Me: Because it makes me think whoever was following me watches The Show, and they haven't given up but just went more covert because I called them out on it.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: _YEAH_.

You: How do you always do that?

Me: What?

VO Kamren: Make everything more terrifying?

Audience: *huddles together like Scooby and Shaggy*

Me: It's not me this time! It's the situation!

You: Still. Creepy.

VO Kamren: Fiddly creepy.

Audience: G-g-g-g-g-ghost!!

Me: *eyeroll* Drama queens.

You: ANYWAY, so I'm guessing you haven't seen the electric blue Dodge anymore?

Me: Caught a glimpse of it on my way home yesterday, but since then? Nope. I tried to keep an eye on faces at Wal-mart, too, but... it's Wal-mart. It's just too many people, and OF COURSE you'll see the same person in more than one place. You can't really attach any significance to that unless they're actually watching your every move.

You: And no one was?

Me: I don't think so.

VO Kamren: Hey, maybe it's that crazy fan from the first season who wanted to kill you guys in your sleep.

You: ...

Me: ...

Audience: ...Dude.

You: Right? I mean, is that supposed to be comforting?

Me: I am SO glad we don't do write-ins anymore.

VO Kamren: *looks guilty, wads up top sheet from clippy thing, throws it over his shoulder*

You: ...Really?

VO Kamren: It sounded like a good idea at the time.

Me: *headshake*

You: Anyway... so what were you doing at Wal-mart, Mols? I thought you avoided that place like the plague?

Me: Oh, I do. But I was buying a windowbox and some annuals for my kitchen window. I miss my stevia and curly parsley, so I decided to bring in a splash of color. And some mint. And some basil. *drools* I love fresh basil.

VO Kamren: Sounds kinda nice, actually. I didn't know you had a green thumb.

You: Geez, Kamren.

VO Kamren: What? I just... she doesn't seem like the type to coddle something along, ya know? She's always saying she doesn't have a heart, and plants take care and attention, right?

You: Seriously. RUDE.

Audience: But true?

You: ...Still rude.

VO Kamren: Sorry, Mols, but I really thought you'd have a brown thumb. Or, like, not bother with plants at all.

Me: Honestly? Sometimes I have, like, the opposite of a brown thumb. Like I CAN'T kill a plant, even if I'm trying.

VO Kamren: *wibbles* Why would you want to kill a plant?

Audience: We can see it.

You: Shoosh! Rude!

Me: If you've ever had one of those leafy vine-type plants -- a philodendron, maybe? -- where it just keeps growing and growing and extending feelers out and you have to keep wadding it up around the stake to keep it from stretching across your entire house? You'll know why I tried to kill a plant.

You: The heck were you feeding it?

Audience: Small children?

Me: ...I choose not to answer.

You: Mols--

Me: KIDDING. I wasn't feeding it anything, and I was only watering it, like, once a week, and it just kept GROWING.

VO Kamren: So you tried to kill it?

Me: Sort of. I just stopped watering it. And moved the giant pot to somewhere that never got any sun.

You: Why didn't you just uproot it? That sounds like a slow, horrible death, even for a plant.

Audience: It sounds like the start of a horror movie about a hostile plant takeover.

Me: ...Story idea. Hold that thought. *whips out notebook and scribbles*

You: Nice. Real nice.

Audience: Not our fault!

VO Kamren: But what happened to the plant?

Me: *jots down a few more things* Hm? Oh, well, it took a while, but I finally had it down to one tiny, yellow, fragile little leaf, and I was just about to toss the whole thing outside in triumph when....

You: *leans forward*

VO Kamren: *leans forward*

Audience: *leans forward*

Me: ...when Dave came over, saw that poor, valiant little leaf, AND WATERED IT.

You: Hosnap.

Me: Right?? The whole freakin plant was back in like a week, and I finally just put it outside for winter to kill it off.

VO Kamren: And did it die?

Audience: *gnaws fingers*

Me: Yup. Worked like a charm. But it seriously took me the better part of a year to kill that plant. So I'm not too worried about my windowbox. They're all annuals (except one marigold I couldn't resist), so they should bloom and bust by September. No fuss, no muss.

You: Nice. So your place probably smells a lot more like an opium den than it did before, huh?

VO Kamren: Wait, what?

Me: *eyeroll* It doesn't smell like an opium den. It's scented oil, for crying out loud!

You: Fiddly an opium den. And now, an opium den with flowers.

Me: UGH.

VO Kamren: Well, I think it's nice. I hope your plants do well, Mols.

Me: Thank you! I can't wait until I can start picking basil and tossing it into my cooking.

You: Or tossing fresh mint leaves into your tea.

Me: That, too.

Audience: Wait, wait. So... you put a windowbox in your kitchen window.

Me: I believe that was the gist of the story, yeah.

Audience: ...Which means you'll have to leave the blinds up so the plants can get some sun.

Me: ...

You: ...Uh-oh.

VO Kamren: ...Um....

Audience: Which means your creepystalker can look right into your kitchen.

Me: *weak voice* Through a big pile of flowers?

Audience: NOT ENOUGH.

Me: *wails* You're right! It's not enough! What was I thinking??

You: Mols, calm down! *throws the stink-eye at the audience* You said yourself that you didn't feel followed anymore!

Me: But I still feel like I'm in the crosshairs! I just have less proof of it!

VO Kamren: Hey, maybe we shouldn't talk about this anymore.

You: I'll second that. Episode over?

Me: *headdesks repeatedly*

You: Mols, no! Bad! You'll give yourself a headache!

Me: ...Too late. Ow.

You: *glares at audience* I blame you.

Audience: *eeps* We were just trying to help!

VO Kamren: Failed. MISERABLY.

You: Fiddly.

Me: *muffled, due to face being squished against the table*

VO Kamren: Yeah, I didn't catch any of that, but we're gonna call it a day.

You: Good call. We're out. C'mon, Mols. We'll walk you to your car.

Audience: We're sorry?

You: Not accepted!

Audience: *shuffles sheepishly*

Lights: *dim*

Us: *exit*

Audience: *sits in the dark*

-floor creaks-

Audience: *shrieks and runs away*

-FADE OUT-


	36. Episode 36 - PART 1

VO Kamren: Hello, and welcome back to The Sh-- where's Mols?

You: Not here yet.

VO Kamren: ...That's kinda weird, right?

You: ...Now that you mention it, yeah. It kind of is.

Audience: Maybe she was banished from this mortal plane back to her demonic realm of pain and terror?

You: Rude.

VO Kamren: Fiddly rude.

You: *checks phone* No text. Hm. She usually texts if she's gonna be late somewhere. Because she freakin HATES being late.

VO Kamren: Right?

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

You: ...I don't like it.

VO Kamren: I don't, either. But maybe she's just late and she hasn't texted because she's stuck in traffic.

You: Maybe. *fidgets* I just... with the whole "I feel like I'm being followed" thing....

VO Kamren: Don't even think like that.

Audience: Seriously. Don't. Do you really want to think about anything diabolical enough to take on the Cursed One?

You: ...Actually, I'd kinda want to see that.

VO Kamren: ...Darn it. Now I do, too.

You: Right?? Talk about your epic smackdown. We could sell it on pay-per-view!

Audience: ...Okay, since you put it that way.

You: *fidgets with phone* I'd just feel a lot better if she'd sent a text. Was she at work this morning?

VO Kamren: ...Ya know... now that you mention it, I'm not sure.

You: Annabelle!!

VO Kamren: Hey! Sometimes she's too busy to stop by or I'm too busy to really talk! Not my fault!

You: Now I'm freaking out! Did she call in?

VO Kamren: I'm not in that department. I don't get the "who's out sick" email.

You: Ugh!

Audience: Does she have a phone at her desk?

You: Duh.

Audience: Don't give us that look, Panic McFreaksalot. Just call her and see if she answers.

VO Kamren: ...That's... not a bad idea, actually.

You: Fine. *dials and mutters* Aaannnddd... extension 666.

Audience: Wait. Wait wait wait.

You: *eyerolls with phone to ear* Yes, her extension is 666.

Audience: *opens mouth*

VO Kamren: No, she didn't pick it. It was assigned.

Audience: THEY KNEW.

You: *eyeroll*

VO Kamren: Anything?

You: It's just ringing and ringing. She doesn't have voice mail, right?

VO Kamren: Right.

You: Wait, she's ans-- Mols? Oh. Is she there?

Audience: *raises eyebrows at Kamren*

VO Kamren: *shrugs*

You: Has anyone seen her? I'm starting to get a little-- she didn't? Oh. No, I haven't. I thought I might.

VO Kamren: *gnaws fingers*

You: Okay. Okay. Yeah, if I hear anything, I will. Okay. Okay, bye. *hangs up*

VO Kamren: Well??

Audience: Well??

You: She didn't show up at work this morning and didn't leave a message saying why.

VO Kamren: ...Okay, that does not happen.

You: Well, there was that one time she overslept.

VO Kamren: Right, right. And you went over there to check on her and she wasn't wearing any pants.

You: Heheh.

Audience: ...Tell us more.

You: Gross! That used to be a funny story!

VO Kamren: But now... ew.

Audience: ...Curiosity boner.

You: *peppersprays them*

Audience: *weeps* Worth it!

VO Kamren: So are you going over there?

You: I think I'd better. I really, really don't like this, and-- *phone buzzes* Huh.

VO Kamren: What?

You: I don't know this number.

Audience: Don't answer it!

You: It's a text, stupids.

Audience: ...Oh. Rude.

You: *eyeroll*

VO Kamren: What's it say?

Audience: Maybe it's a ransom demand.

You: *reads* "It's me."

VO Kamren: Who?

Phone: *buzzes*

You: *reads* "MOLS."

VO Kamren: Wait, why is she texting from an unknown number?

Phone: *buzzes*

You: *reads* "Because I swiped Mike's phone while he thought I was still unconscious."

Audience: Okay, that's just spooky. We thought she said she wasn't psychic.

VO Kamren: Slightly more important things to worry about here. Like... WHY WAS SHE UNCONSCIOUS? And... uh... who is Mike?

Phone: *buzzes*

You: *reads* "Twitchy Eye Guy, dammit!" Okay, that really is spooky. She should not know us this well.

Phone: *buzzes*

You: *reads* "Bumped into him in line at Starbucks, and that sumbitch slipped a mickey in my venti Earl Grey tea latte, and now I think I'm in Annabelle's basement." Um...

VO Kamren: ...I... uh... *texts*

Audience: ...*whispers* Awkward.

Phone: *buzzes*

You: *reads* "I'm literally shackled to a wall. There's an altar or some kind of torture table in the middle of the room with restraints. A barrage of whips and sharp, pointy things. Either I'm in Annabelle's basement, or I have a real problem here."

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

You: ...Please tell me you texted your parents to ask them to check the basement.

VO Kamren: ...Mom texted back that they just came up from the basement and no one was there.

Audience: So you have a restraint table in your--

Phone: *buzzes*

VO Kamren: Saved by the bell.

You: *reads* "Not kidding, Natalie and Amos. I am literally shackled to a wall."

VO Kamren: ...She used our code names.

You: ...This... can't be happening. Why the hell would Twitchy Eye Guy--

Phone: *buzzes*

You: *reads* "He did the typical supervillain over-explaining speech as he locked me in. He's pissed that I shunned him and that you guys humiliated him, so he's hiding me until the execs decide I rabbited and kill you two in retaliation. Then, he'll let me go right outside the building so they'll kill me, too." HEY.

VO Kamren: Not cool. SO not cool.

Audience: ...What about us?

Phone: *buzzes*

Audience: ...You can just not read that one. We don't want to know.

You: *reads* "The audience will be euthanized and replaced along with us."

Audience: WE DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW.

You: But we did.

VO Kamren: Fiddly.

Audience: RUDE.

You: *texts back* But what about the Shadowclave? Is he trying to take the whole world down with us?

VO Kamren: ...Good question. Kinda forgot about them.

You: Eh, Mols mentioned them the other day. Said she was pawing through the info she'd grabbed last time she snuck into the execs' offices because it made for good reading. Otherwise, I would have, too.

Phone: *buzzes*

You: *reads* "He doesn't believe in them, but he knows the execs have killed before. I think I can get my hand free. Gimme a sec."

Audience: Uh-oh.

You: Right?? If she gets loose, she's gonna go 50 Shades of Apeshit on that guy.

VO Kamren: Not like he won't deserve it.

You: Annabelle, that is the most uncompromising, least pacifist thing I've ever heard you say.

Audience: We're actually kinda proud.

VO Kamren: He's trying to get us assassinated. He deserves what he gets.

Audience: Also, nicely done on the 50 Shades thing.

You: Right? It seemed appropriate, given her location. I'll have to remember to tell Mols later.

Audience: She'll be so proud.

VO Kamren: ...I don't get it.

Phone: *buzzes*

You: *reads* "He's coming back. I'm erasing these texts. DO NOT TEXT BACK. I'll be there ASAP."

VO Kamren: I like how she's not really concerned about the whole "freeing herself and getting out of the torture dungeon alive" thing.

You: She probably has, like, five contingency plans for exactly this situation.

Audience: We never thought we'd say this, but... we're glad she's so scary.

VO Kamren: It fiddly has its uses.

You: How long should we wait?

VO Kamren: What else can we do? I mean, we could call the cops, but where would we send them?

You: Grrrrrr. I do not like this! There has to be something we can--

     -door kicks in-

     -three business-suited strangers stroll in, handguns drawn-

Stranger #1: Nobody move.

You: Who the hell are you??

Stranger #2: That's moving. Stop it.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Stranger #1: Better. We... are the executives.

VO Kamren: ...Oh, shit.

 

-TO BE CONTINUED-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes. 666 is my actual extension (well, with an extra number in front for four digits). No, I didn't pick it. Yes, I freaking love it because NO ONE forgets it.


	37. Episode 36 - PART 2

VO Kamren: *hands in the air* Welcome back to The Show, where we're being held at gunpoint by our bosses.

You: Ya know, when I said you should change up the intro, I didn't really mean it.

VO Kamren: *sigh* I know.

Exec #1: Still moving. Stop.

Audience: *whimpers*

Exec #2: Also moving. Good grief.

You: Can't help it. Being still is boring.

Exec #3: With a gun held to your face?

You: ...Slightly less boring, but still boring.

Exec #1: *closes eyes and pinches bridge of nose*

Exec #3: Methinks this is long overdue.

VO Kamren: *wibbles* So you really are gonna kill us?

You: I'm sorry, but is no one going to point out that he just said "methinks"?

Audience: Where's the demon spawn when we need her?

Me: *stumble-runs into the room and jolts to a halt, hands on knees, to gasp for air*

Audience: ...If we'd known the whole time we could just summon her--

You: Mols!!

Exec #2: What the hell are you doing here?

Me: *holds up one finger, continues panting*

VO Kamren: How did you get out of the torture dungeon??

Me: *stares incredulously, still gasping*

VO Kamren: Oh. Right. Carry on.

Exec #1: *can't decide where to point gun* No, really, what are you doing here? We were informed that you went AWOL.

Me: *gasps* Water. I'm seriously.

Exec #1: *eyes Exec #3 and tilts head toward the door*

Exec #3: *rolls eyes and leaves*

You: Hey, at least you still have pants, right?

Me: *weak grin, thumbs up*

Audience: Booooo.

Exec #2: *adjusts aim*

Audience: *eeps*

Exec #3: *returns with a cup of water*

Me: Thank you! *gulps the whole thing, gasps some more*

You: Better?

Me: A bit, yeah. I ran all the way here. *clamps hand over side* Ow.

VO Kamren: From...?

Me: The execs' office's basement.

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Exec #1: That's like a block away.

Me: Rude. I also had to fight Mike and escape his torture dungeon.

Exec #2: You mean the lower level conference room? The door doesn't even lock.

Me: ...Okay, first things first? Never ever invite me to a conference.

Exec #3: Chicken.

Audience: Dude, we don't recommend poking that particular hornet's nest.

Me: And second, it would've been nice to know that before I shinnied out that tiny little window and climbed an embankment.

Exec #1: Wait, wait. Mike. Is that the guy with the twitchy eye down in statistics?

You: Yes. Yes, it is. Well, I dunno about the statistics part.

Exec #1: ...We're gonna go ahead and assume.

Exec #2: Isn't he kind of a wuss?

Me: I didn't say the fight was hard. I just said I had to do it.

Exec #1: *pinches bridge of nose again* So let me get this straight--

VO Kamren: Wait, how'd you get out of the shackles? Were they, like, trick shackles or something?

Exec #1: I was talking.

You: Yeah, we interrupt a lot. Better get used to it.

VO Kamren: FIDDLY.

Audience: You have NO idea.

Me: That was the easy part, actually. Between temporarily dislocating my thumb and all the random lube lying around the torture dungeon conference room, Mike hadn't even made it back before I was out and ready to jump him at the door.

Audience: Bow chicka bow wow?

Me: Ew, no!

You: GROSS.

Exec #2: You dislocated your thumb??

Me: Eh, it just kinda does it itself, actually.

Exec #2: Handy.

Me: Heh. No pun intended?

Exec #2: *tries not to snicker*

Exec #1: AHEM.

Exec #2: ...It was a little funny.

VO Kamren: I thought it was.

You: You tell dad jokes.

VO Kamren: Dad jokes are funny!

Audience: They really aren't.

Exec #3: ANYWAY.

You: Anyway, we were just getting ready to tell these guys that you didn't voluntarily leave but were kidnapped for the specific purpose of getting us all straight-up murdered.

Exec #1: ...You were?

Me: Yup.

Exec #1: No, I mean you were really getting ready to tell us that?

Me: ...Kinda more important things in the works, dude.

Exec #2: She has a point.

Audience: She usually does. It's just usually cloaked in evil and sarcasm.

Exec #1: ...

You: *eyeroll* Yes. I was just trying to think how to word it when Mols ran in.

Exec #3: Having respiratory failure from running a whole block.

Me: Rude. I don't run unless something with mean teeth is chasing. Or my friends are in danger of being straight-up murdered by a bunch of asshats in suits.

You: Awwww.

Exec #1: Really?

VO Kamren: That's actually pretty affectionate, coming from her.

Audience: It is. Thanks, demon witch.

Exec #3: ANYWAY. Seriously, people! Is it always like a retarded circus in here?

You: *raises hand* I really don't like when people use that term in a derogatory fashion.

Exec #3: ...

Me: Unless you're talking about something that is literally retarded -- as in, slow to progress -- you're pretty much just insulting mentally challenged people. And she really, really doesn't like that.

Exec #1: We're too rich to be PC.

VO Kamren: *raises hand* At exactly what number do you reach that point? Because I think that's about the only thing that will keep my foot out of my mouth for the rest of my life.

Exec #3: Oh, my God, STOP!

Everyone else: ...

Exec #3: Slightly more important things to deal with today! We received an anonymous tip that one of The Three had gone AWOL. We showed up here ready to take matters into our own hands to prevent the Shadowclave from rising. Now, it's revealed that no one has actually gone AWOL. Have I fairly stated the events of the day?

Me: Sounds legit.

VO Kamren: *shrug* Makes about as much sense as anything else on this show.

You: Yeah, except the part about the Shadowclave rising. Because they don't exist, so you were fiddly going to kill us for nothing.

Exec #2: Fiddly?

Me: Just go with it.

Exec #3: The Shadowclave are very real, and the only thing keeping them from rising and plunging the world into nightmare is the Pact our ancestors forged in blood back--

Me: Back when Early Man was newly sprung upon the Earth. Yeah, yeah. I read all of that. But you guys don't really believe it, right?

Exec #3: *glares*

Me: Because, I mean... I think it'd be awesome if we were legitimately stopping Evil, here, but....

Exec #3: *glares*

Exec #1: *raises eyebrow*

Exec #2: *shrugs*

Me: ...Huh.

Audience: ...We're scared.

VO Kamren: You're always scared.

Audience: ...Shaddup.

You: But it's okay now, right? Because we're all three here and no one is missing, so we're fulfilling the whatever and no one needs to die. Right?

VO Kamren: Mike was just trying to get us all killed out of spite.

You: Because Annabelle here cock-blocked him.

VO Kamren: I did not!

Me: Okay, he didn't have a chance in the first place, but if he had, you would have fiddly been cock-blocking.

Exec #3: I swear to God I will muzzle the next idiot who goes off-topic.

     -silence-

Me: Why is everybody looking at me?

You: Oh, Mols. You know why.

Audience: Honestly, we're kinda looking forward to the muzzling thing. We didn't hear nearly enough about the torture dungeon.

Me: GROSS.

Exec #1: At any rate, it seems she is correct: there appears to be no need for bloodshed, as everyone is present and--

Exec #3: Where's the podium?

VO Kamren: Uh... *points*

Exec #3: That's not the original podium. Where is the one that was here when you were hired?

You: Um... we sold it to the Ghost Hunters. Is that not okay?

Exec #1: *pales* You. Did. WHAT??

Me: It concerns me that your face is doing what it's doing right now.

Audience: *trembles*

Execs: *all huddle together, voices rising and falling*

You: Mols, tell me this isn't bad.

Me: I have no idea what's happening right now. Honestly, I'm just glad I actually have on pants. For a while there, it could've gone either way.

VO Kamren: ...How...?

Me: I WAS SHACKLED TO A WALL IN A TORTURE DUNGEON.

VO Kamren: ...I forgot.

Me: *holds up lubed, scraped, swollen-knuckled hand* I didn't.

You: Ow, Mols. Do you need some ice for that?

Me: Later. I think we have more important things to worry about.

Exec #1: *stands away from the huddle* We're doomed.

You: Because of a podium.

Exec #2: Because of the ghost that haunted that podium.

Me: You mean the one you guys eternally bonded to the furniture because he tried to get away?

Exec #1: We mean the three ghosts we eternally bonded to this sacred ground because they tried to bring forth the Shadowclave and, thus, the end of humanity.

Me: ...

You: ...

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Me: ...They lied to us? *glares up at the lights* Lights ghost, you LIED??

Lights: *flicker in shame*

You: Camera ghost, not you, too!

Camera: *sputters*

VO Kamren: ...I feel so violated.

Audience: *opens mouth*

VO Kamren: And not in the good way.

Audience: Shucks.

Exec #2: They tried to summon the Shadowclave in exchange for being allowed to live freely on the planet after everyone else was gone. We stopped them and, as a punishment, bound them to this holy circle.

Me: What holy circle?

Exec #3: *waves Lori away from the table, then moves it aside*

Exec #1: *starts prying at floorboards*

Exec #2: *helps*

You: ...Okay, is it bad that we were talking about pop culture and food preferences on top of a pentagram?

Me: Whoa. That is some quality inlaying there. Is that real gold?

VO Kamren: ...I'm scared.

Audience: There's a little pee coming out of us right now.

Exec #2: Gross.

Exec #1: This is the seal that keeps the Shadowclave from entering this realm. *looks up* Beckett, have you already told Tucker that the Pact was broken?

Lights: *dim twice*

Exec #1: *sigh* Then we truly are doomed, and the seal will no longer restrain them.

Me: Wait, just because Tucker the podium ghost heard about me being a no-show?

Exec #2: The seal kept them from being able to contact their allies in the Shadowclave. Once he escaped its sphere of influence, he only had to wait for confirmation that the Pact was broken. Pretty sure he's already spread the news.

Camera: *sputters and stops rolling*

Me: It's a bit too late for apologies, camera ghost.

Exec #1: Burton.

Me: Whatever. TRAITOR.

Lights: *flash mournfully*

Me: Don't even get me started, Beckett. I thought we were bros, bro.

Lights: *dim*

VO Kamren: *wibbles* How long do we have? Is there any way we can... I dunno... stop them? Fight them? Something??

You: I mean, you're seriously talking about a world-wide event, here, right? Not just us, but everyone everywhere?

Exec #1: The Shadowclave won't stop until every soul is swallowed in darkness.

Me: Yeah, they will.

You: Mols? Where are you going?

Me: *steps over to the audience, tips the bleachers*

Audience: *collapses in a heap* Hey!

Me: Sorry. I needed to get under here. *pries up a few boards* Lori? Catch.

You: *catches* ...A super-soaker? Really?

Exec #2: Holy water! But how did you--

Me: I told you. I've been reading up. *tosses one to Kamren*

VO Kamren: *barely catches* Buh...?

You: Holy water? Really? So they really are, like, demonic beings?

Me: Nope. They're barely corporeal entities from a realm of shadow. However, they are highly allergic to the kaneh bosem used to make holy oil, so I hit up an old friend from college who went on to seminary. Unfortunately, the oil is too dense for effective super-soaker dispersal, so I asked him to dilute it with holy water and make, just, ALL of it.

Exec #2: Nicely done. Have any spares?

Me: Lemme see what's left over when I'm geared up.

Exec #2: Geared up?

You: *headshake* You have NO idea.

     -ten minutes later-

Exec #2: So you made full tactical gear for you and your friends, but you didn't bother making any spares?

Audience: We feel naked. We always thought that would be a better feeling.

VO Kamren: I feel like a badass!

You: Aww! You even did mine in blue!

Me: *fistbumps* I got your back, BGFF. If we're gonna die, we're gonna die in style. Now, everyone got a weapon?

Exec #1: I somehow feel this dime-store water pistol is a judgment.

You: It is. *adjusts shoulder straps so the gallon-size reservoir sits more easily on her back*

VO Kamren: Fiddly. *plugs hose from reservoir into super-soaker* Locked and loaded. Wow.

Me: What?

VO Kamren: It feels awesome to say that.

Me: Right??

You: So... what happens when we squirt these things with holy oil water?

Me: They'll scream unholy terror, bubble and spit, then return back to the shadow realm, unable to return for at least a hundred years.

Exec #2: *pumps super-soaker fully loaded* You really did your research.

You: Yeah, Mols. I thought you didn't believe the Shadowclave was real.

Me: A great man once said, "When you need it and don't have it, you sing a different tune."

Exec #2: Burt Gummer.

Me: Nice! *clacks gun barrels together in a modified highfive*

VO Kamren: *looks at Lori* Do you--

You: No. Not a clue.

     **-CRACK-**

Audience: *shrieks and huddles together in a corner* What was that?

Exec #1: That was the seal breaking.

Me: Huh. The gold inlay is... melting?

Exec #3: This is truly the end, then.

Me: Okay, Doomsayer McRaincloud. Should I take my water pistol back and give it to someone who actually has some balls?

Exec #3: *speechless*

VO Kamren: Okay, I get why you guys make fun of me so often. It really IS funny to see it from the other side.

You: Right? Good times, good times.

Exec #1: You all seem... disturbingly okay with all of this.

Me: We roll with the punches.

You: Are you kidding? Mols has been preparing for this moment her whole life.

VO Kamren: And we just kinda got dragged along with her. We already head-shotted the entire audience once this season alone.

Audience: Still not over that.

You: And I have to admit: it's pretty fun to nerd every now and then.

Me: That was beautiful. I'm so proud of you guys.

You: *fistbumps*

VO Kamren: *highfives*

     -room trembles-

Me: Do or die, guys. This is for saving the world. Again.

VO Kamren: For saving my family.

You: For saving my family and Nate. And Ryan.

Me: For saving my family and friends and Rob.

Exec #1: We're all gonna die, aren't we.

Me: I notice that's not a question and shall give no answer.

     -floor cracks down the middle-

     -black steam hisses up from the aperture-

Audience: *screams like little girls*

You: This is it, guys! It's now or never!

Exec #2: For our loved ones!

Exec #1: For the world!

Exec #3: For the glory!

Me: FOR PONY!

Everyone else: ...?

Me: Just roll with it!

Lights: *explode*

Camera: *falls over*

 

**-SIGNAL LOST-**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mwahahahahah!! Mine is an evil laugh!


	38. Episode 36 - PART 3

     -static-

     -chaos of shifting light and shadow in the background-

     -unholy shrieking, raspy roaring, terrified hollering-

You: *terrified* Oh, my God, they just keep coming!

Audience: *terrified* Bow chicka bow wow!

VO Kamren: *terrified* NOT THE TIME!

Exec #2: *warriorshouts*

Exec #1: This one's for my great-aunt Stella!

Me: Just keep firing! *supersoaks*

     -more unholy shrieking-

Me: Man, these things really stink when they-

VO Kamren: *terrified* NOT THE TIME!

Me: GEEZ. Wait, I have an idea--

     -SIGNAL LOST-

 

     -static-

     -chaos of shifting light and shadow in the background-

VO Kamren: Mols, stop rolling! I can't cover you when you--

Me: Shut up! It helps! I'm almost there!

You: *warcries and shoves aside disintegrating shadowbody* Quit arguing about it and do the thing!

     -unholy shrieking, guttural yowling-

Me: All he has to do is hold the damn flashlight steady!

VO Kamren: *terrified* NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS!

Exec #2: *tie wrapped around head wound, Rambo-style* With me and her covering you, it damn well should be! HOLD THE DAMN LIGHT STEADY!

Exec #1: THIS ONE'S FOR MY SECOND COUSIN'S DOG! *waterpistols*

Exec #3: I should have taken that job at the Pepsi dealership. *waterpistols*

Me: Are you kidding? Coke is INSANELY better than that syrupy nastyness.

Exec #3: Is this really the time to be discussing this? Aren't you supposed to be doing something??

Me: I multitask. *finds ladder, starts climbing*

You: She really, really does. *sprays another shadow right in the eye* Ugh. Mols, you're right. These things stink like... rotten, wet cheese and... moldy gym socks.

VO Kamren: LORI! IT'S RIGHT THERE! KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!!

You: *eyeroll* Such a whinypants, Annabelle. *kills it* There. Are you happy now?

Me: AZIZ, LIGHT!

Everyone else: *silence*

     -unholy shrieking pauses-

Me: Oh, my God, seriously? NO ONE?? Ugh. Never mind. Shine it right there, wombat. No, to the left... are you having a freaking seizure or something?

     -unholy shrieking resumes-

VO Kamren: I'M SCARED, DAMMIT.

Me: Well, cut that shit out. I need it right there.

Audience: *terrified* Bow chicka bow wow!

You: No! *peppersprays them* Bad audience!

Exec #2: How'd you do that without putting down your super-soaker?

You: Mols ain't the only one who can multitask.

     -SIGNAL LOST-

 

     -static-

     -unholy shrieking, slightly less chaotic shifting of light and shadow in the background-

VO Kamren: --because I can't reach any farther and I'm seriously gonna fall!

Me: Seriously? I'm dangling upside down from the pipes by my knees, and you're worried about falling off a ladder? JUST SHINE IT RIGHT THERE, DAMMIT.

     -unholy shrieking gets louder-

You: Guys, hurry it up! There's another wave coming!

Audience: *too terrified to perv*

Exec #2: Well, that's something anyway.

Exec #3: If it weren't for saving the rest of the world, I would have let this freakshow die like an hour ago--AAARRRRGGG!!

Me: Someone gonna do something about that?

VO Kamren: *totters on the ladder* About what?

You: About the three Shadowclave things dragging that douchey exec off toward the big crack in dimensions over there?

     -guttural yowling increases-

Exec #2: I thought that's what you were doing, Mols?

Me: Yeah, but I'm not a plumber, and I'm plumbing up here.

Exec #1: Honestly, he's kind of a wanker.

Exec #3: *still shrieking* I HEARD THAT!

Exec #1: Fine. I'll be back.

     -unholy shrieking increases, guttural yowling decreases-

You: How's it going up there, Mols?

Me: I could really use a bigger wrench.

VO Kamren: *totters on ladder* Bow chicka bow wow?

You: Really? Taking over for the audience now?

VO Kamren: Someone has to.

Audience: *huddles and whimpers in the corner*

Exec #1: Hurry it up. This isn't just a new wave.

Me: That's no moon. It's a space station!

Exec #2: Ha! I mean... oh, shit.

Me: Yeah, yeah. I'm workin on it. Just another minute--

     -SIGNAL LOST-

 

     -static-

Me: *flicks a lighter and holds it next to a sprinkler sensor*

     -sprinklers erupt-

     -unholy shrieking reaches a crescendo-

     -ungodly reek of spoiled wet cheese and ancient fungal gym socks fills the room-

You: OH MY GOD I THINK MY STOMACH IS CRAWLING OUT OF MY THROAT. *vomits copiously*

VO Kamren: *terrorvomits wordlessly*

Audience: *long since passed out from low blood pressure due to terror boners*

Me: And this is why I kept the rebreather mask on.

Exec #2: And here I thought it was just because it looked cool.

Me: Nope. But it fiddly does look cool.

Exec #2: Fiddly. *fistbumps*

Me: Wish Rob could see me like this.

Exec #2: Rob who?

You: Ha. Good luck with that.

Me: SHOOSH.

     -unholy shrieking reaches ear-splitting levels-

     -ungodly stink reaches gagsplosive stenchiness-

Exec #1: *pales to cottage cheese levels* The ancient texts never said anything about this.

Me: The ancient texts didn't know sprinkler systems would exist in a few thousand years.

You: *weakly* I think I vomited up everything I've ever eaten. I just vomited my past.

VO Kamren: *passes out*

Me: Ew. Might wanna haul him out of that puddle.

You: It's just puke.

Me: Puke and whatever funk those things spew when we holy water them.

You: ...Not like it's poisonous.

Me: ...

You: *sigh* Fine. *kick-nudges him out of the puddle* Happy now?

     -unholy shrieking finally starts to fade-

VO Kamren: *starts muttering* ...just had the strangest dream. You were there, and Nate was there, and Mols exploded some rotten woodchuck corpses using a mixture of unwashed ass and funky gym socks.

Me: Is it bad that that makes sense to me?

You: No. What's bad is that I already see how much you want to try it.

Exec #1: Later. More important things to worry about.

     -last unholy shriek tapers off like a tea kettle taken off the burner-

Exec #2: *sigh* Is that the last of them?

Exec #1: Think so. *peers over the dimensional breach in the floor* I don't sense anything else trying to climb out, and the darkness has retreated back far enough that I can actually see the basement.

Me: So... according to the ancient texts, they should all be banished for 100 years, right?

VO Kamren: *sits up and groans* UGH! Why does my face smell like the floor of a theme park porta-potty??

Exec #1: Because we won.

VO Kamren: ...We did?

Exec #2: Turns out that dumping the rest of Mols' holy oil water into the cistern really was a good plan, after all.

Me: After I had to fix the damn sprinkler system.

Exec #1: ...There's a work order for it on file.

Me: *narrows eyes* Since when?

Exec #1: ...*whips out phone, pokes at it, puts it back in pocket*...Since just now.

You: Nice timing, genius.

Exec #2: ANYWAY.

Audience: *begins to stir, twitching legs like dogs dreaming*

VO Kamren: What happened to the other exec?

Exec #1: Not sure. They dragged him into the dimensional portal. We couldn't get to him before the darkness swallowed him.

You: Is that a really poetic way of saying we messed up and got him killed?

Exec #2: Nope. The breach between dimensions acted like a mouth made out of the darkness in the shadow realm. It literally swallowed him in.

Me: Cool.

Exec #2: Right??

You: That is so wrong.

Audience: *mutters* Peanut butter jelly time.

Everyone else: *ignores them*

VO Kamren: But we won?

Exec #1: We won. And since they're now banished for 100 years, we'll have plenty of time to bolster our defenses and reseal the portal between dimensions.

Me: *raises hand* Question.

Exec #1: What?

Me: Why not just reset the seal, turn this building into, like, a water treatment plant or something, and install a working sprinkler system for this room only that's rigged up to a special holy oil water cistern? That way, the next time any Shadowclave try to come through, you can just call the game on account of BURNING ACID HOLY RAIN.

Exec #1: ...

Exec #2: ...

You: *headshake* Oh, Mols.

VO Kamren: But... that could work, right?

Exec #1: ...I think... it could?

Exec #2: Why didn't someone think of that before? I mean... this whole set-up never even needed to exist!

Audience: *sits up* Wait, are we cancelled? We're too virgin to die!

Exec #1: ...

Audience: We were saving ourselves for Lori!

You: NEVER. GONNA. HAPPEN.

Audience: *weeps* Or Kamren, if all else failed?

VO Kamren: *wide-eyed* ...Um....

Me: But seriously, if The Show was only in existence to keep the Shadowclave contained and we've come up with a better, less murder-prone way of doing that...?

You: Then... we're really not needed anymore.

VO Kamren: ...

Audience: ...

Exec #1: ...

Exec #2: ...

VO Kamren: *raises hand* I have a confession to make.

You: Really, wombat? Isn't confession time usually BEFORE you almost die?

VO Kamren: If we hadn't lived through this whole thing, it wouldn't have mattered.

Me: That makes a disturbing amount of sense.

VO Kamren: ...Thanks?

Me: Yes. It was a compliment.

VO Kamren: Oh. Good.

Audience: Awwwwwww.

You: ANYWAY. Your confession?

VO Kamren: Right! I... uh... kinda got offered another job.

You: So? I took another job a few months back, no problem.

VO Kamren: ...The job's not in town. I wouldn't be able to do The Show anymore. Not enough time to get here and back on breaks.

Me: And you didn't want to say anything because you knew we'd all get whacked if you stopped showing up.

Exec #2: It sounds really, really cold when you put it like that.

You: And yet, like two hours ago, you kicked in the door and pointed a gun at us, intending to do just that.

Exec #2: ...A lot's happened since then.

Me: Oh, so you wouldn't kill us now?

Exec #1: I would.

You: Dude. Cold.

Audience: *trembles* We're scared. Hold us, Lori.

You: OH MY GOD, STOP.

Exec #2: Take the job, kid.

Exec #1: Hey!

Exec #2: Really, Taft? The system no longer works. And even when it did, it wasn't perfect. How many trios has this organization had to off over the centuries, when we could've just done like Mols said and acid-rained any attempt at an invasion?

Me: Or you could have at least been upfront about the why of it instead of bringing people in under false pretenses and murdering them when they refused to play along.

You: Fiddly.

VO Kamren: Seriously. Not cool.

Audience: BEYOND cold.

Exec #1: We did as the ancient texts demanded.

Me: Again, the ancient texts didn't exactly take into account that technology would be a thing.

Exec #2: Sorry, Taft, but you're fired.

Exec #1: You can't fire me! I'm a senior board member!

Exec #2: *whips out gun and puts it to Exec #1's forehead*

Exec #1: Sorry. What I meant to say was "You can't fire me because I quit."

Me: Nice save.

You: Douchebag.

VO Kamren: Get this fucker outta here.

Me: *wide-eyed*

You: *wide-eyed*

Audience: *wide-eyed*

VO Kamren: ...What?

Me: Nothing, wombat. Just... proud of you.

You: Fiddly proud. Our little Annabelle's grown up.

Exec #1: *scarpers out while no one's looking*

Exec #2: And moving on to better things. Right, kid?

VO Kamren: *nods* I think I will.

Me: So this really is it. The last episode of The Show.

You: I feel like we should say something poignant.

Audience: Tell us you lo--

You: Like how romantic it is that we've saved Nate and Rob like a half-dozen times at this point.

Audience: *sigh*

Me: Hey, that's right! We saved the world again! *fistbump* And our boys by default!

Exec #2: And, if you're interested, it seems that two high-level positions have just opened in the company. We'll be taking the business in a new direction and could use some... outside-the-box thinkers.

Me: Are you offering us jobs?

You: Like... real, paying jobs?

Exec #2: And perks.

Me: ...

You: ...

Exec #2: I'm thinking R&D for Mols, there, and PR for Lori.

You: PR?

Exec #2: We need someone fabulous and social media savvy to better communicate with the public.

You: ...Oh. *blushes* Okay, yeah. I can do that.

Me: Just make sure her office has its own bathroom.

You: I DO NOT PEE THAT MUCH.

Me: *snerk*

You: Well, you better make sure Mols' lab exceeds every fire code in existence.

Audience: And is demon-proof.

VO Kamren: And bullet-proof.

Me: ...

You: What, you're not gonna argue?

Me: Are you kidding? If I haven't blown it up at least once by lunch the first day, I'm just not trying hard enough.

Exec #2: *chuckles*

Audience: She is not kidding.

Exec #2: I know. Still funny.

VO Kamren: So... this is it. The last episode. I guess... good show, everyone? *holds out hand, palm-down*

You: *soft grin* Yeah, it was, wasn't it? *puts hand on top of Kamren's*

Me: *puts hand on top of Lori's* Fiddly good show, guys.

Audience: *sniffles* This is such a beautiful moment.

Exec #2: It's okay, guys. Go ahead.

Me, You, and VO Kamren: BRRRRREAK.

-FADE OUT-

-SIGNAL LOST-

 

**THE END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it. That's the end of The Show. We had a good time, but Kamren really did get another job elsewhere, so we won't all be on the same email network all day anymore. Besides, we want to end it strong, rather than jump the shark. Because sharks are expensive to rent. And none of us jump particularly well.
> 
> Anyway, I (we) hope you enjoyed our ridiculousness, because it fiddly served to entertain us. Goodbye, folks!


End file.
